Vent...

[Love.Hate]

I hate having to post in here, but I really need to vent. So you don't have to read this. I won't mind, just my shit that people don't seem to care about. sorry in advance.

I have been feeling worse recently, much much worse. I went camping and I know realise what a prick I have been ruining my body like this. Swimming was a challenge.. Had to wear a long top in the sea to cover my thighs. All those skinny girls in bikinis. I reckon they must be about 7 stone. That's my goal. Not like it's ever going to happen. Mum saw my arm, and was like "oh your getting worse" I'm not that much really, well I don't know. The fact I have already scarred my body makes me want it more. It's already destroyed.. Why not destroy it more? Seems logical to me. So food, bloody hell I starved myself recently. Even if he hated it. But I was so happy I lost eight pounds I felt pretty good about myself.. Until I gained 4 back.

I think I am depressed. I don't know, my problems are so trivial. Just hating myself. Hate hate hate. I'm seeing another psychologist on the 29th. This one is a girl she might be nice, my last one was finding shitty problems that don't matter to me.. Like anxiety? I mean who cares if I check the doors a few times before bed? I like being safe.

I want to cry and I don't know why. I'm wasting your time, sorry if your actually reading this. I just feel like shit and pretty worthless. My life has come to me pushing all my problems to the side and helping others. Why do I even exsist? I have been collecting paracetamol.. I know I shouldn't but I have.. If I take two paracetamol when I have a headache I'm probably lying.. I am just saving them up. But I can't hurt them, him. Oh god this is killing me. Why do I want to die so badly? This is so unfair on everyone. I'm so sorry. I'm scared of getting hurt. I have awful awful nightmares, rape, torture, been beaten it terrifies me that this might one day happen. I feel like running infront of a car, or cutting my arm too pieces. I'm moving to a new school (sixth form/college) I only know one person that might be going. What if they don't like me? I don't want to get bullied again. All my life someone has been horrible to me about something whether that be my shitty freckles, my weird London ish twist in my accent or just me. I don't do anything wrong, I'm nice to everyone :( I don't want them to be horrible. Oh please don't be horrible to me I can't take it. I need a hug. A real friend, not one that is only being my friend to moan at me all the time. Moan moan moan, is that what bestfriends do all the time? I dont want to sit and comfort her over some guy she used for sex. It annoys me. Im not one of these girls that plans outfits or worries about their hair. Maybe I should be more Girly? Maybe that's where I'm going wrong? Either way all I want is to be good enough.

I want perfection, perfect body, perfect mind. I need to be perfect because then I will be happy. I want happiness.

[AltoVaughn]

I don't consider my time reading this wasted, but I don't feel like I have any advise to give that isn't things people have told you hundreds of times I'm sure. Please try and love yourself for who you, you're the only you there ever will be. I'd offer to talk to you about things but I'm sure there's better people for that.

*Waits for FaithAndTrust to post* - Listen to whatever this girl right here says. :)

I wish you well.

[FullyAlive]

Fran :( I care, have a hug :hug:

I get the I may as well destroy myself more, I've already started why stop, sort of thoughts. But you've got to fight them, because the more scars you give yourself the more you have to hate, the worse you'll feel. It's just a on going cycle don't give yourself permission to start it.

This new psychologist is probably a good idea, although I wouldn't rule out things like anxiety whilst they may not be large concerns of yours they probably aren't helping how you feel and if you can decrease the smaller stuff then the other problems might be easier to cope with. But wait, see what this psych says?

You aren't wasting anyone's time, we want to help you, look after you :hug3:
It's only natural to be worrying about 6 form hell I am and I'm not moving schools. But seriously if the only things they can find to be mean about are your freckles or your accent both of which are nice things so fuck them. But if that's it all they can find to say something about then maybe you realise that there is absolutely nothing bad about you.

Collecting paracetemol really isn't good, if you get an impulse it's going to make it that much harder to fight it, and thats what you have to do fight it. People want you here, myself included. Try to get rid of what you have?

And please try to remember you are good enough, you shouldn't change for anyone at all. You are perfect in your own unique and amazing way. I promise. Happiness will come youve just got to keep trying.

[Love.Hate]

Thankyou both, just for reading it. I can't help bit feel I wasted your time.

Louise I think the cycle has already began, I'm stuck in it. Wanting to do serious damage to myself isn't good :/ I can't get these thoughts out. I guess your right, I do need to focus on the small things cause everything gets to me. I will see what the psych says.

I'm actually really glad you said your worrying about 6th form, because everyone I know is really excited about it. But I guess they have nothing to worry about as they are staying on so they have gaurenteed friends. I don't know why I care what people think of me, but I do. But your right they aren't worth knowing if they criticise me for small things.

I can't get rid of the paracetamol, it's my comfort blanket. I know if all else fails I won't have to panic around finding them when I'm most desperate, as it distresses me even more. I need them I guess. Cause things have a habit of going wrong.

Will happiness come though? Or am I just wishful thinking? I might be good enough for everyone, well they think I am. But I'm not good enough for myself. I figure I want perfection for me more than anything, I want the confidence that comes with it.

:hug: thankyou for caring guys, it really means a lot <3 <3

[fenrirdies]

People that make fun of other people because they have nothing better to do should be the ones killing themselves. You help people here and and should just avoid people so void of happy ness that they bother you,

[Love.Hate]

People that make fun of other people because they have nothing better to do should be the ones killing themselves. You help people here and and should just avoid people so void of happy ness that they bother you,

I really stuggle to not think that its me thats in the wrong though, not them. The problem must be me? Its harder to avoid it, when there are always people knocking you down though. I know the fact i want to kill myself isnt good, and yes i do help people because it makes me feel better about myself, like i have a purpose in life. Thankyou for your reply :)