Mini Rant

[screamtobeheard]

I am so fat. I hate myself so much. I am crying. And I have to go to work. I don’t want to go out in public. I’m too fat. I want to die. GOD DAMN IT, I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH. I am going to run away. And starve myself until I die.

[Lethe]

Please don't do that, Amanda. It isn't worth it! You will feel so much better if you try to see the positives in things. Be as happy as you can be. Do something you enjoy before you have to go to work. Maybe exercise; I plan on exercising 45 minutes tonight after I ate such a massive lunch and dessert (2060 calories xD). Exercising will make you feel more positive and energetic, and will keep your mood elevated longer.

Hollow words from someone who suffers with anxiety and low self-esteem in public myself, but I'm trying to work at being more positive so that I can help others and help myself. I've found that I'm only pushing my problems deeper inside, rather than trying to expose them and eliminate them.

[screamtobeheard]

I know I shouldn't do anything like that. But one of these days, I'm bound to do something absolutely stupid. I'm tired of being responsible and hating myself and everything. I don't know, I'm just having a rough time in this part of my life right now.

[DarkHorses]

1. Did you steal my name? ;)

2. You are absolutely gorgeous! I know people probably say that all the time, and when it's said after you tell someone how fat you think you are, it might seem like it's a pity thing. But you honestly are beautiful! I know it's hard to recognize your own beauty, but trust me, chances are if other people seem to think you are gorgeous, you're missing something about yourself.

We're always too critical of ourselves. That's where the sang "You are your own worst enemy" comes from. Because usually, we look at ourselves in a whole different light than everyone else does. Some people think they are hot stuff when they really... well, aren't. Other people think they're fat, ugly, worthless, you name it, when really they are anything but.

The point is that you can't feel so insecure about yourself. And say you really are ugly and fat. Even if you were (Which you are NOT) how does that make you undeserving of life and of happiness? You don't have to be skinny to be happy and successful. But what you usually do have to be is confident.

One day you will find a guy/girl (not sure of your sexuality) that thinks you are beautiful, inside and out. But before that happens, you have to learn to love yourself. Because that will make you all the much more lovable.

You are beautiful! You're the only one who doesn't realize it.

[screamtobeheard]

1. Yes, I did. I apologize. :D

2. Thank you so much for that post. It's actually incredibly encouraging to hear the way you put it. I really wish I could see in myself what everyone else does.
I do have a boyfriend who, for some strange reason, thinks I'm beautiful inside and out...just like you said. Maybe one of these days I'll learn to love myself too.

[Lethe]

You already have more than I ever will! Beauty, a nice, perfect weight, and a boyfriend! Boy, how I wish I could be you. Do you realize how lucky you are?

You have these things for a reason. You may not understand it right now, but at least accept the things you do have, instead of wishing for things you don't. You have more than I will in my life; take comfort in that. You are so lucky!

[screamtobeheard]

I have everything anyone could ever want and I know that. But sometimes having too much can be hard too.

[Lethe]

What do you mean?

[screamtobeheard]

It's hard to explain. But I'd give everything I have for freedom or happiness. My life seems perfect, though, doesn't it?

[Lethe]

Um..yes? From your pictures, you weigh so much less than me. You have a boyfriend. You're pretty. You have more than I will ever have in my life. Why do you feel as if you don't have enough? You have so much.

[screamtobeheard]

I'm pretty and skinny to you, and maybe to other people. But I don't see it in myself. I'm not asking for more, I'm asking for less. I'm sorry I ask for too much. I don't mean to.

[Lethe]

If you weigh less than me, you are skinny. Trust me. I'm 150lbs, I'm overweight. I have a lot of fat rolls on my stomach, hips, legs and thighs. They're very noticeable. Trust me, you're not fat, you're a perfect weight. And you're beautiful. If I looked like you my life would be so much easier. And you have a boyfriend.

In reality you are asking for more, because you're asking yourself to lose more weight and be skinner. That's wanting more, although it may not seem like it. Self-improvement is different from self-punishment. Even though I want to be pretty and thin, I don't starve myself. I may act like I want to (and I sort of do) but I know it isn't healthy, and I know it will never work. Things like that never work for me. So I eat 1200 calories a day and exercise so that my total is around 900-1000 calories. I don't starve myself. I eat healthy and try to lose weight the correct way. And even though I know I'm heavy, seeing other people heavier than me makes me feel just a tiny bit better, and it motivates me even more to be healthy (even though I know judging others is wrong; it's more me looking at them in a way to motivate myself, not to insult or judge them).

