I can't do this anymore.

[screamtobeheard]

I hate this so much. It's ridiculous. I wish I lived alone, because then, I could starve myself. And really starve myself. I would, too. It scares me a bit, because I know if I could, I'd live off of diet soda, tea with no milk or sugar, and water. Maybe I'd eat every three days or something, but that'd be it. I'd disappear. I wish I could disappear. It's better than this. Now, I can get away from eating sometimes, but sometimes I have to eat. And I have to make it seem like I want to eat sometime too, if I want to get out of the house. So on days like today, when I've practically binged because of my family, I want to kill myself. I want to die. Or take a long knife and carve my body into the perfect shape I want. With protruding hipbones and ribs like I used to have. I miss that. I shouldn't, but I do. I go back to school a week from tomorrow. I'll be able to skip lunch, then. And exercise. I need to lose weight again. I need to get away from here. I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to smoke. I'm going to destroy myself somehow because of this, and I don't even have an eating disorder. Just problems that don't let me eat when I want to. "I'm so hungry," I'll say. But I can't force myself to even eat fruit.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and cried. Because I had to go to work. And I'm too fat to be seen in public. I hate myself so much. I just can't do this much longer. Eating will be the death of me.

[Travis Is Losing It]

Amanda reading that was extremely painful to me because the only thing that has kept me eating even though its once every four days is my friends parents (i live with my friend). I'm eating once every four or so days and end up purging it anyways even though its like a poptart or a burger. You are simply to hard on yourself. And we here arnt doctors so we cant diagnose you but you seem like you do have an ED despite what your thinking. I want you to read a thread by FaithAndTrust that i will post below. This post helped me significantly to understand what i have and how to relatively deal with it. Eating disorders are a horrible thing that people have to deal with because of all the insults from people in schools and all the crap we get for being fat at one time or another that effect us to the point where we have to starve ourselves to look what we think is good. We are already perfect how we are and should have to change to please other people. You need to eat. Eat smaller portions and cut out the foods that arnt neccesarily good for you (ex. cake candy chocolate). sure you can eat cake candy and chocolate but just responsibly. If you eat like that and exercise then you will see yourself slimming down. Obviously you wont see yourself lose rapidly because it takes a while. You have to be accepting of yourself and try to get thin healthily and you will, starving yourself isnt the answer.

Also i appologise that i kinda ramble off in that and that its not broken up at all but i tried x.x. Goodluck amanda and we all here at VirtualTeen are here for you.

http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=110035 - FaithAndTrust's thread

[Amaryllis]

Oh sweetie... This isn't the life you want. You will never be able to "disappear". I dropped to 50 pounds and hell, I'm -very much around-. You will never be 0. That's what I wanted too but you never will be. Even if you burn yourself to ashes, you will still exist. Nobody disappears. Not from the world, not from the hearts of people they have touched.

Skinny isn't worth the consequences. I was skinny and -miserable-. Now I'm heavier than I ever was and although my bipolar disorder hasn't gone, my self-harming tendencies are still around, I'm -happier- and that's all I could ever ask for.

I don't think I'm "beautiful". I don't think I'm "hot". But I know I'm beautiful on the inside and I'm warm. I help people and that's all that matters. I live for the moments when I laugh, I live for the moments when someone tells me "Thank you. You helped me." You are -beautiful-. You won't be any happier with life, yourself or your body if you're skinnier or heavier or whatever. Nobody can love you except you. And nobody can bring you down without your consent.

Remember the days when you were little and you didn't give a damn about dieting and exercising and being skinny? You can go back there. Would you tell a 5 year old to go on a diet?

I might not be skinny but at least I have boobs and an ass.

Love,
Faith and Trust

[Travis Is Losing It]

FaithAndTrust does have alot of good points and knows what she is talking about from alot of experience Amanda. I hope what she has to say and what I have been able to say sinks in and helps you eventually get over your eating disorder

[screamtobeheard]

You're both right. I know it. I've been like this for about a year and a half. I was underweight and then I started eating and now I'm what they tell me is "healthy." But I think the problem is that I just started eating again. I didn't change my mindset. So, the more I ate, the less I wanted to eat. And that's why I'm back here, miserable as ever and eating only when I'm forced. I don't know how to fix it, though. And that's the problem, I think. I remember when I was at my lowest weight. I had bones protruding, and I wasn't that underweight. But my built is weird, and people were commenting when I was in a bathing suit or a sleeveless shirt about how they could see my ribs and hipbones. Once, I was asked if my shoulder bone was a tumor. And I remember still feeling fat. And still hat in myself. So I know you're telling me the truth. And yet I want it back. I just don't know what to do with myself.