feeling sad again

[dreamer18xx]

i seriously cant remember the last time i was happy. i dont mean to sound whinny or anything but i dont really have anyone to talk to and the people that i do iwant to talk to i dont want to make upset about all my problems either that or they wouldnt understand, but the closest i feel to happy is a calm and im growing pretty tired of living like this my anxiety dosent help the matter either my parents are never around they're either at work, camping (which i never want to do) or visiting my grandmother which i love my grandma but its so sad because shes sick i just feel like no one has any time to just go out and have fun for a day. i know i sound whiny so sorry but i've been stuck home for 3 weeks and everyones constantly gone so im always by myself and i've literealy only been out 2 times over those weeks im suprised i havent gone insane. I cant really walk to anywhere becuase it would take over an hour to get there plus i know its pathtic but i cant really go out by myself my anxietys pretty bad its hard for me to look at people when i talk to them and when im not with anyone i know i somtimes get panic attacks. My 19 year old sister is prego which is really stressful shes still a college student and lives with us and her fiance also lives with his parents so shes staying with us a while till she finishes college or saves up money for a house which is fine with me im totally happy for them and i cant wait until it comes i love babies they're soo cute! But my parents are looking at the more logical side which is unfourtuantly a bit negative they tell her all this stuff and then get into arguments and someones always crying. And since my gradmas sick my mom's really stressed out i waited for her to come home to talk to her once about how grandmas doing and she started crying and it made me feel reallyyy sad since she never crys in front of me and my sisters. so all this is happening and allot more bad things and im stuck at home i feel so useless i try and do chores and things like that but i just dont have the energy to do allot of things im always tired im like never hungry i only eat once a day i had pudding today and soup yesterday and i basically live off of coffee. I always listen to music everyday since I hate when its quite and I try and read the books I have but I realized they're all depressing or like love storys by sarah dessen which I love but all her stories kinda always have that sad backstory thing going on the only "happy" book I have is l8r, g8r, but none of those things help me and when my parents come home and complain that i dont do anything and say how much wish they could be like me and just sit around all the time like i do it hurts its not fun for me it makes me feel sad and lonely if anything and i really try to do things too like i signed up for this volunteer program with my sister but im nervous and scared as hell to start it. i know i may be lazy and not exactly do all the chores but im always tired i havent been able to sleep in forever i've been going to bed at like 4 in the morning and waking up at 8 for a while now. i stopped cutting but now i've been getting the feeling of wanting to do it badly again which makes me sad even though i know it will make me more upset in the long run the urge is pretty strong and i feel like i deserve it. Last year my depression was really bad i actually ended up counting how many pills it would take to kill me and then i tried to drown myself but the suicidal feeling kinda went away the end of december and i was just kinda calm for a while but im noticing im kinda getting depressed again and that scares me. my parents never actually knew i was depressed which makes me kinda sad also and its not that i wanted attention or anything like that but they're my parents arent they supposed to realize those things im like 5'4 and i weighed 80 pounds that winter it was so painful i couldnt sleep on my stomach and every part of me was sore and i was always sleeping and they always would just tell me that i was lazy. i thought they would understand b/c they knew but when i asked my mom if i could see a therapist in febuary she said she didnt even realize i was upset. sorry if im going off topic but i never really say whats on my mind and when i do i end up writting novels lol and can i just add onto my long list of venting that when it was my 16th birthday this year my older sister who im really close to txted me telling me she couldnt make it and missed it to watch a football game with her fiance i told it it was fine and i really didnt mind but i was really upset and dissapointed. Its all so tireing and i dont want to go through any more depression but i've been feeling sad lately and just wishing i could die somtimes i feel like i cant do anything i dont know what i should do and with everything going on with my family i feel like i cant talk to them becuase they have allot of stress on they're plate and i dont want to add on more with any of my problems