I don't feel anything anymore.......

[IcarusLives]

EDIT: I'm not posting my full thread until I know I can edit it / delete it in case I want to later for privacy's sake, if I can I'll edit this in a couple seconds to post the full thing which I have copied right now anyway.

Well that settles that then, here it is:

I guess I'm going to online forums because I don't know where to look for help anymore...

This all started about a year ago, over the year it got worse and worse, now I haven't legitimately smiled in ages, I don't seem to feel any emotions at all... Nothing positive, nothing negative save for the fear and depression the fact that I'm not feeling anything good like I used to causes me... Plus everything feels un-real to an extent, like I'm dissociated from everything and sort of dizzy constantly I guess... Like everything's kind of in a blur.

It's scary as I don't know what the cause of this could be, I was always a generally sad kid before, but I never couldn't feel, I could always put myself out of the situation, or just get a hug from someone who I trusted (though they've always been numbered), vent my emotions and feel better, or just hang out with my friends and have fun, go to movies with them, parties, etc... I was completely normal...

The worst part was that I *was* hugely emotional at one point in time... I was the most empathetic, caring, kind-hearted person around, could relate to anyone and everyone, and understand where they're coming from exactly, regardless of the situation... Not to sound narcissistic, trust me I'm not, seeing as I don't feel like this anymore in the slightest anyway... I can't live to see what I was like in the past just disappear like this...

Now I'm starting to get nothing out of anything, and I can't stand it... It's not just affecting my quality of life... It's destroying it if anything...

The worst part is my relationship situation, I love my girlfriend more then anything in the world hands down, the problem is, even my emotions towards her aren't the same anymore, I'm starting to not only get nothing out of doing anything, but also nothing out of doing anything with her. She was the only thing I could still feel emotions around when this was starting and ongoing, if I've lost that now, I've lost everything as far as emotions go...

As far as she and about 99% of the world's population knows, I'm completely fine. Call me the world's greatest actor I guess, I'm great at putting up a veil.

Anyway, went to a therapist, talked to him about my fears. Of course I probably have underlying anxiety, so all of my biggest ones, that I feel like I'm going insane, am I psychotic, do I have schizophrenia? He was able to shoot down without a doubt fortunately. And yet, I feel almost no better regardless... Got me on an anti-depressant, Wellbutrin... So far it's done nothing, and my condition has only been deteriorating if anything... I can hardly even open myself up to him and talk when I go in there about this because I'm so used to just blocking all of my emotions now when I'm in public, if I didn't I'd just be crying all day anyway...

I'm more then scared that I'll never feel the same, you have no idea, or well I guess you guys do, this is a depression forum after all, what it feels like to have gone all those years feeling so much in terms of emotions, and to have it all disappear just like that... I can't keep living like this... The things I love the most are almost meaningless to me, my mother, my father, my sister, all of my friends, any pets I have, my dreams and ambitions, traveling, now maybe this is even happening with my girlfriend... I don't find beauty in anything anymore, and I can hardly keep living like this.

I don't know if I'm asking something, or just venting. But has anyone else gone through something like this, or is going through something like this? Did it ever get better? If it didn't just don't tell me... I'd rather be "blissfully" ignorant if you can even call it that then know that it never gets any better.

Any input on what I can do, I don't know, any help at all is needed and appreciated, I don't care...

[IcarusLives]

Seriously does no one have any idea what I'm talking about... All I want is an answer, have you ever gone through a period where you literally just couldn't feel any emotions whatsoever anymore and gotten better in the end, able to feel like you used to.

Otherwise someone just answer me as to what the point of still living is if I don't have emotions, and I don't get anything out of doing *anything*, regardless of what it is, because right now I see absolutely none.

