Another psych and he's a man

[Amaryllis]

Sorry. This is gonna be long.

I've been to therapists, psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists and even hypnotherapists. I've taken more medication than I can count. I've been diagnosed with more mental illnesses than any "normal" 14-15 year old should have.

First it was depression, then self-mutilation, then bipolar disorder, then anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating disorder, then obsessive compulsive and now I have a borderline personality. I do agree with the diagnosis(es?) but that doesn't mean I think the professionals can help.

I have a "violent, destructive personality". My mom's miserable and angry and frustrated because she can't help me, because she found out I cut and burn and I bash my head on walls. Okay. I get it. I know she cares. But she's wasting her money. She keeps trying to get me to go to one professional after another. But I keep telling her she's wasting her money, time and effort. I can't be helped. I'm screwed and that's final. Okay, I'm definitely not talking like me but I feel like I'm just gonna be a wreck for the rest of my life.

I don't trust anyone. People are cruel, mean and evil. They'll rip your heart out and eat it for dinner. I'm unloveable anyway so who gives a beep.

Last friday, she took me to a MALE pyschiatrist/psychologist and I refused to see him. She's tried every female mental professional in the country and now she's turning to men. I told her since I was 11 that I refused to go to a male. I don't trust men. I don't like men. I don't want to see men. I don't want to talk to men. I don't want to hear men. No offense to you guys. I mean, I act like I'm okay with men and I usually am. I don't HATE them. I just don't wanna dish out all my feelings and memories and actions to them.

So anyway, when I did go to this male psych, he kept friggin smiling. He was smiling and acting so.. So... Like I was just another psycho kid he saw everyday. I know I'm judging but I hated it. Then my mother told him about my cutting! SHE TOLD HIM. She had no friggin right to tell him(okay maybe she did) but I have never told a single psychiatrist/therapist/whatever about the self-harm and I never intend/ed to.

The male psych was like "If you cut yourself sometimes, I'll keep it confidential". If you cut yourself sometimes?!?! What is that?? What is "sometimes"?

Anyway, I told my mom I refused to ever see him ever again. But she wants to find me another person. And she's threatening to make me live with my sperm donator if I don't. I don't want to live with him and his wife that I'm supposed to call "Big Mommy". He's a slut and a pedophile and I know this isn't like me but I'm angry. This is probably the real me. Destructive and violent.

And my mother's worried about me screaming and crying and saying I want to kill people(especially my sperm donator). [/B][/B]
I don't care. They didn't give a damn about me until I dropped to 50 pounds and was on a drip and being force fed. My mother threw me out of the car when I begged for a psychologist when I was 11. Too little. Too late.

I can't do this anymore. I want to die. I can't. I'm not FaithAndTrust, I'm HateAndAnger.

Sorry for the length.

[judahtics]

i'm sorry about what you're going through. personality disorders are tough. please feel free to add me and message me or whatever if you need a friend to listen. i understand, maybe not completely, but i understand what it's like to be in a tough mental state.

[anonymous53]

I can see you on the guy thing, I absolutely can't trust guys. I've never been able to, we're not exactly the most trustworthy, then again no one is. Don't give up hope though Faith. Yeah, I've gotten that line from therapists too, surprisingly, she did keep it confidential when I told her when I did. Just keep looking, you'll find the right one and you'll get better *hug*

[Amaryllis]

@judahtics
Thank you. Appreciate it. I've sort of semi-calmed down now. Really appreciate the support.

@sXe
Wow first time I've heard a guy not trusting guys. Are you gay? And no, I didn't mean that in an offensive way. The majority of my friends are gay haha. But yeah, thanks. I'm trying really hard to keep believing things will get better but sometimes it just feels like it never will.

[judahtics]

if you weren't having success with female counselors, maybe a male will be a good try. give some time and maybe it'll work?

[Amaryllis]

I don't want a male counselor. I don't want to tell any male creature anything. I just don't feel comfortable around them. I think if I stay in a room for like 2 seconds with a man, he's going to rape me or something. I know I'm being irrational, who would wanna rape me anyway? And not all men are evil but I just can't. I don't trust men. I don't like them.

No offense guys. I like you. I just pretend you're gay or female... Sorry.

[judahtics]

maybe ask if someone can go with you? like a close friend? when i first started talking about when i molested, a friend went to my therapy sessions with me to help me through it.

[AppealToReason]

To be very honest, I don't trust older men either.
Guys my age, fine. Older guys, nope.
You shouldn't have to feel the way you do and I'm sorry no one helped you when you were younger. I really do hope everything works out for you, faith.

