Stuck.

[Magenta]

What's the point anymore? I'm torn between starving and binging. I want to starve myself until I'm 100lbs, make myself tiny, disappear. When I think about it, I know I can't do it. That makes me just want to eat everything in sight and say "fuck it" 'cause I'll never be good enough, fat or skinny. I took all my photos down that used to be display pictures, here and elsewhere. I can't even stand to look at myself.

I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to be the fat, ugly outcast. People there know me from two years ago but I'm not the same girl. I was insecure then but now it's worse. Now I realize that the pretty girls aren't just pretty, they're gorgeous and I'm not. I'm shy and awkward. If I pretend to be confident, I make myself look like an idiot. Even the overweight girls are prettier than me... plus everyone likes them. No one likes me fat, skinny, shy or loud. I'm just a reject who should never have been born.

I feel so stupid posting here. After this, I won't be making anymore threads. I'm aware all I do is whinge about myself and how horrible I am. So I won't bother you anymore but I have to get this out... Just how awful I really feel.

I can barely function. Last night, I went to a concert and was on edge almost the entire time. All the gorgeous girls around me and groups of friends laughing with one another... I was there with my mum and her boyfriend. I was that stupid "emo" kid wearing long sleeves and leggings under her skirt even though it's the middle of August. I could feel everyone staring at me and I know how they think of me. That I'm some freak.

Later, I sat on a crowded bus next to a guy that kept staring at me. It's guys I hate most of all. I hate even considering what they're thinking of me. Not about how I look... but what they might do. I can't even begin to explain how much being close to strange guys frightens me. Just because of things that have happened before, I just want guys to steer clear of me. Going back to school... there will be guys there and unless they're a few select boys I'm friends with and trust... I just don't want to go back.

I have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday. He doesn't know about how I feel about guys or my eating disorder. I don't even tell him that my depression is the same, if not worse. It's like when I go... I freeze up. I can't tell him. I also don't know what would happen if I did. I go in and say I'm okay... but would he tell my mum if I did tell him? I don't want to go back to therapy. I don't want to be that freak on her way to a therapist's office. It's bad enough getting off at the bus stop for the hospital.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Will probably go stuff my fat face now and then just feel like vomiting after from the guilt. I'm so stupid. Most of all, I just feel constant guilt for existing. For letting anyone know how I feel and not getting better. I'm a worthless failure that no one should have to know. Not any of my friends at school or anyone here. Sorry I've wasted your time.

[anonymous53]

Jocelyn *hug* You're not that random emo kid, promise.

You...are freaking beautiful. I tell you it Alll the time.

Yes, I know, us guys are pigs. We really are .

You should try to eat healthy :) Not too much, not too little but just right! (Hoping you get this reference to a little childs book XD)

Your face is not fat. You're not stupid, and don't feel guilty because I'll always be here. I don't think you're worthless at all. You make me smile every time we talk.

[OptimusPrime]

I just read this and it made me feel sad. I have a couple of friends who are very much like you. =/

[Magenta]

@Robert,

Ugh, it makes me feel worse though to think that people tell me I look okay all the time and I just still can't see it. I don't think I ever will. It's not that I think any of you are lying... I just think that maybe... It's hard to explain. I once got told that no one tells me anything because I react badly and they don't want to make things worse. Thing is, things get worse anyway. People could tell me I'm an ugly bitch and I wouldn't care. People tell me that all the time. The guilt when people compliment me is what hurts more, if that makes any sense.

I know I really need to get over myself but... eh. Whatever. I'm going to be stuck going to school and people will put me down just because that's what people do. I guess I should have gotten over that a long time ago. I don't have the self-control or willpower to starve myself but also not to get better so I guess eating erratically will have to do.

It's awful to see how far I've spiralled down from years of abuse and anxiety and self-esteem issues. It seems like when nothing could get worse, people manage to find other ways of prodding at me and stabbing me with words, actions, etc. Gah.

@Aaron,

I didn't really mean to make anyone feel sad. I'm not looking for pity or consolations or anything of the sort. I guess I just wanted to get it out there.

[anonymous53]

Well, these people aren't worth their weight in salt Jocelyn, so pay them no mind. Have fun at dance and plays and singing :) It'll be fun. Enjoy your year with those who care about you and disregard the others. Because HATERS GONNA HATE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIoZ1bsILF8). You have people who care about you :) You know that, and we'll always be here to help. I think you do have the self control. How about we follow that plan we made? I can make sure we both eat enough :)

[Lethe]

I think you just need an epiphany, Jo. An epiphany like the one I had just yesterday, while I was sitting alone on my computer, watching videos on Youtube and enjoying myself. No amount of therapy will ever help you if you go into the session thinking that you will not come out any better. You have to want to make a change for yourself, not for anyone else. People will always have something to say to you, things you may not like, but most people will not act that way—you just have to surround yourself with people who will be kind to you and support you. There will always be "haters" out there, you just need to learn to filter them through the net of life and catch only those that are positive influences in your life.

[Magenta]

True, very true.

I've had plenty of epiphanies. However, they were a product of my mood disorder. Those "epiphanies" were my highs. I haven't had a high in awhile, likely due to my medication. I sometimes want to stop taking the medication just to feel that high again. It's scary, yes, to feel above the world and on top of everything but it's freeing.

I feel so damn unfixable it's unbearable. Since I was a really young child, I've been unhappy with my life from either abuse from either kids, abuse from my mother or maybe it's just my predisposition. Who knows? But when you've been like that for so long, you begin to wonder if you'll ever be better. Just like people can't change their bodies, I can't change my personality. Maybe if I won't be happy skinny or fat, I won't be happy better or worse?

Haters bother me, yes. I won't say they're nothing but the support sometimes can be overwhelming too, if that makes sense. I won't deny the support and I won't say I don't appreciate it because I really do. My main issue is not being able to accept the support. I grew up with a mother who made sure everything had a catch and a father whose support was always just because it's his responsibility. I don't know genuine support. And I feel guilty for ever accepting it. I feel like I'm using people. I've been told I'm ungrateful because I don't get better, that I use people as objects, sounding boards for my problems. It's not what I'm meaning to do, it really isn't.

There just seems to be some fatal flaw in my personality. I'm just waiting for the day my mind finally pushes me so far that it kills me. Everything about me seems to be a "symptom", a "sickness". It's like I'm not really me. I'm just something that needs to be cured... but likely won't be because that's just who I am.

[anonymous53]

You don't need to be fixed. You are who you are. You're an amazing person Jocelyn. I wouldn't have you any other way.