If I could be 140lbs, I'd be happy and I'd work to maintain it. I don't want to be 120lbs and bone-thin. Although bone-thin may be nice, it isn't realistically a goal anyone should pursue. Being healthy is much better and it feels better. Instead of restricting your food, measure it properly and eat enough calories a day. Exercise also helps tone you; it may not "shed pounds" but when you're toned you look and feel healthier.

Here, have a look at these pictures:

http://www.oneonta.edu/faculty/farberas/arth/Images/110images/sl9images/Titian_Venus_Urbino.jpg

http://www.spiracanada.com/spiralbound/2008/Lammas/Aphrodite.jpg

http://rebirthofbeauty.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/aphrodite.jpg?w=465&h=1000

The pictures may be a little graphic, but wouldn't you rather look like these women? Full-figured, with some healthy weight on you? You can be somewhat overweight and be beautiful. Why would you want to look like this...

http://anorexiapictures.net/files/images/tara-reid-anorexic.preview.jpg

...when you can look like the girls above? That's what I want to look like. Not be overweight but not be underweight. To be a normal, healthy weight. Bigger can be beautiful.

[Portable Desert]

Amanda, you are beautiful. If I was straight, i would be crazy for you, haha.

[screamtobeheard]

I don't know what to say. I don't know why I am how I am. But I'm trying to fix it. I just don't know how. And it's hard for me in the meantime.

Jacob: Haha awh, thank you. (:

[Lethe]

How much do you weigh Amanda?

If it's under 150, which I guarantee it is, then you aren't overweight. Also, if you compare your pictures to mine, who is prettier? Obviously you. I can also guarantee that :').

Have you talked to a psychologist or therapist? You can't get better if you don't branch out and try other alternatives.

[Thanatos]

I don't know what to say. I don't know why I am how I am. But I'm trying to fix it. I just don't know how. And it's hard for me in the meantime.

You are seriously pretty, I know thats a lot less wordy and eloquent than how Daylight went about saying it, but it does not change the fact that it is true. A lot of people are overly critical of themselves. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and wonder how the hell people can stand having to look at me while they talk to me. My face is ugly and acne covered, my hair is awful, my sense of style is completely horrendous and I have pudge >.> It's learning to go beyond that and realize, Hey, this is me. This is who I am, and I love me regardless of what ridiculous stereotypes people have set.

Learning to accept ourselves is one of the hardest lessons in life, if not the hardest. But until you are able to accept how you look and who you are, you won't find happiness.

Also, if you compare your pictures to mine, who is prettier? Obviously you. I can also guarantee that :').

You need to start giving yourself more credit. I know this isn't your thread but I was getting tired of your ridiculous suggestions of how unbecoming you are. I remember talking to you on one of my first days here about how you need to look at yourself in a better light. You are a beautiful girl, and the sooner you learn that the better your life will be :P

[screamtobeheard]

No, I just went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and I was up to 159. Which kind of makes me want to kill myself and I've probably lost a bit since then, since I've been restricting and exercising. But at that point my bmi was 21.4. Which is higher than it's ever been in my life. Also, you're gorgeous. Why would you think I'm prettier than you?
I haven't talked to a psychologist or a therapist, and my counselor is no help. I'm afraid to go to therapy or anything.

[Lethe]

You are seriously pretty, I know thats a lot less wordy and eloquent than how Daylight went about saying it, but it does not change the fact that it is true. A lot of people are overly critical of themselves. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and wonder how the hell people can stand having to look at me while they talk to me. My face is ugly and acne covered, my hair is awful, my sense of style is completely horrendous and I have pudge >.> It's learning to go beyond that and realize, Hey, this is me. This is who I am, and I love me regardless of what ridiculous stereotypes people have set.

Learning to accept ourselves is one of the hardest lessons in life, if not the hardest. But until you are able to accept how you look and who you are, you won't find happiness.

This is a really nice paragraph you should read thoroughly, Amanda :).

[screamtobeheard]

He must have posted while I was typing, because I just saw that post. Thank you! (Dee, you should really take in what he said to you as well.)

Jay: Thank you for that. You're right. I need to start learning to love myself. I'm trying. Maybe one of these days, I'll succeed. I certainly hope so.

[Lethe]

Once you realize all that you have, life becomes so much better. I realize that I have a lot more than some girls do; I'm not obese or severely overweight, just about 10-15lbs overweight. I can fix that if I truly work towards it. If I can be 140 by December, I will be eternally happy, because 140 is a healthy, realistic weight for me and it will make me look more beautiful body-wise. Maybe someday I'll accept my face, but that's a stretch. Focus on one thing at a time and work hard at it. That's what I plan to do.

I agree with Jay. If I accept myself I will be happier and nicer around people, which in turn will improve me socially. I can't simply sit in a corner and ruminate over all of the bad things about me. There are more good things than bad, even if I myself don't exactly see it that way yet. There's always twice as many good things as bad things when it comes to who you are, you just have to find them.

