Is he confused?

[tjd154]

Ok, I'm going to keep this as short as possible. Basically there's this guy at school I've admired for about 2 years and I told him after about a year and a half. Just before christmas last year, at a friend's sleepover he was invited to, we got into bed together and were quite intimate. We got to '2nd base' as I think it's called in American. Anyway, it was one of the best days of my life, if not THE best because of how much I liked him and how long I'd liked him for. The following evening, on IM he said that he didn't know why he had done it and he never wanted it to happen again. I was completely devastated and I ended up suffering extreme depression over christmas. However, I still believed that he may still like me an carried on optimistic. About a month ago, he told me many things including that he didn't like me the same way I liked him and again I got quite depressed. However, we remain good friends, but now I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. We have some very honest and intimate conversations about our feelings sometimes, and he told me that he 'wants to stay straight' and was planning to 'ignore' his feelings for boys. Everyone at school now knows what happened at that sleepover and consequently I have had to come out as bisexual. He, however, tells people he is straight, which no-one believes. Can anybody give me any advice? The depression is setting in again partly because I can't take much more of school with some of the idiots that take the piss every day. Do you think he could be gay/bi or is he really straight? What should I do about being in love with him? I've tried to move on before but I failed miserably and ended up in more pain than when I started.

[Everglow]

hmmmmm idk....very difficult to tell....obviously he doesn't want to be gay/bi....heck...i had a tough time admitting that i am bi.....maybe he's still in the denial phase...does he like girls??

[tjd154]

He had one girlfriend before but although it lasted about 6 months, I don't think they were that close. I think he likes girls yeah but it's a boy's school so we don't meet girls as often as some people.

[Everglow]

all boys...lol...i used to go to an all boys school ;) ...then i had to transfer bc..we moved....major bummer

anyway, are you friends with any of his ex's friends??? preferably girls...or a gay/bi guy. if so, try talking to them about him....you know like why they broke up...was he a good bf..stuff like that....

hmmmm it's definately hard (and not advised) to come out to a dude at an all guys school....or have any sexual contact with a guy at a same sex school, because word gets around...as in your case. i not being cynical btw
anyway...i definately think your guy-friend is in denial...i've been through it...i know it...this sounds like a classic case....he got a gf probably bc he knew she would like him....but mainly to cover up his undercover gayness...especially at an all guys school...

keep us posted mate

[tjd154]

Single sex schools aren't that uncommon in UK, especially a grammar school like ours (where you have to pass a test to get in).

Yeah I'm good friends with one of his ex's good friends. She knows more than anyone about the situation, she was the first one I told when I started to like him. He says he feels bad about what he did (at the sleepover), but something that has happened a few weeks ago at a sleepover at my house, was I dared him to strip under the covers and masturbate which he did, I don't know if that means anything tho:confused:

[Everglow]

was this recent?...like after he told you he wanted to stay straight?? if soooo....then i think he is definately interested in experimenting with a guy...expecially bc you asked him and he did it :)

[Maverick]

He probably can't deal with the pressure of being known as bisexual so he wants to be considered straight. He is in obvious denial but you should respect what he wants to do and let him live a straight life if that's what he wants to choose. All you can do is get over it with time and realize that it's the only option.

[tjd154]

was this recent?...like after he told you he wanted to stay straight?? if soooo....then i think he is definately interested in experimenting with a guy...expecially bc you asked him and he did it :)

Yeah quite recent and yes after he told me he wanted to stay straight.

[Everglow]

how have things been this week with your guyfriend situation?

[tjd154]

Well I've been really ill from Wednesday so I haven't been at school. I felt he had been avoiding me for a bit so I gave him a Cadbury's Creme Egg on tuesday and got a smile from him:) . It doesn't sound like much but I always do this 'act' when I'm with him where I give him stuff and do whatever he says, he plays along with it too and bosses me about etc. Anyway, I was thinking about another sleepover possibly, also I was supposed to cycle to his house (which does take time since he lives about 8 or 9 miles away) but I've either been too ill or busy.

Back to the point, do you think another sleepover would be a good idea? He tends to be more open and honest when we're alone or just with a few close friends so I thought if there was any progress to be made, thats where I could do it. Any thoughts? Please write back!

[Everglow]

lol...flirtations are fun..!!

btw get well soon!!!!!!

[tjd154]

Does anyone have any advice?

[northskater110]

hmmm i have no idea

[Dameon]

Well I've been really ill from Wednesday so I haven't been at school. I felt he had been avoiding me for a bit so I gave him a Cadbury's Creme Egg on tuesday and got a smile from him:) . It doesn't sound like much but I always do this 'act' when I'm with him where I give him stuff and do whatever he says, he plays along with it too and bosses me about etc. Anyway, I was thinking about another sleepover possibly, also I was supposed to cycle to his house (which does take time since he lives about 8 or 9 miles away) but I've either been too ill or busy.

Back to the point, do you think another sleepover would be a good idea? He tends to be more open and honest when we're alone or just with a few close friends so I thought if there was any progress to be made, thats where I could do it. Any thoughts? Please write back!






