Dammit, messed up again.

[AppealToReason]

I really hate to make threads and whine about how I'm feeling because I don't believe anyone should have to deal with my crap, so I apologize in advance for that.
This year I promised myself I would show up to band because I really am tired of disappointing people. I did for the first week, but started to feel unmotivated and paranoid, so I stopped going. Of course, this led to the typical "you're just lazy" responses and a few "friends" calling me worthless, saying they're tired of dealing with me, ect, which just made me feel even more upset. I wish they could understand that I really try to go, and their comments make the situation worse. I don't try to be lazy or make excuses on purpose, it just happens.

Anyways, since I stopped going, I've completely fallen apart. I hadn't cut or smoked in a few months, but it's all starting again. I was doing well, not entirely happy and still felt crazy, but I hid it well and was drug-free, but that's gone again. I even started taking pain killers again, which I've been struggling to stop doing for the past year. No one, not even my family, knows about these problems as I am still unsure of how to tell them.

I don't know, I'm just tired of no one understanding, the snide comments, the judging, the paranoid thoughts, the constant relapses, the delusions, the drama, the worthless thoughts, the pain, the sickness, the eating problems, the depression. Hell, I'm tired of fighting, period. I just want to give up already. There seems to be no point in fighting since I keep fucking up and going back to my old ways. I wish someone would notice since it is clear that I'm not comfortable telling anyone yet, but I fear that would bring up the whole "you just want attention" crap.

Again, sorry for the complaining. Guess the pills made me a bit moody/depressed and I just wanted to get that off my chest.

[judahtics]

wow great friends

[AppealToReason]

Unfortunately, some of us aren't too lucky when it comes to having supportive people in their lives.

[AppealToReason]

Never seem to get much attention on these threads.
Must be my crappy grammar/punctuation, lol.
Oh well, feeling better today anyways. Took some pills earlier, but felt nothing. Sucks when you get to a point where you don't feel anything. Thinking about going to band tomorrow...I know I'm way behind and everyone will be pissed at me for lying again, but I'm tired of doing nothing...
Meh, we'll see.

[DoctorNewbie]

Nobody wants to deal with your whining here? What would the point of The Psychiatric Ward? :)

But, anyways, I'd bring it up whenever the subject arises with them. Then they feel like it was their idea to bring up the subject.

[AppealToReason]

Lmao, that's just my personality. Hate to talk about how things are going for because I hate how I come off, but i'd gladly help someone else. Strange, but it's me.

I've thought about the whole "Let them bring it about" but their reaction to it still terrifies. I can't be seen as weak to others, I really can't.
I guess I'll do it one day when I'm a bit more confident, or when something goes really bad and I'm forced to tell them. But, I think I'm alright for now.
Thanks, though.

[Rising Star]

Wow! lol Uuumm..Friends can be backstabbing at times :(

[AppealToReason]

Sure can.
Side note, I hate when I can't sleep. The more I'm awake, the harder it is to fight the drug urges.
Taken...4 pills so far and feel nothing. I know 8 is where it gets dangerous, so meh.

[DJZS]

I understand everything that your saying. Listen, all my contact info is on my proflie, contact me if you want some help, ok?

[AltoVaughn]

In my opinion it all comes down to feeling like you're worthless as you said. You're not worthless by the way, but I understand what it's like to feel that way. I think it would be best to try and be your own motivation, even if that requires a "Fuck that world, I'll do what's good for me!" Point of view. Don't give up, work to make your life worthwhile. Do what makes YOU feel better about yourself.

As for the cutting and smoking and drug use, I can't really help with that. I really hope that you can get professional help, or in the very least a friend to come forward and help you.

Hope I did something helpful atleast.
You are not worthless
<3 Much love, and good luck.

[AppealToReason]

Ah, I think the whole "fuck the world" thing goes hand in hand with the drugs.
Thanks for the kind words, though.

[Amaryllis]

First things first, sorry for replying late. Just saw your thread. Second, you're not "whining". No one can keep it all bottled up inside. It'll just kill you inside out. We -want- you to tell us your problems. Well, I do. We all have reasons to feel the way we do. No one will or even has the right to judge you on here. If we're all screwed up, we're normal and everyone else is just plain strange.

It's true, some people will just never understand and they'll think you're out for attention but there will be the few that will understand.You stumbled. We all do. It doesn't mean you've fallen all the way down the escalator. The escalator's running down and you're running up, just keep on running, keep on trying. Shake off the demons that cling onto you.

You're amazing and kind and empathetic. You don't deserve to feel this way. Things are gonna get better. Baby steps. One at a time. How much do you smoke now? Cut it down. Gradually. Down to 1 max per day. Then 0. Slowly. Resist cutting. When you feel the urge, talk to us. Just rant. Let it out. scream. cry. You don't have to suffer alone.

We're here for you. And you are there for you.

Love,
Faith And Trust

[Twistember]

It's always good to vent.

I've been in a similar situation so here's my advice to you:

-Drop these "friends". If they really were your friends, they'd be able to tell that you're going through a tough time. And instead of calling you those things, they'd help you.

-About the cutting, smoking, and pain killers. Just try to stop. It's near impossible, I know. I have experience. But it doesn't have to be impossible. Just try. Try by yourself first. If you can't do it by yourself, it's ok to ask for help.

-About not wanting to fight. Don't give up. I almost gave up. I had my letter to my family written and ready, and the blade on my wrist. But then one of my close friends sent me a text that said, "Goodnight, I love you :)" There are always people that will be on your side. Never give up.

Again, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Stay strong, never surrender, and good luck.

[ADC12]

You're amazing and kind and empathetic. You don't deserve to feel this way. Things are gonna get better. Baby steps. One at a time. How much do you smoke now? Cut it down. Gradually. Down to 1 max per day. Then 0. Slowly. Resist cutting. When you feel the urge, talk to us. Just rant. Let it out. scream. cry. You don't have to suffer alone.

what she said :) lol

i would think find something to distract you from all the crap..
u sed something about going to band.. is it a skl band? or ur own band? or something? lol if you didnt want to go in the first place you dont need to go! dont let them push you saying ' your worthless ' cos ur probably not! Find something YOU want to do.. and you can sort of use this to distract you from drugs and crap

when i started high school, i didnt have friends for the first term.. i wasnt open.. but then i started to play music and join the school band (ironic, i know) and through this i had friends who i could rely on and then from them i met a new set of friends and so on...

as someone has said before take small steps and youll get there
hope this helped aha :D

[AppealToReason]

Didn't even remember I made this thread, lol.
Thanks everyone. Really helpful, but I don't know how I'll be able to stop any time soon.
School is starting...going to be even more stressed...I can't stop now...

On a different note, I'm soooo tired of my grandmother saying "You're so chulo". I know she thinks she's making me feel better by giving me a compliment, but it annoys the hell out of me.