Deridens
August 31st, 2011, 12:27 AM
So I've been bottling up quite a bit of stuff recently, and I just really need to get it all out in the open. I'm looking for advice and also just support, thanks.
So just to give some back story, I'm 19- just started my first year of college this fall. Previously I'd been going to a boarding school far away from home (for all of 10-12th grade), I wasn't doing good in school back home. College is closer to home, but not too close- I like being back in my home state.
Anyways I guess my main thing right now is I'm super depressed, but I don't let anyone see it. I act happy and fun when around people, but my family can tell I'm not functioning at 100%. Where my depression starts is that I'm very afraid I might have a serious illness or possibly HIV, and it has really put me down worrying about how I'm going to have to go through that.
During summer 2010 (between my junior and senior year of HS), I went to Shanghai. I made good friends with a guy from boarding school that invited me there, and I'm learning chinese- so it was awesome. Several good things, and several bad things came from this trip. I was there for a month and half, and it was one of the craziest times of my life. First of all I was 18 at the time, and that is the legal age for everything in China. I started smoking cigarettes there, because everyone smoked. And I started to drink a lot more than I have in the past. The thing I haven't mentioned about my friend from school is that he is very wealthy, and we often went to “gentleman's clubs” on the weekends. Essentially you pay to hang out with a girl for a night, and if they like you- you can pay them to have sex. They were very high paid working girls, and well I'm still in my wild youth. If this service was offered in the states, madness would ensue. Anyways, I ended up having sex with 7 shanghai working girls during my stay. I always used condoms, and they never broke. I did perform oral sex on one of these girls, but that was the only non-barrier sexual contact.
I ended up smoking cigarettes (4-8 a day), up until about a month ago. I smoked my entire senior year and the majority of the summer after wards. During this summer, I got my EMT certification- which I did outside of my homestate, it was a blast- and I enjoy medical stuff. I smoked during my EMT certification, but once I came back home- I made a vow to quit. And I haven't smoked all this month.
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Ok. So now we're back to the now, which is college primarily. It's been super hard to stay away from cigarettes at college, but I'm getting through. I'm doing well with all my classes and me and my roommate get a long pretty well. I have a bit of stress, but everything is going alright. The problem is I'm just really depressed about this HIV/illness thing, and it doesn't help that I'm constantly craving cigarettes.
So now we'll get to why I'm depressed / freaking about possibly having HIV or some serious illness. So when I came back home after my last year of boarding school to home, before I went off to do my EMT- I started to get badly congested and started spitting up a lot of mucus. I didn't have fever symptoms, but my Mom wanted me to see an allergist. I'd never had allergies, but they put me on Zyrtec which really helped. It made me kind of tired (which apparently is normal with anti-histamines), so I didn't like that.
I continued to take it out of state when I did my EMT, and I was all good. When I came back home, and stopped smoking- about four days after I quit... Things got bad. Really congested and coughing up mucus, I stopped taking the Zyrtec. I went on Mucinex for a week, and pretty much coughed up my lungs. But I think I got everything out. After wards I went back on zyrtec, but it wasn't the same. I wasn't back to 100%. So right now I'm changed to Clartin 24hour. Which seems to be working better, and I found out that you have to be on an anti-histamine for like a week before you get back in the rhythm. I'm on day 3 of clartin, still clogged pretty bad.
Ontop of these allergie-like symptoms, I've been having pretty consistent bloody noses ever since I went to college. Pretty much if I blow my right nostril, I'm going to see blood. This has been happening for about 2 weeks, ever since the musinex week. I found that if the air is dry you will get blood noses, so I'm looking to get a humidifier.
Also another big factor is that haven't had my appetite for the last month. I don't know- I just don't get hungry anymore. I also read that if you have poor nutrition, blood noses are more likely. The poor appetite is the part that really scares me, but it's most likely linked to the depression.
The depression comes from worrying about having HIV/some illness, and also just because I'm always thinking like I should be doing so much more. I'm always thinking about what I want to do when I'm older. Like what do I want to be known for, and it's depressing not being able to devise a strategy or think of where I'm going to be or how I'm going to become great. That is really kind of subcontiously eating at me.
---
I know a lot of you are going to write, SEE A DOCTOR. I am, it's just difficult because I'm at school. But I will see one this weekend, it's already scheduled. And I will ask to be tested for HIV, just so I can know once and for all.
I really hope that this congestion/mucus/blood nose/loss of appetite is just due to just starting college, stress/depression, still getting used to my allergy pills, and the fact I don't have a humidifier. AND not that I have HIV. Still I'm worried, I hope you read this far- I realize it's a lot.
