Gave up.

[LittleEpidemic]

-Quite detailed, careful might be triggering. I just needed to tell somebody the whole story.-

I gave in.

I don't know if I feel better or not... I'm more shocked right now.

I gave in to unscrewing the sharpener. I let the blade sit on my desk until I could have a shower. For the first time I felt I had to be in the shower, usually I cut on my bed and then have a shower.. like a ritual but I HAD to be in the shower tonight.

I got in the bathroom and then went mental.

I set my blade on the towel and got in the shower. I washed my hair and my body obsessively. I didn't put conditioner in my hair because that would be adding dirt and impurity. I don't know why I felt like that.

I got out and grabbed my blade, careful that it didn't touch anything other than me.

Back in the shower, I turned the water way up so it was really strong and really hot. My feet were going red. I started to hack at my hips until the pain was unbearable (Haven't cut in months. No pain threshold.)

Got out, wrapped my blade in toilet paper (unrolled half the roll so nobody but me would have touched it) Blotted the cuts with more toilet paper.

Left the bathroom like nothing had happened.

I don't know how I feel.
I don't know why everything had to be extremely clean but I fear that this relapse is the beginning of a new, weirder ritual.

[StoppingTime]

I'm sorry to hear about the relapse, and though I've never cut, I will try to help you.
How long had it been since you last cut? (Not that it really matters because any improvement is substantial). I can't say that I know how you feel, and I am sure that cutting can help, but if there is anything else that would help you cope with your life, try it.
Once again sorry to hear about it, and good luck on a new streak :)

[senior.2013]

Ive never personally had a cutting problem, but I try to comfort people so heres my shot:

Usually when I read cases like this, theres a stresser in the persons life. Usually involves someone passing away, a fight, a family issue, or people dont feel like themselves. I understand how something happens and its not something you can control.
The cleanliness may have been a form of OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This can take place in personal cleanliness to where people can be in the shower for 12 hours a day to making sure the pencils on your desk are straight.
Also, from what I have heard on this site is people are less likely to cut when they are around people during the day, or with time limits. If you feel like this will always be a shower time thing, try to say, "I only need 10 minutes in the shower," or plan to do something after it that you cannot miss.
Like I said, I am not a person with this impulse, but I hopes this helps, even the slightst bit.

I put this on all my posts because I mean it with my heart: You have plenty of people on here who are more than happy to help you. If all you need is someone to listen, I'm here. My email is under my contact info and feel free to click it any time.

[StoppingTime]

"I only need 10 minutes in the shower," or plan to do something after it that you cannot miss.

This. If there is any way that you can avoid lengthening this streak, try to. Especially if you are around other people most of the day, they to force yourself to spend more time with them, and this way you won't cut because you don't want them to know. However, if this doesn't work, I would try to limit things that you do that have an end result in cutting. Like senior.2013 said, plan your day so that cutting doesn't have a spot on you shecdule.

Hope I helped, and I know I can't personally know what your going through, but you can pull through.

If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask most of the people here (including myself) mods, or anyone you trust.
Good Luck :D

[LittleEpidemic]

Thank you, you're both quite helpful.
I don't know what the impulse was other than I hadn't cut in two months and the urge came back two weeks ago.. But I plan on keeping the blade out of sight and hopefully it was just a slip up instead of a relapse. x

[senior.2013]

No problem. Keep up hope, stay strong, and never give up.

[Aubrie]

It sounds like you have an OCD. Some OCDs are triggered by other things, so it may not be a problem. However, what is the problem is you felt like you had to cut. I struggled with it for a few years, so maybe some of my distraction techniques will help.

There was a breathing exercise online that I tried to find. It had someone recorded that went through the exercise with you. I'll just explain it. You breathe in for 4 seconds and then breathe out for 4. Focus on your breathing and the way how your body moves with each breath. After you're calmed, try breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 8. This exercise helped me a lot because it's very distracting.

You do need to find the source of your urge and work on improving that circumstance. Just remember that it's normal to slip up when you're trying to stop. I can't even tell you how many slip ups I had before I actually was able to get to where I am today (1 year, 9 months, 7 days cut-free).

If you have any questions or just want to talk, feel free to PM me.