Stupid fucking rollercoaster.

[1_21Guns]

It's doing my head in, I don't want to go back to that. Something keeps overpowering me, tricking me into thinking I miss him because I'm 'lonely', I know it's bullshit because I have no issue with being alone, the stupid voice going on that I deserve to have interaction I don't want, because I'm worth nothing more. I'll want to go and down the whiskey in the kitchen, the vodka in my room doesn't even appeal, it's not strong enough anymore. I'm sat in a room with a stupid amount of inbuprofen for my back, doesn't interest me either - it's not strong enough. Cut, burn, stab, hit. Every possible bad thing under this earth I could want to happen to me suddenly floods in my head.
Then the next minute, I'll feel like I'm on top of the world, everythings fine, couldn't be better. Hyper as a 4 year old on red bull.
It's destroying me, it's destroying what's left of my emotion, provoking my insomnia to drain what's left of my energy. I'm losing it, I'm fucking losing it.
I start college in less than a month, I'm slipping. I don't know what to do with myself. Eating disorders on and off, starve, binge, starve, binge. Mum's noticed I weighed myself every day for a week, and now won't stop going on at me. I'm so on and off with my creative streak nowadays, I'll go from something to nothing in minutes. The pain pours out of my heart and into my brain, it's like a headache that never leaves. It's like being in so much pain you're numb. It's like the point before the bottom, when you can still see the light, but everytime you blink it grows duller.
I can't listen to them, not again.

[Dimitri]

I honestly have no idea what you are going through and I will not start off by saying "I know what you're going through."

How I deal with things is I throw myself into my work. I would suggest that since you are going to college you could join a serority where you can be with a group of girls who could help you because there is probably someone there who has gone through somehting similar to yourself or you could try clubs or other recreation activites to occupy your time.

[bambino]

Reading that sounds like reading about myself.
Especially the "You deserve to have someone"
No. I do not. I will not inflict myself on anyone, it's not fair on them.

Then the unexplained happiness, everythings great, life's good again, laugh laugh laugh. And then suddenly, it goes. And you feel alone. And you've never minded being alone before, because being around people means trying to talk and smile when inside you're dying. But now you can't shake the feeling, of being so totally alone inside your own head.
I know how that feels.
I used to drink a lot like you to try and forget. Mainly vodka. Yup, but now whiskey and coke. It's not worth it, alcohol is a depressant and in the long run it makes you fall deeper and deeper into depression.
The best I can advise is going to your doctor and asking for antidepressants. They really helped me. Citralopram increases serotonin and makes you more even, it's hard to explain. But really, I think it'd help you.

[superhustler]

hmm, I could really use some paragraphs.

I believe you're not keeping yourself busy enough. You're just following a routine everyday. Life should be dynamic, always changing. If you innovate, you'll feel better!

[1_21Guns]

Reading that sounds like reading about myself.
Especially the "You deserve to have someone"
No. I do not. I will not inflict myself on anyone, it's not fair on them.

Then the unexplained happiness, everythings great, life's good again, laugh laugh laugh. And then suddenly, it goes. And you feel alone. And you've never minded being alone before, because being around people means trying to talk and smile when inside you're dying. But now you can't shake the feeling, of being so totally alone inside your own head.
I know how that feels.
I used to drink a lot like you to try and forget. Mainly vodka. Yup, but now whiskey and coke. It's not worth it, alcohol is a depressant and in the long run it makes you fall deeper and deeper into depression.
The best I can advise is going to your doctor and asking for antidepressants. They really helped me. Citralopram increases serotonin and makes you more even, it's hard to explain. But really, I think it'd help you.

Yeah, I turned to drink two years ago. I've got better since, I used to be terrible. Problem is, I hate feeling dependant on things and I worry that being put on antidepressants will make me feel worse. Most of me just.. idk.. doesn't want to be helped or something. >.<

hmm, I could really use some paragraphs.

I believe you're not keeping yourself busy enough. You're just following a routine everyday. Life should be dynamic, always changing. If you innovate, you'll feel better!

Please, in the nicest way possible explain how you can keep yourself busy when you barely want to get out of bed. When everytime you find something new, you lose interest because you've lost interest in everything. You become attached to the depression, because it's all you've ever known. Change becomes the last thing you want.

[Magenta]

Hey Nat. :hug:

One thing you said caught my attention. "Problem is, I hate feeling dependant on things and I worry that being put on antidepressants will make me feel worse".

I don't think the anti-depressants will cause that problem. The thing about most anti-depressants are that they aren't permanent. They take awhile to work and even you out while you're depressed. What mine are used for are to keep my harsh mood swings a little less harsh so I can learn to cope without the medication and such without the moods distracting me. The chance of being dependent on them is very low. Who knows? You may not have to be on them for that long but they could be worth a try.

Thought I'd add my two cents on that subject. :)

[1_21Guns]

I guess I'm just hunting for every reason in the book not to go to the doctors, my mum would flip shit...

[Magenta]

I used to do that a lot but the medication I'm on does help some. Whatever your mum says will pass. You need to focus on you. Before college starts is a good idea because them you can focus without having to think about all this. I like to think of classes as distractions but often you can only be distracted for so long... and if you're even capable of being distracted anymore.