Not Eating

[Everglow]

This is a bit embarrassing, but recently I've been purposefully been eating less. I know why, it's just that I really don't feel like sharing this with my shrink. So, I won't. Well, I suffer from depression and am totally not for taking 'feel good pills.' I definately refuse to be one of the million or two Americans who are on some form of anti-depressant. Before, I used to cut. Then some of my friends at school found out and tattle taled on me to the student advocate, some person who is like a counselor, but she's more of a social worker. Anyway, I got suspended from school because of the cutting. Four of my friends told her that they saw the cuts on my wrists. I should have never tried to act like nothing was up. I had to be evaluated by a professional mental health person before I could come back to school. When this person was done evaluating me, she concluded that I was neither hazard to myself nor other people. I knew this about myself before I even went in. It was such a waste of life for a person to tell me, my parents and my school that I am not a threat to myself or other people. To me, cutting was something that I could control. It was just an outlet, an escape route from my hell hole reality called life. We moved last summer, I totally hate my new school and my parents are too damn controlling. I know I can't cut, cause if I do, I'll go to the hospital...again. So, I've stopped eating. Literally. Since I stopped, I've lost eight pounds. I'm now down to 127, but here's the thing, I'm 6'2'' and already way underweight. I'm not hungry, because I continually tell myself I'm not. I want to lose another 27 pounds, but deep down, I think that it will kill me if I do so. My waist is already 29 inches...that's a size two in women's jeans if anyone cares to know...don't ask me how I know that....so I know that I really can't lose too much more weight before my body collapses. I don't really know what to do, or what I'm asking for. Lame, I know. I guess I've just been feeling really depressed lately.


Hmmm lame how I have to update this on the same post, but it's been three days now and I'm now down to 120. 15lbs in six days...sweet

[Evrythng_im_not]

Not eating is a bad thing. Trust me I know. I barely eat. I only eat when my friends or loved ones ask me to. Though with current things... you know what happened... I can't eat. Not when anyone asks me to. I'm at 120 and I'm on my way to be 100. The perfect weight in my opinion. I know what it could do to me, but I know what i want. Apparently you do too. But it's bad. I try to eat, atleast. And I have to tell myself that if i don't, I could die. And I can't do that. For some reason everyone would miss me. I know I would miss you if something happened to you. You've really helped me when I've been in trouble.

[*lynn*]

i had no idea...

not eating completely is bad. dieting is okay. you need to eat a little bit everyday. and i understand about not wanting to eat. you used to cut to control things in your life. now you don't eat as a way to exert that same control. i understand that because i'm doing it too. but you not eating and wasting away isn't going to help anything. or anyone.

you're losing control now i think, because it has gotton to the point of where now you aren't even hungry. and you're losing now. control is all about winning, and right now you aren't. with you not eating, you are going to collapse and ed up in the hospital. and we both know that those places are the epitomes of hell.

please start eating. i would definitly miss you. and i know sara and lots of others would too. things are bad now at school. that's understandable. but maybe you should talk to someone about the things that are bothering you. i think that would help.

i care about you. i hope this helpful. sorry i didn't see this earlier when you wrote it! take care! hope you're having fun in italy! :)

lynn

[Everglow]

thanks guys :) i just don't know what's wrong with me now. i started eating yesterday..only little bit, but at least it's something. my weight has slowly dropped to 116lbs, but hopefully things will level out.

you're right, it has been something that i thought i could control.

well, last night i got a scathing phone call from my parents. they found out about my boyfriend...his sister told them. basically my parents are ultra conservative homo-haters and i have now been deemed a failure from my mother and a son of a bitch from my father. what they said was the worst thing to hear from them. the only thing i thought i could do was to apologize for just being me. huh, that didn't work at all. to them, my sexuality is a choice, a choice between right and wrong, a choice between heaven and hell. i nearly cut again when they hung up. i was so overwhelmed with anger and sadness that i would have killed myself, but something stopped me and i don't know what. maybe i'm so fucked up that i need to be put on medication, or locked up in some psycho facility.

the only thing i have ever wanted to do is please my parents. i have tried time and time again to be the perfect son for them, but my efforts have always meant nothing. they always point out my imperfections and tell me that i will never be good enough in their eyes. i guess i have now realized how much of a failure i truly am to them.

right now, my life officially sucks and i have hell to come back to when i come home.

[*lynn*]

i'm glad you started eating! that's definitly good! 116 is really, really low for you. i hope you don't lose anymore...!

i'm really sorry about you parents and their reaction to your sexuality. i think that they reacted horribly. they may not agree with your choice, but it's your choice, and i think that they disrespected you. i'm sorry! :( sometimes parents have unrealistic expectations and it sounds like your parents do. but i think that you are now at an age where you have to be you. and they have to respect that. or at least they need to try. hopefully they will come around a little bit to where they at least will talk to you calmly, or try and understand you. i'm so sorry for the things they said to you. but here at VT you aren't a failure. you succeed in helping people feel better, keep people from committing suicide, and brighten people's moods. that isn't failure, that's success!

try and have fun the rest of the time you are in italy. you'll have plenty of time to worry about your parents when you get back home. be safe and have fun! :)

take care! i'll be thinking about you.

lynn

[Ironic Infidel In England]

Jma08. Please listen to this.

