I don't know what to call this

[Twistember]

This is probably going to be a little triggering. Don't read this if you're not safe.

I've tried and tried to get away from self harm. I always end up sitting in my room holding a pencil sharpener blade or my moms x-acto. I just sit there until I can't take it anymore. Then I reopen some old almost healed cuts and make some new ones. Then I just watch the blood come out and drip down my arm.

I think it's beautiful how everytime my heart beats, a little more blood comes out. It's like everytime my heart beats, a little more anger, sadness, or my shame of myself drips out. Then it's gone. At least for half an hour. Then I feel everything all over again. I think it's beautiful when the blood clots over the cut, that the body is trying to heal itself. For me, blood is calming.

After I cut I feel better, but it never lasts. So I do it again. It's a cycle. I wish I was normal. It's like one moment I feel really great and really confident, then the next I'm really depressed. I've gotten myself into this and now I don't know how to get out.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I don't like/don't trust my psychologist. My psychologist is leaving to run his own practice, so I'm going to get a new one. No one knows I cut. I can't tell anyone because I'm supposed a happy, confident, normal girl now that I'm in "therapy". I have no chance with the boy I like because he probably thinks I'm a freak.

I don't know what to do.

I don't even know why I posted this.

[Bath]

You posted this because you want people to know, you want people to care.

I completely understand what you're saying and how it works. Actually, you explained it better than I ever could. You're really good with words.

Everybody whose addicted to self harm knows what you're saying about the cycle, and unfortunately that's a lot of people out there, so you're not alone.

And I can totally relate to the not wanting to tell anyone. My mom, brother, and boyfriend all think I got better. I can't tell them because they all react differently.. my mom gets mad, my brother gets anxious, and my boyfriend gets sad and depressed. It feels selfish not wanting to tell anybody. And I want to advise you to tell somebody to get better, but that'll be really hypocritical. We both know it's what we have to do, but we don't want to.

It's always good to vent. Ok how about this-- next time you feel like cutting, do exactly this. Write out in detail how it feels, why you want to, everything. You're good with words, so it might help. My words just get jambled up so I can't do that.

If you think that'll be too triggering, then try distracting yourself. It feels good to cut, but it's not good in the long run. It sucks to acknowledge that, but it's the truth.

I can just relate to all of this.

[xDarkAngelx]

Yeah, I shouldn't have read that as it was a trigger. I've become addicted and I know exactly what you mean about the cycle. I am the same with not wanting to tell anyone, nobody except one person I trust even though she's not really a friend.

[Twistember]

Thank you both for replying. It means a lot.

[xDarkAngelx]

Your welcome! I'm here if you need to talk aswell, just pm me anytime.

[xktx]

hey i know how you feel... i love the blood and it is a tough cycle to get out (im trying :/) xx
talking about it helps, even if it is with total strangers. and it helps if they do it cos then they understand. x
to try help, keep your hands and head busy. Try not to think too much, and if you get urges do something, anything that keeps your hands busy. I play the piano, or things like tetris (cos im cool :L) x

[senior.2013]

Like everyone said, you posted this because you DO want to talk about it. As I have said before, I have never cut, but I have seen cases on this site and in person so I try to comfort you.
Your relaxor is blood, which is understandable. Everything clogs your mind and the blood dripping is that cleaner. This is going to be a weird metaphor but bear with me: Your mind is a drain and eventually all your thoughts and emotions back up this drain until nothing will go down and thats when it pools. What do you do when your pipes back up? Call a plumber, in this case your blade. That plumber unclogs the drain for that hour, or day, or month, or year untill its cloged again.

Remember, drains always clog, you just need to know how to unclog it on your own instead of calling the plumber.

I put this on all my posts because I mean it with my heart: You have plenty of people on here who are more than happy to help you. If all you need is someone to listen, I'm here. My email is under my contact info and feel free to click it any time.