What's changed?

[mcsmate]

I just had to write this all out. It was all in one chunk but I split it up so it is easier to read.

I had written on here last time about a potential eating disorder I may have. I still don't know what's up with it. At first I thought it could be an EDNOS. I hate purging and throwing up. But I don't know still. These days I have rid myself of all junk food and feel bad when I eat it. I also count calories regularly. I have a food journal showing what I have eaten with their calories and a total calorie count for the day, a list of times I can work out, a list of how many calories I have lost from working out and how many more I need to lose, and a list of goals in terms of calories. I currently have the goal to eat only 750-800 calories a day. I normally should be eating around 1300-1500 calories or so, maybe more. I used to be 117-118 lbs or so but after some emotional problems I was going through and a day of horrible eating habits, I stopped eating as much. I went down to 106 lbs apparently. Whenever I am at a store I want to see if they have scales so I can see what my weight has been. I used to be fine with my weight and say I can be between 115-120 lbs and that's it, just stay healthy about it. Now I want to be around 110 lbs or less. What gets to me is that I see my younger sister who used to be chubbier than me when I was stick thin and now she is smaller than me. My older sister is also smaller than me. I want to be smaller. Part of me feels I need to be. On the opposite side of this I have a friend who doesn't eat much but eats very healthily and is super thin for her size and though it is nice, she just looks like skin and bones, not normal. I just want to be smaller, a lot smaller, but not bone thin.

At first I was only hoping to eat 600 calories a day. Then I ate more than I should and felt I gained the weight back because you gain more weight back faster than you lose it. I hate that I might have gained some of it back and have not been to the store in a while to see if I have. Now I just try to eat my 750-800 calories a day. If I go over, as I have some days, I work it off in the gym the next day. Since the gym/rec facilities on my campus are only open on weekdays, I go every weekday. A few days ago I felt I ate too much and felt bad enough that my insomnia kicked in and I stayed up all night. I only got two hours of sleep. I got sleep the next night. And then last night I got sleep. Midday after eating some greasy food, I felt pretty bad about it, but then fell asleep. When I woke up I was not in the mood to work out or do much, but I forced myself to work out. When I work out my minimum for now is 200 calories. I have to lose that many or more. I always tell myself I weight more than I do so I have more to work off in order to be smaller later. I look in one mirror and see myself as looking small but look in another and see fat or flab.

What I hate most is this "pouch" on my stomach and how I feel my face is chubby. I hate that the most. And my dad asks me about the fat on my stomach all the time. I know I need to lose it. He always tells me I should be doing sit-ups or crunches. I used to shrug it off because I liked who I was and how I looked. Now I need to be smaller. This started from a depression where I had some emotional issues bottled up that raced through my head and got to me. I also had a bad binging day on horrible foods that made me feel gross. I felt less hungry after that. Now eating has become a chore. I am over the depression. But now I have to track what I eat. When I was depressed I would just forget about eating. Now I purposefully force myself not to. I only do it because I have to and my body needs it. Even thought I don't want it, or don't want to want it.

I have a great support system with my two closest friends (my other brothers) here but it is still hard. They do not know about this. What makes it worse is one of them doesn't eat much either. When he was in high school he got really sick and could not keep food down. No one knew what was wrong, even doctors. He eats somewhat these days. He gets hungry sometimes, which our other friend and I joke about him actually being hungry, which he is fine with, and he jokes about it too. He doesn't like that he is eating though because the sickness got him disgusted with food. He is not purposefully not eating to get smaller. He did not like that he even did get smaller. I could tell him I am not eating much but it wouldn't help if he's not eating.

I still have to brush my teeth after I eat. I do it more often now so I rid myself of the taste of food and I do not have to eat anymore, even when I "want" food. I still feel bad after eating junk food too. I hate it and have had to force myself to stop. I have had to make a conscious decision not to eat bad food. I want to be able to make healthy choices because I want to not because I have to. I don't know what's up. I know that my BMI is average. I am either 4' 11" or 5'. I am not sure which and it messes up my BMI a bit. I need to find out my actual height soon. And I am somewhere between 108 - 115 lbs. I do not know what it is but I bet it is on the higher side.

I don't know what's going on with me/this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I didn't have to eat, at least not as much. I want to be able to stop eating. But I can't. I want to figure this out. I was hoping I could get advice on here. Thanks.

Link to my previous post (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1357194).

[dontcare97]

All my friend are smaller than me. My mom, younger sister, and onlder brother are smaller than me too. I'm just super tall for my age so it soesn't seem that bad, but I know it is. It sucks looking in the mirror and seeing a blubber bulge or a fat pouch.

This is a plan that might help trick your mind into thinking you didn't eat too much. Don't eat three set meals but rather numerous small snack like meals throughout the day.When you spread it out like this, it seems like you're are eating less and you're full all day long. It might not make a differences physically, meaning your calorie intake will probably be the same but if you do it properly, mentally you will feel like you didn't eat much. Smaller plates make you mind feel better about eating,especially if you might have a disorder.