You saved my life man, and I care more for you than I do for you than you could possibly know. I have had a friend who had to be put on a drip because he lost so much weight. (he was 6"0' and 80). I care about you, and I want you to know that. I wish I could write enormous speechs and poems to tell you how much I care, but I can't. I can't do it. My dyspraxia stops me. all Iv'e ever written is two crap emo poems, which were just a freind peom split in two. I wish I could do for you what you did for me, but I can't. all I can say is this.

Stay alive. I care for you.

About your parents. I have parents like them, but they have no idea I'm bi. I can only imagine what you're going through. Just don't hurt yourself.

[Everglow]

I believe you all so much, but the rejection from my parents is just too unbearable right now. I've tried to think of all the good things that I have done, but they just get dulled out every time I think about what my parents said to me. All my life I have tried so hard to make them satisfied with me, but they have always told me that I will never be good enough. I know I do good things, but I'm not proud or happy with myself because, I’m just not good enough to my parents.

Now I have this sexuality thing on my head. I'm flawed even more for not being the boy that they want me to be. I have never talked to them about my sexuality, mainly because I have always been afraid of how they might react. I know my parents hate people who are not straight. Every time I hear them make a nasty comment about someone who is not straight, a little part of me dies because, I know deep down that I am bisexual and because of that, I will never be accepted my parents. So I tried to hide it from them. My boyfriend Justin and I would see each other without our parents even knowing. The worst thing is that they now know that I’m in a relationship with a guy. Oh yeah, and they know that I've been with my boyfriend for six months. I wasn’t even the person who told them. His nosy sister walked in on us one day and just now decided to tell someone about it. Justin told me, after I found out that my parents knew, that the only reason why his sister told anyone was because it was killing her inside to know that we were messing around while our parents didn’t know. So, she needed to get it off her chest. He tried his hardest to stop her from saying anything, but she just wouldn’t listen. He’s in the same situation I am. His parents don’t know that he’s in a relationship with me and they don’t know that he’s gay. This is hell for the both of us right now and I’m here in Italy, a billion miles away from this shit. I’m not even there to defend myself or Justin.

I can’t cut, because if I do, I’ll wind up in the hospital and I sure as hell don’t want that again. Starving myself is just away for me to punish myself for all the disdain my parents have for me. I’m their failure. Before I got the call from them, I was starting to eat again. After the call, I nearly puked my brains out because I knew I’m in shit when I get home. The thought was just sickening. I almost cut too, but luckily I didn’t. I did, however, manage to put something in me today – a small salad, but it was too much. They are angry at me, I shouldn’t have had anything.

[Ironic Infidel In England]

You deserve to eat, and to live life to the full. If your parents cannot accept who you truly are, then you must try and ignore them. I know this sound both harsh and impossible, but it is all that you can do against the true straightist or whatever the word is. Keep eating. Please. You deserve to live life to the full!

[Everglow]

I'm glad to say that things have been getting better!! I honestly don't know how to explain it, but I think I'm at the point where I'm not going to let a few harsh words of malcontent get to me. I'm their son, but I think that I'm over them right now. That might sound cold and harsh, but I know I have done so many good things that they have continually failed to recognize. More importantly, those good things make me happy and my parents can never take them away from me. I don't care if they're angry or mad at me for being bi. It's no big deal anymore, I am who I am and I won't ever let anyone tell me to change. My sexuality is something that defines me as my own person, not my parents. I know it will be rough when I get home, but I think I have found the strength in me to deal with it. Alex, Lynn, Sara and my boyfriend Justin have all helped me believe that I am a very significant individual. I thank them wholeheartedly for that :) I get nervous as hell when I think about coming home. Tomorrow's my last day here, then early morning Wednesday, I'll be on a plane heading back to lowly Indiana. I hope things have cooled off since the last time I spoke to my parents, but I can't help but believe that they are going to be infuriated when they meet me at the airport. I know I've still got hell to pay for being in a relationship with Justin and for being bi. I'll worry about that when I get home; not now. I'm having too much fun!!

[Bobby]

Great JMA! :) Good to see your doing better, hope you have fun in Italy (It's venice right?)

[Everglow]

that's where it started!! lol i was in milan for a few days...then was at the vatican..again for palm sunday mass...but yeah venice is the place

[.:BodyEnvy:.]

:( I want to go to italy haha ur so lucky :P