Almost...

[bambino]

[SORRY FOR LONG POST] almost cut last night.
I've been sick and keep vomiting lately so I haven't been eating which automatically makes my mood dip. Then I went out for first time in ages to my friends 18th! Which is like a big deal, because i usually cancel outings because i feel too ugly.

Then a couple hours in my friend *Max who I used to date, his younger brother started groping me which was really horrible and I told him no, then my friend told him to leave me alone but he carried on trying to drunkely chat me up. Then another guy tried to make a move so I got away from him. Then him and another guy messaged me this morning still hitting on me. I deleted my facebook..which I normally do when I feel overhwhelmed.

I hope no-one thinks I'm saying this like 'oh no people find me attractive how terrible' It's just I have BDD and I really hate how i look with a passion. Youd think the attention would cheer me up but it just makes me feel like a slag. Does that make sense? I didn't even do anything but it makes me feel like I just look like I'm easy or something? Like a bit of fun, and it makes me feel sick thinking guys just want to use me and I'm nothing more than that. I dunno. Or they thought oh the ugly girl will be easy to flatter lets try her. Use her for some fun at a party. Ugh, it makes me feel disgusting. I don't know.

Then yesterday I just felt really alone. You know where it all seems pointless? And you think, whats the point of trying to keep this up -I'm a failure. I was so sick of hating my reflection, and so sick of it stopping me living my life. So sick of having mood swings. Sick of hating everyone, but hating being alone even more.

So I sat in my room and cried. Then I went downstairs found an 'implement' ran it under boiling hot water to sterilize it, sat on my bed. Cried some more. Asked God to give me strength. Kept holding it and looking at my arms, and saying "[I]I'm so tired of being alone".

And then I put it down, got under my covers and said to myself" don't worry everything will be fine, tomorrow is another day, sleep now and we'll talk to someone about this soon" I don't know why I did that. And yes I know I sound insane. But I always think theres 2 halves of me, the strong cat and the weak cat.
and then I fell asleep for 12 hours.
I'm relieved I didn't SH, it was a close one. But I can't remember how long its been now since I cut..4 months maybe? 3 and a half, lost count.

I'm thinking of going back on my antidepressants because even though they make me nausceas as hell at least I'm apathetic. Well I just wanted to vent haha, hope all of you guys are staying strong. You're my rock[s], plural haha xx

[ImperfectMess]

Congratulations on managing to resist it! I don't know you but I'm proud of you.

I know how you feel about people chatting you up and not being flattered by it. I also have BDD. I can't stand looking at myself and turn my mirror around to face the wall. The only picture I like of myself that is on my profile here, is one that my friend (a professional photograher) took. My friend and even my mum often point out that guys are looking at me and I just think that they must be thinking OMG that chick is ugly and it makes me feel worse not better. So don't worry, you're not alone in feeling that way!

[bambino]

Thanks ImperfectMess
I'm so glad you know how it feels. Not a lot of people get it; they assume you'd be flattered. But it just makes you feel worse.

for the record you look beautiful on your profile pic [i know, it won't change your mind but ill say it anyway] you shouldn't shy away (: I'm sure your Mum is right despite how it feels

[xktx]

well done. Thats impressive, I had a night a bit like that... as in, having a blade in my hand and wanting to self harm so badly. I as well put the blade down. But, however, it was short lived, as im back into old habbits again :'( xx

[LiTTleBrok3nDolly]

Im so proud of you! for not cutting and for standing up to those guys, gross, but you made it! You are strong Amber! You may not feel like it at time, especially if your the weak cat, but you still have your strong cat side that will always be there for you! Im with ImperfectMess, when a guy looks at me i think they think im ugly and look at me like im a freak and not dressing with the new fashion, stupid insecurities.
Just keep on venting when your feeling low and well all be here for yah!

[Upintheair]

I know exactly how you feel about when guys try to grope you! It doesnt make me feel pretty or wanted, it makes me feel that Im not good enough to date, but Im good enough to mess around with! Im so happy that you didnt resort to SH though! Ive been getting away from it myself (6 months without) and I know how hard it can be to not go back to it, so im really happy for you! Stay Strong!

[dontcare97]

Wow, that's really strong. this shows you can get through anything, no matter what. I applaud you, keep it up! <3

[Love.Hate]

Your stronger than you give yourself credit for, im glad you didnt give in!

You should be really proud of yourself :) :hug:

[bambino]

@ktx
stay strong hun, I know it's hard but you can do it. You've done it before, its just a matter of one day at a time. I know this is a bit off topic but alcoholics use the mantra "i wont never drink again i just wont drink today". So I try and think "I won't never cut again, I just won't cut this time". It does sort of work. I think in some ways the 12 steps of AA are relevant for cutting because both are addictions. Even if you're not religious.

@brokendolly
thank you hun youre so lovely <3 I'll email you in a minute. Yes I just wish I could be strong cat all the time haha!

@upintheair
exactly, you phrased it a lot better. wow 6 months well done!! that's really amazing, i hope to get there. You stay strong too, dont break the record

@dontcare97
thank you (: its a struggle but its possible, you stay strong too <3

@Fraaaan
thank you hun! I hope you're staying strong. I'm trying to be proud I'm just a bit annoyed that let it get that far. But least I didnt SH (:

[Amaryllis]

I'm so proud of you, Amber! Really though, you're beautiful. I'd kill to look like you. Okay. No. Must not compare. We're both beautiful in our own way :) I'm really proud of you though! You've always inspired me. Well done. Keep up the amazing job. Things will get better.

Love,
Faith And Trust