If you choice to do it like this, make a schedule for convent times to eat, maybe once an hour. Eat a good mixture of all the food groups, protein and fiber being the most important because they keep you fuller longer. Protein shakes can count as a meal before or after you work out and they are usually pretty good.

Hope my suggestion helps.

[mcsmate]

All my friend are smaller than me. My mom, younger sister, and onlder brother are smaller than me too. I'm just super tall for my age so it soesn't seem that bad, but I know it is. It sucks looking in the mirror and seeing a blubber bulge or a fat pouch.

This is a plan that might help trick your mind into thinking you didn't eat too much. Don't eat three set meals but rather numerous small snack like meals throughout the day.When you spread it out like this, it seems like you're are eating less and you're full all day long. It might not make a differences physically, meaning your calorie intake will probably be the same but if you do it properly, mentally you will feel like you didn't eat much. Smaller plates make you mind feel better about eating,especially if you might have a disorder.

If you choice to do it like this, make a schedule for convent times to eat, maybe once an hour. Eat a good mixture of all the food groups, protein and fiber being the most important because they keep you fuller longer. Protein shakes can count as a meal before or after you work out and they are usually pretty good.

Hope my suggestion helps.

It does a bit. I do not eat three set meals. I just snack a bit for a bunch of them. And my younger and older sister are taller than me and are still 'tall and lanky'... And sometimes, well usually, it is not that I have eaten too much but my calorie intake is too high for the foods I have eaten. If I could eat like I normally should (in terms of meals and amount of food) that only gave me a small amount of calories per day, I would. It means I could stay small and get smaller while still being able to eat and stay energized. Thanks though.

Also, it gets harder as I am vegetarian and a super picky eater. I hate that I have to resort to a lot of carbs and starches because of what I will and will not eat. I am also on a college student's budget which makes it harder.

[dontcare97]

Oh okay, Night snack is a big problem for me too. Have you tried zero calorie gum? Chew a bunch instead of eating. It gives you mouth something to do and the flavor gets your sweet tooth.

[mcsmate]

Oh okay, Night snack is a big problem for me too. Have you tried zero calorie gum? Chew a bunch instead of eating. It gives you mouth something to do and the flavor gets your sweet tooth.

I don't eat gum.

It's part of this picky eating thing. One of my good friends, the one who doesn't eat, has a list of the 115 foods and drinks I don't eat, that he keeps in his wallet (I don't know why it is placed in his wallet though). My younger sister also told me that she doesn't keep track of what I don't eat because it too hard and there are so many things, so she just keeps track of what I do eat. Some of the healthiest foods I do not eat, so it makes it hard.

The night I stayed up all night I was so pissed because I just kept getting hungry. I am actually excited that tonight I am not staying in my dorm so I ate all the food I brought with me (which wasn't a lot) for dinner, and since I do not have anymore, I do not have to eat. There is no drawer of food for me to go through. I actually like this. Though I probably shouldn't.

Also I do not only snack at night, it is more throughout the entire day. So my meals are more snacks. I have eaten actual meals lately but not enough and I work it off in the gym the next day. Sometimes it is just late eating. The other day, I didn't start eating until 4:30 in the afternoon and stopped around 10 at night. It was at least okay because I did not go to bed until 2 or so in the morning, so I followed the ideal of not eating in the two to three hours before you go to bed. I didn't eat that much in between then, but the calories added up. I burned some of them off today.

[mcsmate]

Another thing...

Today my other two brothers came to my dorm because they wanted to know if I wanted to go with them off campus. I, of course, said yes. So I went off to the bathroom to change, so it's not weird. When I came back and was almost ready, I had to grab my belt. The jeans I normally wear grew smaller when I lost some weight. I was putting it on and told one of my brothers that these jeans used to fit me but don't anymore. He told me that I was tiny. I told him no I'm not. He said yes I am, and I told him I'm not again. For part of the car ride I thought to myself, no I'm not tiny at all. I have this flab/fat/chubbiness on my stomach and face/chin. That does not make me small. My brother is the one who is smaller. Our other brother is smaller too, even though he complains about his apparent "pudge". I am on the one with "pudge". I don't feel as tiny as I am told I am. The other night when I was not staying in my dorm when I would see myself in the window or something, I thought yeah, I am sort of small. But then I would see myself in the mirror or another window and say no I'm not. I just don't see it sometimes even when others tell me I am.

Also a friend of ours gets mad when my brother who doesn't eat much or I complain about food. When my brother talks about it she gets kind of annoyed as he doesn't have to eat much and is still small. And then I get disgusted after I eat junk food and she tells me not to complain, as it does nothing to me, and I am small already. I just don't believe it or see it.

I mean, I know I am a good, normal, and average weight for my height (and my BMI is in the normal range), but I still feel bigger with this pudge on me. I just don't like it, not one bit.