[Amaryllis]

@judah
I want to give you one big hug for getting through it and being alive. Thanks for sharing that. No one knows about the depression or self-harm or eating disorders and I have no intention of letting them know. I don't want them to start treating and thinking of me funny...

@Michael
Thanks for telling me that. I don't think anyone my age is gonna do anything other than be nasty(I'm not sexual material anyway. Way too unpretty for that) but I just don't trust older men. Okay, honestly, I don't trust ANYONE with something extra between their legs unless I know they're gay. I know, I know, that's stereotypical but yeah... I just can't talk to them. They're just so mean... Not all. of course. I mean I've met people online that are just real nice but I think they'd be really mean if they so me in reality. I'm ranting. Sorry. Anyway, thank you :)

Once again, no offense to the guys here.

[AppealToReason]

The fact that you have replied to all three guys that posted here is great. You may not trust us, but at least you are kind to us, lol.
No offence taken though because I really do understand trust issues. Also, it's fine to rant, especially on here where you know no one will judge you since many of us go through the same things. So, if you must, rant away!

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
Aww thanks. T_T I think I might actually kinda like you haha. I mean, I don't HATE men. In fact, I find it kinda hilarious how all the people who replied were guys lol. It's just, I don't want to see another psychologist. I just feel like it's hopeless. None of them have been able to help me anyway. And I don't want to take my medication. It's like admitting there's something wrong with me. I know that's stupid but yeah...

I'm gonna add "guys who understand" onto my list of men that I don't hate haha. It's just after my sperm-donator, I think of all men as ignorant and arrogant. Which they're not sooo.... Thanks for reminding me not all men are cruel.

[AppealToReason]

Haha, glad to know I'm sort of liked.
But, again, I understand where you're coming from and it's not stupid at all. Admitting there is something wrong with you is never easy and you should not be forced to admit anything since that will have a negative effect on you. Please know that it's not hopeless. You'll find a good pschy. when YOU are ready, not when others force you to. Just don't give up, things can and will get better.
To be fair, the majority of men do seem to be stupid and arrogant, lol.
Of course, there are always exceptions...
Edit: You know, I saw a few of your poems in The Open Book and they're quite beautiful. In complete honesty, you're very talented.

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
I just feel so bad. I don't want to waste my mother's money. It's a couple hundred for one friggin session and it doesn't help. I'm a waste of money and time and effort. Bleh. Gotta stop talking like that. I'm not even sure if I WANT to stop cutting. I could just wear long skirts and jeans for the rest of my life lol. I do want to get over my eating disorder though. And it'd be great if I'd stop feeling like crap all the time. And if I got nightmares every other day, I'd appreciate that too.

But I don't want to waste money. I could be donating it to kids in the orphanage or africa or something. They deserve the money more than I do. I'm gonna marry a billionaire so I can volunteer for the rest of my life xD But then again, marrying a billionaire would mean he'd have to look at my face all day so maybe not.

[AppealToReason]

@Michael
I just feel so bad. I don't want to waste my mother's money. It's a couple hundred for one friggin session and it doesn't help. I'm a waste of money and time and effort. Bleh. Gotta stop talking like that. I'm not even sure if I WANT to stop cutting. I could just wear long skirts and jeans for the rest of my life lol. I do want to get over my eating disorder though. And it'd be great if I'd stop feeling like crap all the time. And if I got nightmares every other day, I'd appreciate that too.

But I don't want to waste money. I could be donating it to kids in the orphanage or africa or something. They deserve the money more than I do. I'm gonna marry a billionaire so I can volunteer for the rest of my life xD But then again, marrying a billionaire would mean he'd have to look at my face all day so maybe not.

Ahh, faith (or Z). It sucks to read how negatively you think of yourself. You're not a waste of time and effort, you're not a waste of money, and you will find someone right for you one day. You're a good person, I can tell from your posts, and you deserve to have good things happen to you. Try to deal with your problems one at a time. You admit to wanting to get over your ED, which is great. Again, I really hope you can find a good psych. who can help you overcome your ED (which are a pain, I know) and eventually other problems. I really do believe you'll get better one day. It won't be easy, you'll have good days and bad days, but I believe you can do it.

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
I don't think anyone's ever gonna like me. I'm not pretty enough and I'm really selfish. Bleh. Gotta stop talking like that. Which posts? My posts on this thread make me sound like a whining 2 year old xD I know... Faith and trust. But I wish i could skip 60 years of my life and just die. Why isn't there a friggin fast forward button? Or a rewind. Yeah, a rewind button would be good. God, now I'm starting to wish for the impossible. Thanks so much for replying all my replies.

[AppealToReason]

Oh, it's no problem. Just hated seeing you so upset.
Though, I can't reply to your pm yet since I don't have 100 posts, lol.

