my struggle

[Nevermore]

I'd thought I'd go into a little more detail with what I've been dealing with lately. Well as I said in the I'm back post thing, I'm back from the hosptial. I'm struggeling to eat everyday. I really can't seem to get a break. It appears the hosptial has made me worse. I hate myself, I hate my life, I'm fat, ugly, and I just deserve to die. I hate my size, everything It's so frustrating to me. I hate this. I hate how my pants and shirts fit differently since treatment. I know I've lost weight, I've been eating veggies, counting, I mean doing everything in my power to lose weight. I have lost weight, I can tell because my bra is bigger on me, and my pants are getting bigger since a few weeks ago. I'm a mess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I'm going back to my treatment team on Monday. They want me at 125 lbs. They don't listen to my family or me or my pediatriticion when we've told them that my original weight before Ana was 112. I'm way under that now, and may need to be hosptialized again. I'm afraid. I can't go back to the hosptial. I refuse! I'm scared and I don't know what to do. At the same time I still want to lose weight, I hate it. It's like I need to lose weight and I secretly love it. Every pound that I lose I love. I love the feeling of baggy clothes, and just feeling hungry. Honestly I think I can't be helped, I want this disease to kill me. If I die, I want to die happily. I want to die thin. I don't want to suffer or be hospitalized. I want to be free, and me. I'm in love with my eating disorder, as horrible as that sounds, but I don't want to let it go, I'm not ready.