Reality needs to go away.

[Magenta]

I'm just... angry. Depressed and tired. The one thing I want, I can't have. I hate having to face reality. I do that and I break. Thing is... going anywhere else, I'd never leave. Go to sleep and I'd never want to wake up. I woke up this morning and thought that it would be better if I went back to bed. Maybe it would be. My nightmares are better than living right now.

This isn't the first time lately I've debated overdosing or just cutting for as long as I felt like it. I don't know if I want to die. I just would rather destroy myself. There's no point in trying otherwise. I'm fucked up beyond belief. How much more of this will there be?

I feel useless. I post here... yet nothing makes me feel better. I've been on VT for almost a year now? The number of posts I've made in the psych ward... I must be some pathetic fuck to still be making these posts and never recovering. My life should be perfect. I have... everything. Yet none of that really matters. What's the point having talents if you never feel good enough and can't enjoy them anymore? What's the point of knowing people if you endlessly hurt them?

Fuck sake, this hurts so much. I'm not living anymore. I'm also not dead. I try to tell people and I choke up... people like my psych. I try to tell and I don't want to disappoint them... like my mother. Or I don't want to burden them with a failure who is not getting better. That's everyone else... I just can't be who anyone wants me to be. Whether it be me or other factors I can't control, something is always wrong. Nothing ever works out. I'm getting sick of it.

I hate not being able to tell people things because it will hurt them. Yet not telling them does the same thing. Someone tell me what they want. Tell me what to do. I'm done panicking over everything. I'm done with my anxiety living my life for me. Just someone please tell me what they want. Tell me how I'm going to live. Just get me out of this place I'm in.

I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to finally push me over the edge or for something else to kill me. Waiting to finally just find a reason for the universe to be rid of me so I stop fucking up people's lives. People blame themselves for everything. My mother blames herself for not raising me properly. My dad blames himself for not seeing things sooner. Other people... just blame themselves and I'm the one doing that.

I can't take this anymore. I want the world to just hit the pause button or the stop button. I can't live in my own head anymore. That just makes things worse. But I also can't face reality. The reality that my own head is doing this. That therapy and medications don't work. That I've spent my entire fucking life believing I'm not meant to be here.

If you've read this wall of text... I'm amazed. If you read it thinking you should because you're my friend... I'm sorry you felt that way. If you read this for any other reason... you should be given a medal for actually taking the time to pay any attention to the worthless fucks of this world.

I spend so much time telling people that life is worth living, that they're beautiful, that they're strong... well, I've admit my weaknesses. I know them quite well. Where's that strength I need?

I guess the universe forgot about me. *sardonic laugh*
I'm such a bitter person. I really should be gone.

[anonymous53]

I'm just... angry. Depressed and tired. The one thing I want, I can't have. I hate having to face reality. I do that and I break. Thing is... going anywhere else, I'd never leave. Go to sleep and I'd never want to wake up. I woke up this morning and thought that it would be better if I went back to bed. Maybe it would be. My nightmares are better than living right now.
What do you want Jocelyn? Tell us.. maybe someone can help?

This isn't the first time lately I've debated overdosing or just cutting for as long as I felt like it. I don't know if I want to die. I just would rather destroy myself. There's no point in trying otherwise. I'm fucked up beyond belief. How much more of this will there be?
No overdosing, please Jocelyn.. There is a reason to keep trying. Just wait. You never know how much more there can be, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No, that light isn't dying. Yes, I'm a mind reader :p

I feel useless. I post here... yet nothing makes me feel better. I've been on VT for almost a year now? The number of posts I've made in the psych ward... I must be some pathetic fuck to still be making these posts and never recovering. My life should be perfect. I have... everything. Yet none of that really matters. What's the point having talents if you never feel good enough and can't enjoy them anymore? What's the point of knowing people if you endlessly hurt them?


You're not useless Jocelyn, you make people happy every day, I count that far from useless. You're more than good enough, keep perfecting those talents and you'll get even better. You don't endlessly hurt people. I promise...you don't

Fuck sake, this hurts so much. I'm not living anymore. I'm also not dead. I try to tell people and I choke up... people like my psych. I try to tell and I don't want to disappoint them... like my mother. Or I don't want to burden them with a failure who is not getting better. That's everyone else... I just can't be who anyone wants me to be. Whether it be me or other factors I can't control, something is always wrong. Nothing ever works out. I'm getting sick of it.

You are getting better, whether you realize it or not. The fact that you want to get better, shows you will :hug: You aren't burdening anyone at all. I promise, we all want to help. Something will always be wrong in the world, you've got to learn to grab onto the small things in life that make you happy. See a flower? Pick it. Keep it, it'll make you happier. See something pretty? Take a picture of it.