[Thanatos]

IT's the hardest lessons that are the most important and helpful. If you never learn to accept yourself you end up looking like this:

http://madmikes.madmikesamerica.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/steriods.jpg

http://www.bodybuilder-photos.com/galleries/2003/2003-12_NABBA-Int-Inc_Universe_Cuxhaven/images/bodybuilder-female_IMG_3120.jpg

[screamtobeheard]

Dee: I realize that I have a lot. It may not seem like I know it, but I do. When I think logically, I know that I have everything a lot of girls want. I have blue eyes. Everyone thinks I'm pretty. I've got thick hair. A ton of boys think I'm gorgeous and have a great body. I'm smart. I'm athletic. I'm musically inclined. I know that's what people see when they look at me, it's just that I don't believe most of it for myself. I can't find it in me to believe that I'm pretty or skinny or anything. I don't know why.

Jay: Again, you're absolutely right. And the way you put that made me laugh. Thanks, I really needed a laugh, actually.

[Lethe]

See...if I had any of the things you had, my life would be complete. I'd kill to have one guy in the entire world think I'm pretty or think that I have a nice body. It just isn't possible for me. But it is for you. At least accept that.

[screamtobeheard]

I kind of think you're in the same boat as I am, though. And you just don't realize it.

[Lethe]

No, I'm not. I'm not pretty. I weigh a lot more than you. And I'm single. How am I in the same boat as you are? You have more than I do.

[screamtobeheard]

Because you're actually really pretty. And weight is just a number. You're gorgeous how you are, and you don't see it. Plus, I happen to like being single. I only have a boyfriend because (sadly) I really, really like him. But being single is much more fun.

[Lethe]

Really? I'm not nearly as pretty as you. My eyes always make me look like I'm staring wide-eyed, my hair is straight and never curls, my eyes need makeup and I need face powder to hide my red cheeks. If anything, you're way prettier than me. Trust me. If I could look like you, I'd be eternally happy.

[screamtobeheard]

Yes, really. I'm always tired, so half the time my eyes look like I'm high or hung over. My hair is also straight and won't curl. My lips are weird. My teeth are crooked. No, darling. You just don't see it in yourself.

[Lethe]

Trust me, you're much prettier than me. More than you realize.

[screamtobeheard]

I could say the same about you. But that's just the thing. Neither of us can see it in ourselves.

[Eagle63]

All that anger that you're harboring, dont use it by feeling sory for yourself. Put that anger to work and motivate yourself to get better and fix things!!! :) Feel free to PM me whenever, okay?

[screamtobeheard]

I'll try! And thank you, I will. (:

[Fear]

What? Your not fat? Your pretty much the cutest person I have ever seen. fat is completely different. You aren't fat, you shouldn't starve yourself. You are a nice looking girl, it isn't worth you dying. I can understand the anger in you, I have heaps in me waiting to be let out. But, please calm down. Your not fat, and I bet you know that for a fact. If its other people calling you fat, they are obviously jelous of you.

[screamtobeheard]

What? Your not fat? Your pretty much the cutest person I have ever seen. fat is completely different. You aren't fat, you shouldn't starve yourself. You are a nice looking girl, it isn't worth you dying. I can understand the anger in you, I have heaps in me waiting to be let out. But, please calm down. Your not fat, and I bet you know that for a fact. If its other people calling you fat, they are obviously jelous of you.
Thank you. You're right. Theoretically, I do know I'm not fat. But I still feel like I am. I guess it's kind of weird. But thank you because that actually makes me feel a little, tiny bit better.

[BOBBY HILL]

I'm tired of being responsible

:rolleyes:

[Kdude146]

don't do that I don't know you but your betafull in your own way god made you sepical so plz don't kill yourself if you need someone to talk to I am here to talk :)

[screamtobeheard]

Thank you. That made me smile.

[Marc5]

maybe some people could use the BMI index as a guide for their weight so they don't get too far off track.

[screamtobeheard]

maybe some people could use the BMI index as a guide for their weight so they don't get too far off track.

Implying something?

[Lethe]

I don't get it. You have everything I'll never have. That should be a comfort in itself. At least you aren't fat, at least you have a boyfriend. You're way better than me in every way.

[Magenta]

I don't get it. You have everything I'll never have. That should be a comfort in itself. At least you aren't fat, at least you have a boyfriend. You're way better than me in every way.

Just because she has everything someone else wants, doesn't make her issues any less. She sees things differently. What may seem amazing to you can be a burden to someone else. Really it doesn't help to compare. While you think it may be a comfort, it may just be empty words.

