ShatteredWings
August 9th, 2011, 10:27 PM
WARNING:
this post won't make much sense and will probably be littered with major spelling errors.
may spell-check in morning.
Teamypeeps, feel free to bounce this around in psych. i put it here bc i started with SI buuuttttt yeah im so not thiking right now, i swear im not high though i wouln't mind being it.
ive been good for awhile. march ish was the alst time i cut according to my records (SH calander,wassadcookie when it was destickiedbut hohum)
i wanna cut. i know i can't. im fiinally in physical therapy for a 3ish y/o injury and they need to see my arms, bc of one of the therapy tratment thingers.
injruy's on my shoulder.
Keeping that up b/c it's not just pain it's impeding.
But like.
I want to cut.
I want to see it.
i want to feel it.
i want to see the blood on my blade.
i want my private fuckin ritual again. i miss cutting almost.
(11:11)
Im so fuckin stressed. i need to find a new job - im gonna loose my current one in october.
i need to get my collage essays underway.
i need to do my fuckin homework (easy solution i know)
i neeeeeeeeeddd to do well this year. i'm taking a heavy courseload as a senior and i cant fuck it up.
need to stay at home. need to keep them fooled.
need to make them still pretend to love me.
SO damn fuckin good at faking it.
No one's ever pulled me aside and - no, one teacher did. And i have him again this year.
fuck.
I need to get good at hiding it.
better.whatever. I'm already good.
I know how to make my cuts look like accidents or stretchmarks - god knows i have plenty on my legs. Can i cut my chest? It's gonna go anyway(ftm), why should I keep it in good condition anyway? It's already a mess just from existing.
I need to see if angeeeeee is in townnnn.... :rolleyes:
Its like.
How? How am I doing this still? How am i still alive?
I'm not planning suicide im just like. WTF.
Almost like im making it too far too easily for circumstances, and I should expect something terrible to happen.
I fight.
i always have.
emotional mental battles against odds and blocks.
Im tired of fighting.
I want to fuckin win already. Its selfish i know i don't give a fuck (Yes its late IDONTCARE) want out.
</3 I want out of this lie of a life i awnt to spread my fucking wings i want to fly away i want to get ou t of this town this state this COUNTRY even.
Away from everything thats held me back to whtshelped to whats saved. ya knwo? none of thats around here. my friends around here are aquantinces they know barely surface.
no one knwos me.
and they won't.
i don't even know me anymore.
Im scared.
i want my safety blanket black.
i want that relieaf.
nothing adult.
nothing childish.
just that.
WHy's that so wrong?
I'm so rambling.
this may end up deleed or redireceted to diary/rant thread soooooo yeah.
if you read past the "im so tired I sound drunk" meh. if ya got anthin constructive id be glad to hear it n the morning when im actualy awkae and shit.
[I'm so good at faking it, I'd been holding a conversation over skype and able to not let on wtf state I'm in. I can force myself to stay all fancypance shit. I Just chose not to for rant so i could get al the mind-vomit out. purge if you will.]
this post won't make much sense and will probably be littered with major spelling errors.
may spell-check in morning.
Teamypeeps, feel free to bounce this around in psych. i put it here bc i started with SI buuuttttt yeah im so not thiking right now, i swear im not high though i wouln't mind being it.
ive been good for awhile. march ish was the alst time i cut according to my records (SH calander,wassadcookie when it was destickiedbut hohum)
i wanna cut. i know i can't. im fiinally in physical therapy for a 3ish y/o injury and they need to see my arms, bc of one of the therapy tratment thingers.
injruy's on my shoulder.
Keeping that up b/c it's not just pain it's impeding.
But like.
I want to cut.
I want to see it.
i want to feel it.
i want to see the blood on my blade.
i want my private fuckin ritual again. i miss cutting almost.
(11:11)
Im so fuckin stressed. i need to find a new job - im gonna loose my current one in october.
i need to get my collage essays underway.
i need to do my fuckin homework (easy solution i know)
i neeeeeeeeeddd to do well this year. i'm taking a heavy courseload as a senior and i cant fuck it up.
need to stay at home. need to keep them fooled.
need to make them still pretend to love me.
SO damn fuckin good at faking it.
No one's ever pulled me aside and - no, one teacher did. And i have him again this year.
fuck.
I need to get good at hiding it.
better.whatever. I'm already good.
I know how to make my cuts look like accidents or stretchmarks - god knows i have plenty on my legs. Can i cut my chest? It's gonna go anyway(ftm), why should I keep it in good condition anyway? It's already a mess just from existing.
I need to see if angeeeeee is in townnnn.... :rolleyes:
Its like.
How? How am I doing this still? How am i still alive?
I'm not planning suicide im just like. WTF.
Almost like im making it too far too easily for circumstances, and I should expect something terrible to happen.
I fight.
i always have.
emotional mental battles against odds and blocks.
Im tired of fighting.
I want to fuckin win already. Its selfish i know i don't give a fuck (Yes its late IDONTCARE) want out.
</3 I want out of this lie of a life i awnt to spread my fucking wings i want to fly away i want to get ou t of this town this state this COUNTRY even.
Away from everything thats held me back to whtshelped to whats saved. ya knwo? none of thats around here. my friends around here are aquantinces they know barely surface.
no one knwos me.
and they won't.
i don't even know me anymore.
Im scared.
i want my safety blanket black.
i want that relieaf.
nothing adult.
nothing childish.
just that.
WHy's that so wrong?
I'm so rambling.
this may end up deleed or redireceted to diary/rant thread soooooo yeah.
if you read past the "im so tired I sound drunk" meh. if ya got anthin constructive id be glad to hear it n the morning when im actualy awkae and shit.
[I'm so good at faking it, I'd been holding a conversation over skype and able to not let on wtf state I'm in. I can force myself to stay all fancypance shit. I Just chose not to for rant so i could get al the mind-vomit out. purge if you will.]