As someone who is experienced with this kind of situation listen to me when I say "Talk to him ALONE." This same incident happened to me last spring, except I was in your mate's position. He is scared. I know he is because he seems to have had the same reaction I did. He too was probably happy to get the chance to be intimate with you, he just might not have been ready. I remeber last year when this happened to me I went into shock when our kissing escalated into intercourse. I completely blanked out when we were "together." I kept thinking what would my parents say, what would our roomate (who was asleep - at the time- we were in the bathroom) say............I panicked, and later that morning as I was standing in the shower I felt like I had been raped, not necessarily by the traditional defintion, but I was crushed because I felt taken advantage of. I was soooo sure he would tell everyone since he was openly bi. But more importantly I was hurting inside beacuse I felt I had wasted my virginity on him. I wouldn't be able to give my first kiss to a person I truly loved. I just seized an opportunity because it presented itself. I was so happy to sleep with him, I didn't stop to ask myself the question SHOULD I? He had plenty of partners and I was just another notch on his pole.
I 'm not trying to make YOU feel bad you didn't hurt him or anything......he's just lost. He needs help, BELIVE ME he does more than you may realize.
I lost my best friend, who I'd been in love with for over 10 years, in 9th grade to suicide because he felt he couldn't take being gay. He e-mailed me the note. His brothers still hate me to this day because they know how I felt about him and think somehow I put the idea in his head that he was gay. It still KILLS me that he had/has no clue.
TRUST ME talk to him. Ask him about his feelings of what happened that night. He might just be scared to admit he is gay/bi and is confused as to what he is looking for. I think you as a friend can help him understand these things. Best of luck:P

[Everglow]

As someone who is experienced with this kind of situation listen to me when I say "Talk to him ALONE." This same incident happened to me last spring, except I was in your mate's position. He is scared. I know he is because he seems to have had the same reaction I did. He too was probably happy to get the chance to be intimate with you, he just might not have been ready. I remeber last year when this happened to me I went into shock when our kissing escalated into intercourse. I completely blanked out when we were "together." I kept thinking what would my parents say, what would our roomate (who was asleep - at the time- we were in the bathroom) say............I panicked, and later that morning as I was standing in the shower I felt like I had been raped, not necessarily by the traditional defintion, but I was crushed because I felt taken advantage of. I was soooo sure he would tell everyone since he was openly bi. But more importantly I was hurting inside beacuse I felt I had wasted my virginity on him. I wouldn't be able to give my first kiss to a person I truly loved. I just seized an opportunity because it presented itself. I was so happy to sleep with him, I didn't stop to ask myself the question SHOULD I? He had plenty of partners and I was just another notch on his pole.
I 'm not trying to make YOU feel bad you didn't hurt him or anything......he's just lost. He needs help, BELIVE ME he does more than you may realize.
I lost my best friend, who I'd been in love with for over 10 years, in 9th grade to suicide because he felt he couldn't take being gay. He e-mailed me the note. His brothers still hate me to this day because they know how I felt about him and think somehow I put the idea in his head that he was gay. It still KILLS me that he had/has no clue.
TRUST ME talk to him. Ask him about his feelings of what happened that night. He might just be scared to admit he is gay/bi and is confused as to what he is looking for. I think you as a friend can help him understand these things. Best of luck:P

I totally know that feeling too :( it makes me sad just to think of it...my situation happened with a guy at work...I was 16 (I turned 17 a few weeks ago)...and he was 28...yeah..talk about age difference...I felt violated afterward, but I consented...I hated myself for allowing it to happen. Embarrassingly enough, I cried the entire ride home. I knew I was a changed person after that experience...I was, as you said, just another notch on his pole. I gave up a part of me that I was not ready to give. When I thought things couldn't get worse, I realized that I had just cheated on my boyfriend with this guy. I felt my world collapse. I knew I had to be honest with him about it. I was terribly worried that I would lose the best thing that had ever happened to me. Before this incident, I already had depression, self hate and suicidal tendencies..but my boyfriend helped me so much...on the car ride home, I kept thinking how awefully I had just failed him. I was devastated. This has been part of the reason why I tried to kill myself...again. The other part was that I still couldn't accept myself for being bisexual. I thought that I was living against everything my parents and my religion believe. Well, a few days later I mustered up all the strength to tell my boyfriend about what happened at work. I was so ashamed and thought that he would never be able to forgive me. Suprisingly, when I told him, he was not angry. Yes, he was upset, but he was sorry and held me in his arms as I cried for what felt like forever. We are still together and I love my boyfriend more than ever. On our six month anniversary...well...that's for another time :) He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is everything and more that I have ever hoped for in someone.

I know this is not my thread...but thank you Dameon for sharing your story...it is already helped me to understand so many things and continue my healing process. I hope that you can heal from your experience as well. If you ever want to talk...you can hit me up any time. pm, im, email...doesn't matter.

tjd154...Dameon gives great advise to your situation. I too believe that you should be careful about how you go about getting with this guy. My only suggestion now is for you to take it slow and think about how your guyfriend is feeling. Try to do things for him, because you sincerely care about him. lol..you can hit me up too...anytime

[tjd154]

Thanks for the advice. I sort of know the feeling you mean and I do try to help him with his problems whenever I can.

[Dameon]

Yeah, glad I could be of help. I think a lot of people feel that way after their first time. And i think gay/bi guys have it worse because there is SOOO much anxiety involved.
I remeber when my mom picked me up...........the only thing I could think was what if she found out? Would she hate me? I felt DIRTY and I was certain that she could see it in my eyes. That was the first time I hated myself, TRULY. I sat in my bedroom thinking about how worthless I was, and how everybody would hate me when they found out. Worst of all I felt SOOOOO betrayed by him. I felt like he completely shattered my heart. The morning after ( we were at a band festival) he ignored me at the concert and on the ride home to where our parents were waiting fo us, he wouldn't hold my hand when I tried to (in the backseat,under the blanket). I felt like he hated me cause I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. I thought he still liked me, I thought I was in love with him.........but no. I was so worried about falling in love that I pursued "it" and I got what I deserved it.........................*sorry I lost my train of thought



(sorry for getting off topic....I think it might help to hear some of my experience cause it might help you see what's going on in his mind)