Sorry to step in if I'm not really wanted 'cause I'm sort of late in the discussion but from what I've read, it just doesn't seem like comparing will do much.

To the OP, I think you're beautiful the way you are but I know it takes more than others' words to see that beauty. Just remind yourself everyday that you're beautiful. You don't have to believe it now. In time, repeating it may cause it to sink in and you'll believe it in time. :)

[Lethe]

She has a boyfriend. I think that counts for something, doesn't it? What about people like me, who've never dated and never will?

[Magenta]

She has a boyfriend. I think that counts for something, doesn't it? What about people like me, who've never dated and never will?

A) This thread isn't about you.

B) Everything is in the eye of the beholder. Having a boyfriend to some people, isn't the greatest thing in the world. It's a lot of work, it's stressful, it can be heartbreaking. I swore off dating for awhile because of the toll it took from me. The world isn't about dating. Sure, there's other people in this world. But you are yourself and you have to live with yourself. It's not for the approval of others, it's for your own approval that you do anything.

Sure, it may count for something for you but not everyone else.

[Lethe]

I didn't say it was about me. I was reminding her how lucky she is. That's all.

[screamtobeheard]

Please stop degrading yourself. You don't deserve to do that to yourself.

[Lethe]

This thread isn't about me, it's about you.

[screamtobeheard]

To the OP, I think you're beautiful the way you are but I know it takes more than others' words to see that beauty. Just remind yourself everyday that you're beautiful. You don't have to believe it now. In time, repeating it may cause it to sink in and you'll believe it in time.
Thank you. (: I'm trying to make myself believe it. It's just hard.
Everything is in the eye of the beholder. Having a boyfriend to some people, isn't the greatest thing in the world. It's a lot of work, it's stressful, it can be heartbreaking. I swore off dating for awhile because of the toll it took from me. The world isn't about dating. Sure, there's other people in this world. But you are yourself and you have to live with yourself. It's not for the approval of others, it's for your own approval that you do anything.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say, but haven't been able to figure out how. I don't like dating. I don't want to be dating. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. I only date my boyfriend because I actually love him, and I feel very unfortunate to have fallen in love with him, because I loved being single, and if I could deal with separating myself from him, I'd break up in a heartbeat...Sorry about that small rant.

[Lethe]

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe I'm reading this right now. And I don't mean to be rude by any means, but...I just don't know what to say. You have so much. You have a boyfriend! Do you know how badly I want one? How badly I want someone to care for me or at least think I'm more than just a ugly pile of shit? Yet you would break up with your boyfriend in a heartbeat. It just makes absolutely no sense to me. If I were you I would never do that. I'd consider myself lucky beyond any doubt. But maybe that's what happens when you have nothing. Everything seems more important even though you can never have it.

[Magenta]

Amanda, glad I could word that for you. :) I know how you feel so you're not alone in that. That's what it was like with my ex and for some reason I still dated him three times. Honestly, I think the most reason I dated him was pressure to date someone 'cause everyone would ask me if I had a boyfriend and he happened to be someone I liked a lot but it wasn't really something I was all that into. It was just too much at the time along with everything else.

Also, as for believing things, the mindset you are in now was obviously caused by something. Likely, that something caused you to think something negative about yourself for so long that you began to believe it. Try saying that you're beautiful once a day. Why shouldn't the same idea have the opposite effect as well? If you say you hate yourself long enough to believe it, can't you believe you love yourself after awhile of doing the same thing? Make sense? Thing is, negative emotions are a lot easier to come across, a lot easier to channel. To do the opposite, you have to make a conscious effort. It's hard, it takes a long time but it's a simple step towards getting better if you really want to. :)



Dee, again, it is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you think that dating is the most important thing in the world, doesn't make that so. Everyone has their own mindset, their own life and their own priorities. You were born into this world as ONE person. You live your life as ONE person. You have to focus on you, not on making your life all about someone else. You want to date someone? You had better come to terms with yourself first because you're stuck in your own body. You can spend your whole life wanting to be someone else but guess what? That's not going to happen. Ever. Try living for yourself rather than living for some guy.

[bambino]

Dee, again, it is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you think that dating is the most important thing in the world, doesn't make that so. Everyone has their own mindset, their own life and their own priorities. You were born into this world as ONE person. You live your life as ONE person. You have to focus on you, not on making your life all about someone else. You want to date someone? You had better come to terms with yourself first because you're stuck in your own body. You can spend your whole life wanting to be someone else but guess what? That's not going to happen. Ever. Try living for yourself rather than living for some guy.

put perfectly, tried telling Dee this before. Please listen!
Having a boyfriend isn't the most important thing in the world. And to truly love someone else you need to try and love yourself first.