LongShot157
August 3rd, 2011, 07:54 PM
First i would like to state this is a tad long and im sorry but if you take the time to read this and give me a reason, or an explanation, or just your opinion on this i would be very greatful.
So as a child i was a pretty happy kid, though i tended to stay by myself and with my childhood best friend, then around the age of maybe 9 or 10, i started to rebel against my parents, if they said do something i wouldnt, if they said dont, i would turn around and do it. Ive lost to many friends to count from suicide and over doses. Ive lost friend due to my pure stupidity, the way i care about myself is the way someone gets annoyed when your walking and you step in gum and cant get that stuff off the bottom of your shoe. Though i dont wish to die, i am a man, my mother raised to to accept who i am, my father taught me to be a man suck it up and deal. Anyways, Now i am 19 and since i was 16 this is how my brain has worked, When i get sad, or upset, mad disappointed pretty much any negative emotion my first step is always realize it, then i force it down suck it up and ignore it. which ive learned i can do without cause depression or suicidal tendencies. Yet those feelings linger inside my head eating at my i cant eat sometimes, i cant sleep, and then ill just sit alone in the dark and think. Music is a huge part of my life its almost like my religion, and when people get upset they tend to listen to happy music to feel better right? well when i get sad, or mad i think of stuff like this.
Sick of this Life sick of fucking breathing soon as i load the gun up my ass is fucking leaving, i aint acomplished shit cept for felonious crime, ive been thinkin bout it every since i was a kid, and i dont think anybody care if i did, they can find my body laying in the bed, with the sheets blood red and a bullet in my head, i hate you for hating me, i will accept the sorrows of my family, close my fucking casket and put me in the dirt. This life of mine's flyin by why am i here alive, why am i among the living when i feel so dead inside
my eyes never dry never will i ever try not to be a better man and try to have a better life, every night i pray to find a way to make it right, i gotta try to stand and fight i gotta try to see the light, everyday a different struggle every time another sign, everyday i feel im loosing it and running out of time.
And stuff like this calms me, i wouldnt say it makes me happy, or fixes anything, but it makes me feel like im not the only one who feels this way, and i know what most of you will say it sounds like depression, but ive been tested 4 separate times i do not have it. mental im as stable as a concrete wall, or at least so say my therapist and psychologist. Its like when i think of violence, or being hurt, or hurting someone or something its a remedy that helps me to feel better for a short while. can anyone please just give me some thought, anything im just so lost, and i know that thinking this way and having these thoughts make me feel better is not right its not healthy.
So as a child i was a pretty happy kid, though i tended to stay by myself and with my childhood best friend, then around the age of maybe 9 or 10, i started to rebel against my parents, if they said do something i wouldnt, if they said dont, i would turn around and do it. Ive lost to many friends to count from suicide and over doses. Ive lost friend due to my pure stupidity, the way i care about myself is the way someone gets annoyed when your walking and you step in gum and cant get that stuff off the bottom of your shoe. Though i dont wish to die, i am a man, my mother raised to to accept who i am, my father taught me to be a man suck it up and deal. Anyways, Now i am 19 and since i was 16 this is how my brain has worked, When i get sad, or upset, mad disappointed pretty much any negative emotion my first step is always realize it, then i force it down suck it up and ignore it. which ive learned i can do without cause depression or suicidal tendencies. Yet those feelings linger inside my head eating at my i cant eat sometimes, i cant sleep, and then ill just sit alone in the dark and think. Music is a huge part of my life its almost like my religion, and when people get upset they tend to listen to happy music to feel better right? well when i get sad, or mad i think of stuff like this.
Sick of this Life sick of fucking breathing soon as i load the gun up my ass is fucking leaving, i aint acomplished shit cept for felonious crime, ive been thinkin bout it every since i was a kid, and i dont think anybody care if i did, they can find my body laying in the bed, with the sheets blood red and a bullet in my head, i hate you for hating me, i will accept the sorrows of my family, close my fucking casket and put me in the dirt. This life of mine's flyin by why am i here alive, why am i among the living when i feel so dead inside
my eyes never dry never will i ever try not to be a better man and try to have a better life, every night i pray to find a way to make it right, i gotta try to stand and fight i gotta try to see the light, everyday a different struggle every time another sign, everyday i feel im loosing it and running out of time.
And stuff like this calms me, i wouldnt say it makes me happy, or fixes anything, but it makes me feel like im not the only one who feels this way, and i know what most of you will say it sounds like depression, but ive been tested 4 separate times i do not have it. mental im as stable as a concrete wall, or at least so say my therapist and psychologist. Its like when i think of violence, or being hurt, or hurting someone or something its a remedy that helps me to feel better for a short while. can anyone please just give me some thought, anything im just so lost, and i know that thinking this way and having these thoughts make me feel better is not right its not healthy.