sound familiar?

[JustJuss]

Hey guys..
So ive been diagnosed with depression for almost two yrs and have worked my way through a number of docs and meds. Over time ive changed in the way i feel and percieve things, and recently whatevers going on with me has kinda gotten into a desparate situation, so ive decided to sort this thing out once and for all.

So i go to my psychologist on monday and my psychiatrist on Thursday(who is really the one this all concerns). I have to somehow work up the courage to tell her about all the things that ive been experienceing.. but i wanna have a bit of an idea of what this could mean..

Does anyone here with bi polar experience any psychotic symptoms? Or does that put u in another illness straight away??

[Sapphire]

Yes, some people diagnosed with bipolar experience psychotic symptoms, others don't. What are you experiencing exactly?

[JustJuss]

well my depressive symptoms are not longer consistant. I have massive mood swings, sometimes five a day. Ill go from a regular me (in behaviour) only all pumped ready to tackle anything, i get alot done when im like this and am not easily fazed. Then apparently for no reason, i come crashing down into a childlike state. i roll around on the ground making stupid noises. Once i hit my sister in a shoping centre... shes 23. Like this i get very depressed and hard to motivate etc.

So all of this is what led me to suspect something other than depression, as if my illness has morphed or changed into something else.

Ive suffered horrible nightmares for a while.
I get VERY irritble, sometimes crave hurting ppl.
My concentration is out the window

So sometimes when i go to bed (note i am often not tired, and lie awake for sometime) i hear voices inside my head. i have passed them off as my own thoughts for a while, until recently when thse voices infact interupt and drown out my own thinking. There are lots of them like 15 or 20. some whisper and some shreik. Its usually hard to make out but sometimes i can hear one over the rest. They say really random stuff thats been kinda irrelivant so i wasnt overly worried.

Then one day i was walking y myself in the shopping centre and i heard one.. it said "oh justine looks sad" and then i bagan to answer it which scared me.

Others in broad daylight say "i dont want to live" and similar stuff...which is scary cos at these times when it has happened ive usually been feeling ok.
I think often that there something inside of me that is trying to get me to kill myself, and so it says thngs to me and tries to pass them off as my own thoughts.

other times ive heard ppl calling my name outside of my head. I would have sworn someone did except that when i answered and looked for a source no one was there.

Also sometime i see things like spiders on the wall, a dark figure or man out the corner of my eye Which all dissapear when i look directly at them.

I also sometimes see the light turn off and on again, which i was convinced actually happened, until it once did when i was with my family at the dinner table.. i commented on it and they all made it very clear that they saw nothing..

What is most worrying to me though is when im in these childlike depressive states. I am convinced that the world around me is fake, this is when i sometimes get violent. i went to smash a mirror in a shopping centre (didnt luckily) had an urge to kick my sister in the face and actually said to her "i could break ur nose right now" and also hurt myself convinced it dosnt matter cos the world is not real..

Is this consistant with bipolar?

im kinda freaked out cos i dont have much control over myself when im like this.. thoughts anyone?? :(

[Sapphire]

I think it sounds like schizo-affective disorder, basically a cross between bipolar and schizophrenia, or bipolar with severe psychotic symptoms.
Either way, I urge you to go and see a doctor. It is the only way you can be 100% sure and get the help you need.

[JustJuss]

I see my psychiatrist on thursday. Man i always get so scared to talk about this so most of this she dosnt even no about!! I always chicken out or say its not important.. is this stuff serious?? Will it just go away and i wont have to tell her??

Any advice on what to say/ how to say it??

[Sapphire]

I was diagnosed last November with bipolar disorder and no it doesn't go away. If you don't receive some sort of treatment then it will get worse. But there are people who can help and methods you can use to make it easier.

If you can't talk about it why don't you write down what you are experiencing and give it to her?

[JustJuss]

Wow thats a good idea... only trouble is i also get really paranoid that poeple hate me, Even/especially when its clear that they dont. I will be so scared that she might hate me upon reading it or think im an idiot..

Maybe this paranoia isnt normal either?

maybe its all part of it but at the same time makes it harder to get help!
im so screwd!!! arrrrgggghhh!!

