Bath
August 3rd, 2011, 07:30 PM
It hurts physically and mentally to even just think or to move. There's this permanent knot in my chest that won't go away, this constant bump in my throat, nothing makes it go away except bleeding or cigarettes, but that only lasts for a few minutes. I can't even think straight, it's just like I'm constantly distracted by something and I don't know what it is. I can't pinpoint it. I'm just so aware of myself and how much space I take up.
and then there's the bad stuff. just the loneliness, shame, guilt, feeling this over and over again and shoving it down, only for it to come back up again. This happens so often I've stopped trying. I'm always bothered. By something. And I have absolutely no one to talk to. I have literally no friends. None. Not one. I have my boyfriend. And that's it. But I can't talk to him. If I do, he gets upset and starts blaming himself. And besides, even if I wanted to talk to him right now I can't, he just suddenly got up and left on IM to go hang out with a friend and when I told him I needed him to stay, how terrible I felt right now more than ever, he told me sorry but he has to leave now. and I don't know what else to do and I've never felt this depressed and I just don't know what to do. It's always been this way but it's just more.. prominent, now than ever.
I'm so by myself and intimidated by everybody and I feel so tiny. I'm by myself. In everything. It's always really been this way, and the few who I did grow close to have left my life, in some fucked up way.
Spencer's going to be gone for a few more hours. It's dark in here and I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do.
and then there's the bad stuff. just the loneliness, shame, guilt, feeling this over and over again and shoving it down, only for it to come back up again. This happens so often I've stopped trying. I'm always bothered. By something. And I have absolutely no one to talk to. I have literally no friends. None. Not one. I have my boyfriend. And that's it. But I can't talk to him. If I do, he gets upset and starts blaming himself. And besides, even if I wanted to talk to him right now I can't, he just suddenly got up and left on IM to go hang out with a friend and when I told him I needed him to stay, how terrible I felt right now more than ever, he told me sorry but he has to leave now. and I don't know what else to do and I've never felt this depressed and I just don't know what to do. It's always been this way but it's just more.. prominent, now than ever.
I'm so by myself and intimidated by everybody and I feel so tiny. I'm by myself. In everything. It's always really been this way, and the few who I did grow close to have left my life, in some fucked up way.
Spencer's going to be gone for a few more hours. It's dark in here and I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do.