Also, I was talking to another friend about dinner tonight. I was offered pizza when I had already ate a small bit of noodles as they are cheap and easy to make and relatively low in calories. I kind of persisted that I actually ate food. He said that he knew I ate food. I feel like I have to make sure people know I eat so they do not think something is wrong because I don't want them to have to. But inside I feel bad.

I just can't get over this chubbiness/fatness on my stomach/belly. It looks so gross, especially when I sit down, like now. What also sucks is I am usually a small in t-shirts, but only in unisex shirts. In women's/girl's t-shirts I have to get a large, sometimes if I am lucky (which I usually am not) a medium, because of how form fitting it is and how it sticks to my stomach. My mom used to tell me about the shirts I would wear and tell me which are good to buy and criticize me on some of them because they would cling to my stomach. It is like my dad with telling me to sit-ups or crunches. They just seem to notice it and have to tell me about it. I don't think they know it makes me feel worse. I want shirts that fit right and do not cling. It shows the grossness on my stomach, the pudge/chubbiness. I do not like large or baggy shirts either.

I don't know. I just had to put this in here.

Edit: So I looked up more on EDNOS. I have a potential EDNOS or something, or I may already have one. Because I have symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa, and the new but not official eating disorder, Orthorexia Nervosa. I do not have that much of the latter but I do have some of the symptoms. I am just not a complete "health nut", as I am living on a college students budget, which isn't the greatest sometimes. Also I do not purge. I will not.

Is purging a main symptom of one of the main eating disorders?
Is it just an EDNOS if I don't or nothing at all?

[mcsmate]

Also from this, mixed with my depression/emotional issues, and my insomnia I get mild headaches. My head hurts a bit right now. But I am just tired and it is almost 3:30am. But I can't sleep yet. I need to shower, as I haven't today, and I feel gross because of it. I don't know when I'll go to bed, but hopefully it is not too late. I have work at 1pm tomorrow.

Right now my mind hates me. It tricks me into believing things that aren't true; about myself, about what my friends/family say and mean, and how others see me. I hate it. I want to be better. I want to get better. But I just can't. I don't know how to get over this. I ate 900 calories today. The gym is not open tomorrow so I have an extra 150 calories to lose on Monday. I need to eat less or just stop snacking so much/all the time. I feel like I have to be restrictive. I am going to the store tomorrow, so I am going to buy the cheapest, low calorie, and healthiest foods on my shopping list or that I can find. Nothing of snacking material. I don't know why my stupid body is pretending to be hungry when it is not. I am just really/so down on myself right now, and I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I just need to forget about food for a while. I'll be back here later. I need to shower then sleep.

[mcsmate]

I ate a lot yesterday and I hate it. I went to the gym and stepped on the scale. Today I am a pound more than I was a few days ago. I was half a pound less yesterday. I ate a lot last night, periodically, snacking. I try to blame it on my insomnia, because it has become one of my symptoms, but it's not. It is because I ate breakfast at around 11am and then did not eat until 7:30pm. When I am emotionally stressed it is easy not to eat and sometimes easier to force myself not to eat. I don't know why I just don't want to eat right now. Ever. But I know I have to. Hopefully I get some full meals in today.

Just needed to put this in.

[mcsmate]

So, I don't know what is up right now. So I told my brother what is going on, the one that doesn't eat much... He is a bit worried but says what I am doing is not too horrible or that bad or too extreme yet (though I don't know what he means by extreme. I won't purge or anything, so I am not sure what he means), so I should just continue what I am doing. I don't understand this right now. He made me not go to the gym today and lose the calories I needed to lose. I hate it. I kept checking the time to see when the gym on my campus would close and would tell myself how much time I have left until it closed. I had to go to the gym today and I didn't. So now I need to eat less in the next few days so I do not eat the calories I was supposed to lose. If I have to I will go on Monday if I have time, even though I am working and moving from my summer dorm to my school year housing.

I am going to California for a week on Tuesday and my brother told me we can figure it out when we get back. I still have goals for how much to eat while in California. What was nice is that he told me if anything is wrong I should call him while I am there. I do not know what is going to happen. I know that there will be some stress there as my immediate family (minus my two other brothers, mentioned in this thread) will be there. And my mom is sick. So there will be some emotional issues and stress and it will be easier not to eat while there. It is kind of bad, but I am happy about that. I am happy that I can be distracted from food.

So my stomach hurts right now. I don't know what kind of hurting it is yet, but part of me feels it is the 'restricting food' stomach ache. I only started eating at four this afternoon. I ate a handful or two of green grapes. Then at seven I ate two small slices of pizza, though it was higher in calories, and then a small cup of applesauce at ten. That is 745 calories. My limit is 750 calories. So the calories I was supposed to lose at the gym, 525 calories, I will not eat in the next few days. So for the next three days my limit is 575 calories instead of 750 calories. And it is 900 calories or less while I am in California.

I don't know what is going on with this. But I realized after seeing my first post on here I have been having trouble with food for about a month. It has only been the last two and a half weeks I became more obsessed with food. Well I was before that but in the last two and a half weeks I started going to the gym every weekday/day that I could.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I will figure it out soon.