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
Ooohhh right :) Well, add me on Skype if you want. So should I see a psych? Cause I think it's a total waste of money. It's not like anyone can help me anyway.

[AppealToReason]

Tbh, if you truly do want to overcome your ED (or any other problems) then you'll most definitely want to see a psych. for help. You can be helped if you're willing to open up and really listen to what they say. Please know that since we've talked, I'm rooting for you to get better and will always listen if you need someone to talk too.

[Amaryllis]

But I do. I did go to a lot of people. I took my medication. But it's not helping.

[AppealToReason]

I've never dealt with a psych. or had to take (legal) meds yet so I really can't offer too much advice there. I'm sorry, I wish I could help or give you the answers you want, but alas (I love that word, lol) I don't know why the meds or pysch. aren't helping you. It might be because you haven't found the right one or aren't comfortable around one yet, but I can't be sure.

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. I know I'm not supposed to give up but I just don't want to waste my mother's money on something that doesn't work.

[AppealToReason]

Yea, I understand that.
Maybe she is like my grandmother. When she first took me to live with her, she bought me all kinds of gifts, games, and clothes even though I told her I didn't need them. It frustrated me, but she later told me it helped her feel better about not letting me live with her sooner. It's a weird way of saying sorry, not sure if that's what your mom is doing or not.
Just noticed the time and realized I was supposed to go to the doctor, little late now, lol.
Feel free to add me or send a vistors message (until I reach 100 posts) if you ever feel upset and need to vent. Promise I won't judge.
Again, rooting for you to get better!

[Amaryllis]

@Michael
Yeah... I know... She feels really bad so she's trying to make up for it by making me see a psych. But I feel like a hopeless case. Could you add me? Lol, I still have no idea how to add friends haha

[AppealToReason]

Lol, took me forever how to figure that out too.
All you have to do is click "add ... to contacts"
But now, I really am late. Hope you start feeling better soon!

[bambino]

hey beautiful girl

Reading this thread was upsetting but it also showed you have the same self destructive voice we all have. Put down after put dowen and none of them true!! It must be hard to keep arguing with it all the time and remaining positive. But you are beautiful. Inside and out. Looking at it rationally, through childhood trauma..maybe your parents/peers lowering your feeling of self worth and consquently damaging your self image is what causes you to feel like 'less than'. But the reality is you're a pretty, [I]fiercely intelligent girl. Really, so much more mature than I was at your age. With your whole life ahead of you,a big generous heart and a wonderful ability to empathise. Just so much going for you its unbelievable!
any billionaire would be lucky to have your company! haha


And i'm sorry for mentioning my male friend now youve said about not trusting boys. Also my rant about the lecherous guys at that party probably didn't help. I don't blame you; some men are very bad people who have no respect for women. But some of them, are worth a chance. I hope you find one worthy of you one day.
I know you said yourself its an irrational fear that men are going to rape you, and it really is irrational hun. If there are guys who give you a bad vibe, stay away from them. I have been groped against my will more than a few times and taken advantage of, and for that reason I surround myself only with guys I really feel safe around. And I no longer drink around guys I don't trust.
But I hope you find one worth putting your trust in one day. They think in a whole other way to us, as im sure you know, and i think its fascinating sometimes. If ..extremely difficult to understand. Maybe thats why you feel it will be difficult to be on the same level as them and open up.

But on the flip side, if female pyschs haven't worked. A male way of thinking [that is to say an alternative perspective] might actually help you. It's a new approach.
Worth a try?

love
Amber

[Amaryllis]

Thanks so much. That really made me smile :) I'm so happy you think so highly of me. Sometimes I just feel less than okay. I mean on the computer, I'm good. But I can't walk around in reality and look at pretty people and feel bad for eating. Then I start wishing for my old body back. I might have looked skeletal but at least I was in control and the skinniest of them all. No one could make fun of my weight then. Now I walk around feeling huge. Like everyone's whispering about me behind my back.

Your thread didn't affect me in any negative way. It just showed me that people can bring you down but that doesn't mean you have to let them. No one can bring you down without your consent.

But it's so hard when the hate and bad words come from your parents and yourself.

[morbidmonkey]

man, i call my "father" my sperm doner too...i never really want to a psych...maybe once when i was like 8 but i dont know what advice to give you. u really just need to find the will power to..not do that anymore. that was probably useless advice but u know...whatever

[Amaryllis]

I'll try. I've just been having some low days and it's wrecking havoc with my faith. We were rock climbing today and I was so scared to let go and come down because I didn't trust my partner. I have really bad trust issues. Maybe you should try going to psych. They don't seem to help me but they could help you. I guess maybe they're just not for everyone.