I Don't THINK this is Abuse...

[NotAfraid]

I'm afraid to go downstairs. I'm afraid of my mom calling me downstairs. I am absolutely terrified it is going to be about my grades or forgetting about a chore.

I have A.D.D, and several other disorders to cover up my flaws. She says things like, "It's not your fault you're forgetful/clumsy/ignorant/lazy/a brat/have social problems." I think it's well intentioned, maybe, because I feel sorry for my mom for having to deal with me. Sometimes she pulls my hair. Sometimes she calls me names. Sometimes she says I abuse HER. Once she slapped me.

It started after I turned 11. When she saw that I wasn't cute or easily hurt anymore, she started pointing out my flaws and belittling me in subtle ways. Sending me to tutors to help me with my math skills, which were according to her "way behind". Yelling at me whenever checking my grades online because they weren't great, then saying, "It isn't your fault, you have ______." I think that was meant to make me feel better, but it doesn't.
It makes me feel even more worthless.

So I started to draw away from her. I spent more time on the internet, talking to people I don't know, so I don't have to worry about being judged. I avoided talking to her and coming downstairs whenever possible.

And she isn't entirely a monster. I know that. I know she wants to help, wants me to be better, but I believe what she says about me now. I blame myself subconsciously for all of my "disorders", all the flaws pointed out over the past two-three years. She says she loves me, then backs away.

My mom, if she read this, would call me a whiner, and say things like "after all the things I've done for you," or call me a "bratty teenager", but I don't care. I'm sorry. I'm probably the most self centered person on the internet. In life, actually.

And I tried talking to her. All she did was mock me, saying, "I want to be loved" in an artificial voice.

I'm pretty sure this isn't abuse, that I'm just being too sensitive, and that my mom is right in most of these respects. I still feel unloved, even though she sent me to creative writing camp, even though I have two horses. She seems to think that giving me things is a substitute for love.

I don't even know why I'm posting this whiny, self centered message. I guess I just need to get it out.

[Muridaee]

Abuse doesn't have to be all the time for it to be an abusive situation. I think it's even worse if they're abusive sometimes and really nice other times, because you never know what you're going to get.

Nor does it have to be physical. For me, the verbal abuse is the most hurtful. I can recover from being hit, those bruises heal. But the mental ones? not so much...

Everyone is at least somewhat self-centered. That's pretty much the way of it.

And, ya know, parents don't get owner's manuals for raising kids. Most parents suck at it completely. The things they think they do for "love" are often pretty hurtful. Still, they're just humans.

Sometimes we all need to just say what's on our minds. Being judged for it makes me want to just shut up and go away and never come back.

I don't know what you can do about it. Hang in there until you're 18 and move out? Seems like that's what a lot of people have to do.

Someone showed me a couple of quotes. Don't know if they'll help, but I think they show how big this problem is.

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent. -- C.G.Jung

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” -- Maya Angelou

[christcenteredlife]

there is some subtle verbal emotional abuse, but nothing any authority would do anything over. there is also minor physical abuse, which authorities would do nothing over. they'd take a report and that would be about it. in order for them to take it seriously you'd actually have to be seriously hurt or on the verge of suicide due to the mental, emotion, and physical toll of the abuse.

what's she's doing still isn't ok, and maybe you can write her a letter explaining how you feel. be completely brutally honest and burn it when you're done. that way you get it out to her, but not to her, if that makes sense.