I want to give up, just for now.

[Syvelocin]

I've been having thoughts.

Thoughts of just saying "fuck it." I want that control back. I want to eat what I want to. Or rather, as much as I want to. Which is less than this.

I weighed myself again. First time in a while. And I was down two pounds again. Two pounds of the five pounds that I've managed to keep on.

It's hard right now. For some reason, I just don't feel like right now is the easiest time to go through with this. I feel like it'll be so much easier to have the ability to eat normally when my head is so much clearer, quieter, than it is right now. A couple years maybe. But if I do give up now, I could be lighter when that comes, giving me more to do.

I bought new clothes today. I don't want to go back to the other clothes. I gave away my smaller jeans finally. I thought I might need them, so I kept them. But I got rid of them a couple days ago. I don't want to have to get smaller jeans again. But I want to at the same time.

I'm seriously happy to be how I am. I think it's the feelings other people have towards me that have me really second-guessing giving up. My parents, my friends, my girlfriend. My aunt whom I'm visiting next week. I bought the clothes just for that trip. And I want to look good in them. So she is proud of my progress. But it's hard right now. And so I'm torn. And I know that anyone who replies will probably tell me to trudge on. I don't know if I can. But I don't know if I could really go back to what I used to be. And so I feel lost now.

[1_21Guns]

You have control right now Rith, this is control. You've come so far, please don't give up now :hug3:

[Amaryllis]

Anorexia isn't control. It's losing control. When I was really bad, they had to force-feed me and put me on a drip. It controlled my life. I didn't go out because I didn't want to eat. I couldn't do sports, concentrate, talk, read without my eyes hurting, live without hurting physically and mentally or live, live. I was alive on a thin piece of string.

Life is so much better now. I'm still recovering so it's not great but it's better. And people started talking to me again, my grades are picking up, I'm getting As again, I'm starting to care about things other than food. It's so much better.

You're running up an escalator while it's running down, you gotta keep going till you reach the top. And don't ever step back down. Because there's nothing for you here. Underneath is where all the corpses lay, here, you'll be more miserable than ever. You've come so far, don't let it all go. You've helped so many people, so many of us look up to you. No one can bring you down without your consent. If someone tries to drag you down, kick 'em off. You know what to do, you know what you should.

Anorexia doesn't make life better. Only worse. You don't have to be skinny and beautiful to be loved because in the end, it's what's inside that counts. People love the beautiful girl within, not the pretty face they see. At least, people who deserve you do. Those who only love you for your appearance, well, it will never last.

People grow old. What then? Do you want to starve forever? You have a choice, death or recovery. And you have too much to lose to pick death. You don't fail till you quit trying. So don't quit trying. Fight it. Beat it. Beat the lies people put in your head. Your voice is the strongest. Not Ana's. Not your friends. Not your aunt. Not your jeans. Not your scale. Don't you want to be free?

Keep trying. Hold on.

Love,
Faith And Trust

[Syvelocin]

Thanks you two, I feel a bit better. I didn't end up giving up, but I've been staggering since, though I don't have the same urge to give up any more.

Don't you want to be free?

The phrase my psychologist uses to describe me, is that I'm "flirting with mental illness." She knows that I feel content being just that, a mental patient. That's probably why I'm so addicted to hospitalization, but at the same time, I loathe it like nothing else. But for some reason I try to be as screwed up as possible, not a conscious decision though. I've been completely off medication for over a year, it doesn't help anything to be off my meds but I'm not going back on them. I don't want to rid myself of my illnesses. It isn't scary, but just unthinkable, to be normal in the future. With controlled mood and anxiety, eating normally, not self-harming. I think that I desire recovery, but I don't seek it. It just looks like something on my list of things to do before I die that I'll get around to eventually. Of course, yes, I could die of this. Considering my situation, however, I think it won't be what gets me first. Which is a huge part of my ignorance, both towards my anorexia and my smoking habit.

My power to analyse myself impersonally is scaring me. Maybe I should have stuck with the psychology major. :P

[Amaryllis]

To be honest, I'm scared of "getting over" this eating disorder too. I don't know what I'll be. What else can I do other than eat or starve? And a life without self-harm? How are people gonna realize I'm hurting? How will my pain show? And then there's my bipolar disorder and borderline personality. And my OCD, it makes me feel in control. What will I be if not a "nut"? I'll just be nothing. Another grain of sand on a beach. Sometimes I feel like this is all I am. I'm just waiting. Waiting to "get over" my eating problems, waiting for someone to fix everything.

But the truth is, if you don't do your homework, it'll never get done. If you don't clean your room, it'll forever be messy. Sure, someone else can do your homework and clean your room but if you don't change, you're just gonna end up with a messy room and undone homework again. Money doesn't grow on trees. Mental illnesses don't just go away. It's a struggle up an escalator that's running down. You'll stumble but this escalator is so high, you'll never fall right to the bottom(unless you die. But the bottom's a pit of hell and darkness and loneliness and doom). Yes, it means you have a long way to go but the higher up you are, the more beautiful the world is. The closer you are to a world full of hope, love, happiness and beauty.

You can keep on loosing weight, you can stay static but why? You're not going to love yourself any more or less no matter what weight you are. Nobody else is gonna love you more for being a mental patient. Really, the smoking, starving, mental illnesses, they're all layers of an artichoke, you gotta peel back the tough layers to find the sweet heart inside. Like I always say(don't take it personally ;))

No one really cares if you're miserable. So you might as well be happy.

Love,
Faith and Trust

Sorry for the long post. Take care and well done. You're doing better than you think <3