[ADC12]

Well i can say that at one point in my life so far, i 'lost' emotion. It was 2 years ago when my best mate and i had this really big argument cos apparently i was backstabbed him when i didnt. It hurt me a LOT. especially that i had a crush on him. So it felt like someone stabbed me in the gut over and over and over... I didnt talk to anyone at school after we argued i felt alone i didnt care about what was happening around me.. Emotionless. I always went home straight to my room and lie down on my bed crying my guts out. I continued with life but i never smiled or talked (well i talked sometimes but rarely) But after like 5 months he realised he was in the wrong and apologised... Which
meant a lot to me he was both my best mate and my secret crush. It felt gd! It felt like everything was ok again and it was ok! We gained each others trust again and became close friends again. Were like brothers now, and i still have my crush on him.. :oops:
I dunno if i helped but ur post reminded me of this 'event' and thought u should share it :) 'it always gets better in the end, if its not better then its not the end' - qoute i read on VT lol keep going man and find the cause of this phase in ur life and when uve found the cause then u have to put it right!
Talk to me anytime man i got skype msn gmail or jus VM/PM me ill be happy to talk to ya :)

[EarthToBryan]

- - - - - I am going through exactly the same thing, well the same from what you have explained so far. I used to absolutely go out of my way to be nice to anyone, I had an absurd range of emotion and thought I was friends with everyone. I felt satisfied when I got good grades and sad when people got hurt. I was a bit oversensitive and cried about anything, and it felt soo good to just get a good cry out.

Now I feel as if my whole family could die along with the people I call "friends", for lack of a better term and not even tear up. I don't know if it gets better, but it has pushed me to cope with illicit substances and cut. I am at about rock bottom right now, but it makes me feel a bit better (and a lot worse) knowing that I am not the only person who has ever gone through this. I have gone through an extreme level of social isolation in my life, which has undoubtedly had a great effect on my situation, and led to social anxiety. I've had dissociation that has made me seriously debate if I was dreaming or in a coma or something, because everything seemed dreamlike and "off". The things I used to enjoy, which were few and far between, are now menial tasks that a barely putter through to keep a semblance of sanity. I have a feeling that it will get better, and even if it doesn't I think that it is a better alternative than not living anymore.

What I would recommend, gotta give you some helpful advice, eh? is writing down things, collecting your thoughts, taking your time to put down your feelings in the right way, and then giving that note to your therapist. Maybe even print out this thread and give it to him/her (you seem to have gotten out all of your feelings well in your post). It makes things much easier to get out in the open.

Also, keep up on the anti-depressants, they take 2 weeks to like 4 months to work, and you might need to change it up and get different doses/meds.

If you want to talk more feel free to pm me, I know starting a conversation is weird, especially if you have a lot of time to think about what to say but a simple "So, how about 'dem Bears" or "I would really like to talk" or "Hi" will suffice, don't worry I am the king of awkward so I can definitely relate. Don't lose heart, as long as you have the will to go and find help there will always be hope.

[aperson444]

Wellbutrin is an OK antidepressant for that kind of stuff (it increases NE and Dopamine), but in my experience most medications (Zoloft and Prozac) made my numbness stronger and made me a bit sociopathic (I lost my connection to humanity in essence). I remember having that feeling in school. Everything jsut moved right past me and I was a body without a soul or consciousness doing things without emotion. I had bouts of depression and maybe slight moments of happiness, but depression and anxiety felt realer. They didn't feel artificial and superficial. I guess that's just a symptom of depression. I also thought I had psychosis, but it turns out that anxiety and almost act like psychosis at some times. In psychiatry the situation you describe seems to be known as "derealization". It's a symptom of anxiety and depression, but also an early symptom of dissociative disorders and psychosis. Just be careful. Watch your meds too. When I started both Prozac and Zoloft, these feelings of numbness turned into a passive rage and I had a lot of homicidal and suicidal (like Columbine) plans and thoughts. Feel free to hit me up bro, I'm usually on. It's a fucked up world out there.

[IcarusLives]

Yeah I've talked about all the feelings of derealization to my therapist and my fears in regards to psychosis and schizophrenia, though he's pretty well convinced it's a side effect of the anxiety and depression fortunately.

Thanks for the replies to everyone by the way.