Thanks.
AJ
So just to give some back story, I'm 19- just started my first year of college this fall. Previously I'd been going to a boarding school far away from home (for all of 10-12th grade), I wasn't doing good in school back home. College is closer to home, but not too close- I like being back in my home state.
Anyways I guess my main thing right now is I'm super depressed, but I don't let anyone see it. I act happy and fun when around people, but my family can tell I'm not functioning at 100%. Where my depression starts is that I'm very afraid I might have a serious illness or possibly HIV, and it has really put me down worrying about how I'm going to have to go through that.
During summer 2010 (between my junior and senior year of HS), I went to Shanghai. I made good friends with a guy from boarding school that invited me there, and I'm learning chinese- so it was awesome. Several good things, and several bad things came from this trip. I was there for a month and half, and it was one of the craziest times of my life. First of all I was 18 at the time, and that is the legal age for everything in China. I started smoking cigarettes there, because everyone smoked. And I started to drink a lot more than I have in the past. The thing I haven't mentioned about my friend from school is that he is very wealthy, and we often went to “gentleman's clubs” on the weekends. Essentially you pay to hang out with a girl for a night, and if they like you- you can pay them to have sex. They were very high paid working girls, and well I'm still in my wild youth. If this service was offered in the states, madness would ensue. Anyways, I ended up having sex with 7 shanghai working girls during my stay. I always used condoms, and they never broke. I did perform oral sex on one of these girls, but that was the only non-barrier sexual contact.
I ended up smoking cigarettes (4-8 a day), up until about a month ago. I smoked my entire senior year and the majority of the summer after wards. During this summer, I got my EMT certification- which I did outside of my homestate, it was a blast- and I enjoy medical stuff. I smoked during my EMT certification, but once I came back home- I made a vow to quit. And I haven't smoked all this month.
-----
Ok. So now we're back to the now, which is college primarily. It's been super hard to stay away from cigarettes at college, but I'm getting through. I'm doing well with all my classes and me and my roommate get a long pretty well. I have a bit of stress, but everything is going alright. The problem is I'm just really depressed about this HIV/illness thing, and it doesn't help that I'm constantly craving cigarettes.
So now we'll get to why I'm depressed / freaking about possibly having HIV or some serious illness. So when I came back home after my last year of boarding school to home, before I went off to do my EMT- I started to get badly congested and started spitting up a lot of mucus. I didn't have fever symptoms, but my Mom wanted me to see an allergist. I'd never had allergies, but they put me on Zyrtec which really helped. It made me kind of tired (which apparently is normal with anti-histamines), so I didn't like that.
I continued to take it out of state when I did my EMT, and I was all good. When I came back home, and stopped smoking- about four days after I quit... Things got bad. Really congested and coughing up mucus, I stopped taking the Zyrtec. I went on Mucinex for a week, and pretty much coughed up my lungs. But I think I got everything out. After wards I went back on zyrtec, but it wasn't the same. I wasn't back to 100%. So right now I'm changed to Clartin 24hour. Which seems to be working better, and I found out that you have to be on an anti-histamine for like a week before you get back in the rhythm. I'm on day 3 of clartin, still clogged pretty bad.
Ontop of these allergie-like symptoms, I've been having pretty consistent bloody noses ever since I went to college. Pretty much if I blow my right nostril, I'm going to see blood. This has been happening for about 2 weeks, ever since the musinex week. I found that if the air is dry you will get blood noses, so I'm looking to get a humidifier.
Also another big factor is that haven't had my appetite for the last month. I don't know- I just don't get hungry anymore. I also read that if you have poor nutrition, blood noses are more likely. The poor appetite is the part that really scares me, but it's most likely linked to the depression.
The depression comes from worrying about having HIV/some illness, and also just because I'm always thinking like I should be doing so much more. I'm always thinking about what I want to do when I'm older. Like what do I want to be known for, and it's depressing not being able to devise a strategy or think of where I'm going to be or how I'm going to become great. That is really kind of subcontiously eating at me.
---
I know a lot of you are going to write, SEE A DOCTOR. I am, it's just difficult because I'm at school. But I will see one this weekend, it's already scheduled. And I will ask to be tested for HIV, just so I can know once and for all.
I really hope that this congestion/mucus/blood nose/loss of appetite is just due to just starting college, stress/depression, still getting used to my allergy pills, and the fact I don't have a humidifier. AND not that I have HIV. Still I'm worried, I hope you read this far- I realize it's a lot.
Thanks.
AJ