I hate not being able to tell people things because it will hurt them. Yet not telling them does the same thing. Someone tell me what they want. Tell me what to do. I'm done panicking over everything. I'm done with my anxiety living my life for me. Just someone please tell me what they want. Tell me how I'm going to live. Just get me out of this place I'm in.
The best route of this is to just tell them, if you feel they'll be hurt either way, might as well tell the truth. I've told you what I want. I want to see you, happy to see you smile.

I'm just waiting. Waiting for something to finally push me over the edge or for something else to kill me. Waiting to finally just find a reason for the universe to be rid of me so I stop fucking up people's lives. People blame themselves for everything. My mother blames herself for not raising me properly. My dad blames himself for not seeing things sooner. Other people... just blame themselves and I'm the one doing that.

You're not fucking up anyone's life. There will be no dying Jocelyn, sorry, but I'd have to resurrect you with the resurrection stone. Then hide with my invisibility cloak because I know you'd be pissed at me.


I can't take this anymore. I want the world to just hit the pause button or the stop button. I can't live in my own head anymore. That just makes things worse. But I also can't face reality. The reality that my own head is doing this. That therapy and medications don't work. That I've spent my entire fucking life believing I'm not meant to be here.

You are meant to be here, give it time and your purpose will be clear Jocelyn. Yes I know, I keep telling you to give it time, but it's true. You need to give it some time. Good things happen quickly, great things take a lifetime.


If you've read this wall of text... I'm amazed. If you read it thinking you should because you're my friend... I'm sorry you felt that way. If you read this for any other reason... you should be given a medal for actually taking the time to pay any attention to the worthless fucks of this world.

I wanted to , because I care about you. You're not a worthless fuck.

I spend so much time telling people that life is worth living, that they're beautiful, that they're strong... well, I've admit my weaknesses. I know them quite well. Where's that strength I need?

The strength you need is in your heart. Don't be afraid to lean on other people, because we're here for you.

I guess the universe forgot about me. *sardonic laugh*
I'm such a bitter person. I really should be gone.

I don't think you should be gone, I can name quite a few people who haven't forgotten about you. Fuck the universe if they forgot about you, because we're cooler than the Universe and we love you.

[Magenta]

Well, I did read all of that. Honestly, I'm not sure why I expect someone to tell me that I should go die or something. It would help. It really would. No one here seems to want to do that... *sigh*

No, that light isn't dying. Yes, I'm a mind reader :p

Yes, you are a mind-reader. But, honestly, are you sure? I do stupid things like look at my cat. She's lying next to me, purring and just watching me. For her, things are so simple. She sleeps all day or cuddles with me. She never has to worry about anything. Why bother making me human if I'm going to be miserable, worthless and useless? What was the point?

I'm not religious really... which is why I say the universe. But something created me. Was there a purpose or just something that happens? People are created, live then die. I guess during my living part, miserable was the purpose. 'Cause I've not seen any other options. From the time I was a kid until now... I've always wished I'd never been born. The happy moments... always overpowered. Now there's no happy moments anymore. There were but they ended up hurting me more.

So really... what's the point? If great things take a lifetime... well, if I plan on dying early, will it finally happen before the end of my lifetime? I'm not going to wait in misery. I'm too tired of this. I'm too exhausted from being in constant pain.

[anonymous53]

Jocelyn, It will happen. There will be no dying early. Sorry, I won't let you. :hug: You know what I said in that AIM message, remember it. Because it won't be changing any time soon. Stop worrying about the bad things, focus on the good.

[Magenta]

Thanks... I just wonder if trying really matters anymore. I've tried for so long. All things seem to do is get worse. It's frustrating. I don't get angry easily. It takes a lot. Well, reality is a lot. It pisses me off. It makes me want to go and cry and not wake up.

Bah. I'm being silly. This whole post was sort of... I don't know. Don't mind me.

[anonymous53]

If it makes you want to go cry, then cry.

I forget where I heard this quote from, but it stands out in my head

The answer to happiness (Not 42) "Laugh when you're happy, cry when you're sad, eat when you're hungry and love with all of your heart"

[bambino]

Hi Nauthaugyn again

you sound like youre having an especially hard time right now, I hope you're feeling a bit better by time you read this.
I honestly don't have a whole lot of useful advice as I still haven't worked out a 100% certain way to counteract this myself. But I can tell you what helps slightly change my perspective and make me feel a bit better.

1)If I killled myself, it would hurt everyone a million times more than if I carried on. So i carry on. I want the people I love to be happy, I don't get why they love me-- but I can't deny that they do. So I have to make myself live through the pain for them.

2)Another thing, is when I feel like this. I write. I have a notebook [a very pretty expensive one] and I write. I write poems, short stories. Anything to try and convey how I am feeling in the hope that one day, someone else will read it and think "hey, there are people who understand and feel like i do and I am not alone".
Because when you're so inside your own head, thats how it feels- solitary. Like being alone. I didn't realize how much I hate being alone.

