I thought I was getting better. I thought I was trying.

[Magenta]

Apparently not. Telling myself I'll eat a little doesn't help if I don't actually do it, I guess. I've been lying, making excuses. I tell people I eat when I really don't. On occasion, I'll binge and a binge for me is 1000 calories. Normal for me is 500 or less.

When this whole thing started, I was losing weight from gym, running it off. I figured I'd lose a bit more. I didn't eat as much because I was depressed. I thought I was fine with a little less food. I dropped to 115lbs easily.

While I was in the hospital, I gained back to 135lbs and kept it on until maybe mid- to the end of June... I'm now at 120lbs in just over a month. No exercise... barely eating... I tried to stop calorie counting even if I still had a rough idea. I tried to eat more than one meal a day or snack throughout the day. I stopped looking at the scale 6 or more times a day.

I don't know what I want now. When I looked at the scale and saw I gained, I'd shrug it off. I could lose it again or maybe gaining was telling me something. But then there's days like today where I've lost again. I just want to lose more. I know I'm skinny. I know I'm not fat. I may have been... "broadly built" before but I know I was never fat. Losing the weight just felt good.

It still does. Part of me wants to get better... but only for other people. Only so that other people don't see me like this. I guess that's not enough. My mum and dad both bug me to eat, ask if they should be concerned but I lie. I say I'm fine and just not hungry. Such a lie most of the time.

In reality, I want to lose more. No reason why. I think I'd look better. I want to lose some of the fat in my cheeks I've always had. A bit in my thighs... not huge wishes but I just want to. I hate the pain I'm in, the headaches, the not being able to walk around without feeling lightheaded. Not eating really affects me... but part of me keeps telling me that I'm suffering for a greater good. Or that I'm just meant to suffer in whatever way the universe can throw at me.

Those who know me know my depression and self-harm addiction and eating disorder have led me to believe I'm condemned to misery. I do believe that... I can't be convinced otherwise.

So much has gone on... gah. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Mostly to sort out my own head. Figure out why I'm doing this. Figure out the indecision. Why I can't eat... the guilt I feel if I do... the wanting food but not wanting the weight... practically feeling the weight. In a way, there's almost the same rush self-harm gives me when I realize how bony my wrist is... that my hips stick out when I lie down... that I'm beginning to look very thin...

Don't mind me. I'm just rambling on. Well, I think that's it but I'll prolly think of something else later.

I guess this is a vain attempt at self-harm. Seems messed up, right? I want to look better and still hurt. It's so confusing. It's so tiring. It's too much to have food, my appearance, my weight, my depression, my harming all on my mind. It's too much to be concerned with what people think of how I look... the social anxiety...

Hmm.

EDIT: What's worse? I realized I'm only writing this to distract myself from eating. Yet it's about food. Oh, the irony...

There's just too much going on in my head when I have to eat. When people expect me to eat, it's a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, debate... it's too much. Not eating makes it go away. I'm in pain but the pain distracts me enough. Not eating solves any problems the mess in my head causes. Gah. This is so stupid. I can't even remember a time before this... and it only started this year. I'm so messed up now. I don't know what's happened to me.

[RoseyCadaver]

Jo,from all your pics,your weight looks fine.What do you think that makes you feel the need not to eat?Life is so boring with out eating anyways.

[Magenta]

It's what goes on in my head. I don't know why. The number on the scale needs to be lower. My BMI needs to be lower. It has to be an even number... always lower. There's no real reason why. I want to look a certain way, I'm not there yet.

I know this isn't right but I can't stop anymore. It's too hard, too tiring to tackle everything in my head when I eat. I don't want there to be a mess there. I want calm. I want control. It's like my self-harming. I can't stop and I won't. I know I should but I'm not... gah.

[RoseyCadaver]

Has your therapist said anything on it?

[Magenta]

Well, I stopped going to therapy. I haven't told my psychiatrist. Too scared to tell him. Gah, I can barely explain this a second time... but most of this is from my fear. My fear of everything. Worry I'll be hospitalized again, worry I'll get worse, worry I'll get better, worry I'll relapse, worry I'll never be okay, worry I'll gain weight... worry about random shite that's unrelated. I'm scared of everything. I want control of SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I've done this since I was a kid... scared myself about everything. I'd get scared... my anxiety... and I can't relax. I rarely get a peaceful moment in my own head...

I don't even know how that's related to my ED but it is. I'm like a human body filled with fear and issues and general mess, not a person. I need one thing. Just one. Maybe looking the way I want will be that thing. The one thing in my control.

But then I worry I'll keep trying to lose weight and I'm so confused.

[bambino]

hi nathuagyn

I know not eating can seem easier, you dont have to think about calories, feel guilty, worry about weight, or try and avoid people watching you eat. But the stomach aches, the headaches, dizziness, tiredness- they're just not worth it. Drs think i might have anemia from my poor diet today, had to have blood test- ugh.
In the long run,its easier to make yourself eat. Like faithandtrusts nutrionist said: Don't think- just eat. Chew and swallow without trying to calculate or second guess your metabolism. Eventually it will become easier. Sometimes I think its better to watch tv at the same time or be on the computer, because you keep eating whilst youre distracted and before you know it- the foods gone!

I know its hard to figure out why you feel you have to lose weight, but I always think of an ED like...OCD. which I had as a child. Its obsessive and ritualistic and...irrational. "If i do this, everyone will like me" "if i dont do this bad things will happen". So..I think of an ED as a sort of tic, when I was younger my OCD meant i couldnt do this, couldnt do that, same number of steps, everything in a line. An ED means you have to eat food this way, exercise this much, don't eat over this number blah blah. In the end you have to override it with sheer will power. And it will take time. But it's worth persevering with.

maybe preparing 1 indulgent meal a day, thinking I'll have roast potato and chicken with gravy orrr...pancakes and maple syrup. haha im making myself hungry writing this actually. To try and help you enjoy food again instead of seeing it as a chore.
Also even if youre having a bad patch, remember you will get through it and things will improve. I'd been trying to gain weight recently but of course, i got sick, started losing weight practically gave up on the idea i just thought ..its easier just to go back to not eating. But now im trying again, and I know my wellbeing is worth the persistence.
Oh, and one more thing- for a distraction i find school work [if you dont have any, then ask the teacher for some extra reading and theyll oblige] really helps, something to get your teeth into and feel like youre spending time constructively. Because if i do nothing, i beat myself up and i think im lazy and im disgusted with myself and then i begin punishing myself..and the cycle continues. I also play guitar, write or draw to keep busy. I'm sure youve had these suggestions before, but just incase.

take care
Amberrr