Thoughts?

[JustJuss]

Thanx for your help guys. I wrote it down and gave it to my psychiatrist.
she dosnt hate me :) .. i dont think.
Its been a while now and i was hoping there might have been some sort i dont know... by now... maybe its a long process..?

Well she wants me to go on sleeping tablets as well to see if my symptoms subside with some good sleep, which i guess is reasonable.

The swings are getting worse and mum wanted to take me to the hospital... but i couldnt give a clear answer... owell i survived..

Im just worried about what happens next time... especially with no clear re-diagnosis comming too soon.

having a managable day today and thought id update.

Thanx again for ur advice guys.. it helped alot... glad i found this place :)

[Ironic Infidel In England]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about your psychiatrist, they're ormally there to help, although some (like mine) won't believe you when you tell them things. just keep working at it and do what she tells you and it should get better.

[Bi-Girl01]

well my depressive symptoms are not longer consistant. I have massive mood swings, sometimes five a day. Ill go from a regular me (in behaviour) only all pumped ready to tackle anything, i get alot done when im like this and am not easily fazed. Then apparently for no reason, i come crashing down into a childlike state. i roll around on the ground making stupid noises. Once i hit my sister in a shoping centre... shes 23. Like this i get very depressed and hard to motivate etc.

So all of this is what led me to suspect something other than depression, as if my illness has morphed or changed into something else.

Ive suffered horrible nightmares for a while.
I get VERY irritble, sometimes crave hurting ppl.
My concentration is out the window

So sometimes when i go to bed (note i am often not tired, and lie awake for sometime) i hear voices inside my head. i have passed them off as my own thoughts for a while, until recently when thse voices infact interupt and drown out my own thinking. There are lots of them like 15 or 20. some whisper and some shreik. Its usually hard to make out but sometimes i can hear one over the rest. They say really random stuff thats been kinda irrelivant so i wasnt overly worried.

Then one day i was walking y myself in the shopping centre and i heard one.. it said "oh justine looks sad" and then i bagan to answer it which scared me.

Others in broad daylight say "i dont want to live" and similar stuff...which is scary cos at these times when it has happened ive usually been feeling ok.
I think often that there something inside of me that is trying to get me to kill myself, and so it says thngs to me and tries to pass them off as my own thoughts.

other times ive heard ppl calling my name outside of my head. I would have sworn someone did except that when i answered and looked for a source no one was there.

Also sometime i see things like spiders on the wall, a dark figure or man out the corner of my eye Which all dissapear when i look directly at them.

I also sometimes see the light turn off and on again, which i was convinced actually happened, until it once did when i was with my family at the dinner table.. i commented on it and they all made it very clear that they saw nothing..

What is most worrying to me though is when im in these childlike depressive states. I am convinced that the world around me is fake, this is when i sometimes get violent. i went to smash a mirror in a shopping centre (didnt luckily) had an urge to kick my sister in the face and actually said to her "i could break ur nose right now" and also hurt myself convinced it dosnt matter cos the world is not real..

Is this consistant with bipolar?

im kinda freaked out cos i dont have much control over myself when im like this.. thoughts anyone?? :(

my GOD! this s-sounds so MUCH like me it is scary.

do u have msn? seriously i-i wanna tlak to u cos u have EXACTLY the same thing as me!
but the whole world not being real, i fear that i will jsut wake up n this will all jsut b a dream! n i fear that cos i have a best friend and a wonderful boyfriend of whom i will spend da rest of my life wif n everything!

[JustJuss]

my GOD! this s-sounds so MUCH like me it is scary.

do u have msn? seriously i-i wanna tlak to u cos u have EXACTLY the same thing as me!
but the whole world not being real, i fear that i will jsut wake up n this will all jsut b a dream! n i fear that cos i have a best friend and a wonderful boyfriend of whom i will spend da rest of my life wif n everything!

since my last post here, things have escalated for me. Hearing voices and thinking there's a demon inside of me are now my most present symptoms... as well as being depressed between the voices.

Do u hear voices too?

[Zephyr]

Yes, mine come around when I'm stressed out, left alone for long periods of time or if I'm having a blackout.

I've never thought that they were demons though.