deadpie
August 13th, 2011, 04:14 AM
I don't know what to do with all my rage right now. Even with being in a relationship and having a guy that I love who also loves me, this rage is still inside of me. Like usual, it only grows. Every fucking human I walk by, except my bf and a few other people, I think in my head of killing them in various sadistic ways. It doesn't matter their age or gender. It's just I can't stop thinking about how much I really just fucking hate people in general on this world and I wish a country or two was completely wiped the fuck out, even if it's mine. Particularly mine actually. That doesn't sound too bad.
This is the part where you say, "Have you talked to a therapist", "Maybe you should seek professional help", or "Try to get good hobbies like music and art."
Well, my parents aren't interested in driving me to places to get help. They pretend I'm 'cured' of my problems and everything that has gone on in my life. Yes, I've seen a therapist; I just don't see him anymore, thanks to my parents. No, I can't go back to him because he quit his job and I won't see another therapist because there won't be another like him and I'd find it disrespectful to do so.
Hobbies? I used to make art, but quit when I left therapy. Too much self hatred towards it all and now it just sits in my room. I hate staring at all of it and just want to burn it all the time. And yes, I make music. Tons. I've joined a band recently and have a project with my boyfriend where we've made over ten releases just in the past few months.
I guess the music helps sort of, but it's temporary. That will eventually wear out.
The sleeping is not working at all. I mean for fucks sake, it's 4:11 AM and I didn't sleep last night. I'm getting worse as an insomniac. I've tried to stop taking xanax, but the pain is so fucking bad and I don't want to go to a detox center so I just take this shitty fucking detox medication I spent most of my money on that I was going to spend on fucking dates and shit.
No, I can't just fucking a move on. I don't know how to. That fucking child clenching onto his knees in the shower with blood running out of his ass down the drain is always going to be inside of me. I see him more than I see my own face. He's not fucking leaving and I wish he would just die.
I can't fucking take this shit. All I want to do is watch the entire planet explode.
This is the part where you say, "Have you talked to a therapist", "Maybe you should seek professional help", or "Try to get good hobbies like music and art."
Well, my parents aren't interested in driving me to places to get help. They pretend I'm 'cured' of my problems and everything that has gone on in my life. Yes, I've seen a therapist; I just don't see him anymore, thanks to my parents. No, I can't go back to him because he quit his job and I won't see another therapist because there won't be another like him and I'd find it disrespectful to do so.
Hobbies? I used to make art, but quit when I left therapy. Too much self hatred towards it all and now it just sits in my room. I hate staring at all of it and just want to burn it all the time. And yes, I make music. Tons. I've joined a band recently and have a project with my boyfriend where we've made over ten releases just in the past few months.
I guess the music helps sort of, but it's temporary. That will eventually wear out.
The sleeping is not working at all. I mean for fucks sake, it's 4:11 AM and I didn't sleep last night. I'm getting worse as an insomniac. I've tried to stop taking xanax, but the pain is so fucking bad and I don't want to go to a detox center so I just take this shitty fucking detox medication I spent most of my money on that I was going to spend on fucking dates and shit.
No, I can't just fucking a move on. I don't know how to. That fucking child clenching onto his knees in the shower with blood running out of his ass down the drain is always going to be inside of me. I see him more than I see my own face. He's not fucking leaving and I wish he would just die.
I can't fucking take this shit. All I want to do is watch the entire planet explode.