3)Try and surround yourself with people. If i get the urge to cut I will sit with my Mum and say Mum i don't feel well, so we'll talk about anything until I calm down. More often though, I ring my friends. I have 1 friend I know I can ring whenever for whatever.

Another person to call, samaritans. Or email them. They can be really helpful and make you not feel like you have to shoulder the burden alone

4) believe in you. Think of that future you want, you desire with your whole heart and know that if you focus on that, work for that. You will get it. Just for you.

5) rather upsettingly, my final solution is antidepressants- they really help, citralopram I'm on

[Magenta]

Thanks Amber. I'm feeling a bit better. I don't know. My crashes seem to be happening for shorter amounts of time but they hit harder. I'm okay for now but I definitely won't say I have any hope that I will stay this way for long.

I think knowing people's reactions to how I feel already are a good indicator as to what would happen if I died. It's one of the reasons I'm still around. I may hurt people a ton now but I don't want to make it worse than I already have.

I'm incapable of being alone. I try writing but even that seems too solitary. That's why I'm always online here or talking to someone on an instant messenger. I can't handle being alone. I have too much time to myself. Even if I'm alone in a good mood, my mind will wander and it will change, sometimes drastically quickly. I don't like thinking I'm doing all of this to myself. I'm not sure. I think my mind just does that. It's horrible. I can't tell my mum or a lot of my friends though... so I feel even more alone.

I'm on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic, both mood stabilizers and the latter is a sedative for nights. I try to remember to take them but they barely work anyhow. I'd tell my psych but I freeze up and say everything is fine. I just can't seem to speak anymore about how things are.

[dead]

What I recommend is nonstop music through headphones and lying down with your eyes closed creating a fake reality in your head. That's what I do.

[Magenta]

I used to do that. Thing is, I get too wrapped up in it and when it was supposed to help, it makes things worse. Sometimes I have difficulty telling what's real and what is not. I need to know what the reality of things are. I need to know where I stand. If I get stuck in my head for too long and make myself happy that way, it makes things harsher to come back to.

[dead]

I'm fine being stuck in my head and not knowing what's real or not real.

[Magenta]

Uh, thanks anyway?

[dead]

Why did you say thanks? There was no advice in my comment.

[senior.2013]

Lets start off with this, I didn't read this because I give 2 fucks, I read this at 12:30 am because I want to help the person behind the wall of text, I don't want to help the pathetic fuck who wrote it, I want to know the person behind that label, that can analyze the world and pick out what there is left to enjoy.
I want to know the person who may want to die, but sees the awesome things to live for. If you want to die, think of everyone that you would hurt, not necessairly the people you know, but the people like me. The people on VT. Im sitting here trying to figure you out and the next thing I'll write.

If you overdose, no more people will see these posts and want to help you. If you cut, whats that last? 15-20 minutes? Then you have to go again, and again. I dont care who you are, no one would ever put that evil on you or wish you that pain.
You want to get better, thats making everyone happy, not putting a weight on their shoulders. And I hate to be one of the people to tell you, theres no push, your not fucking up anyones life, and things take time. Slow down. If you dont take the time to ENJOY life, you just might miss it.
As I said, I read this because I want to know YOU, not the worthless fuck you believe you are. Please dont ever think about overdosing again. People love you no matter who you are. If you think the worlds against you, remember that we, your Virtual Teen family is always by your side.


I put this on all my posts because I mean it with my heart: You have plenty of people on here who are more than happy to help you. If all you need is someone to listen, I'm here. My email is under my contact info and feel free to click it any time.

[Magenta]

I was actually going to make another post, reply, something because I'm feeling badly again. But thank you. I found this at just the right time.

[senior.2013]

I try. Again...
I put this on all my posts because I mean it with my heart: You have plenty of people on here who are more than happy to help you. If all you need is someone to listen, I'm here. My email is under my contact info and feel free to click it any time.

[JackRabbit]

Jocelyn, this ones a long shot... but a way you could try to think about life is that, every day in this world there are any number of people causing other people pain.

just because bad shit is happening everywhere, that doesn't make me feel terrible, and I'm sure you aren't worried about all the women being raped and the people being cheated on etc, you are more worried about your own problems.

So just because all of these bad things have happened to you, why try to let it ruin your pursuit of good food, water, and whatever else you want in life?

Anyone who thinks they are getting "more" out of life than survival is fooling themselves. That is all we do... It is nice to make friends and have a good conversation but in my opinion those things only help you out in the moment.

the sad (or happy) truth is that, no matter how good or bad your current situation is, one day pretty soon it is going to change, and then change again. and then again. and then you will die, and none of it will have meant anything.

or if you believe in heaven... yeah.