I tried to get help.

[schrei jess]

Tonight I went past the edge. I faced reality earlier today at school that my self-harm has gone too far, and that I have become addicted. I wrote a letter that really explained how I felt, posted it here, and then I wrote another couple paragraphs explaining how my self-harm started, how it escalated, and how it ruined my life. And I thought about getting help, I thought that I should try and stop even if I didnt really want to and I tried to talk to people. I talk to a few people, and it isnt working that much but I still tried talking, just trying to find...something. I realize that they cant help me online, and that the only way to stop myself from hurting myself anymore is to be forced to stop. I thought I would overdose on my ibuprofens, call the hospital and then get taken there, and be forced to stay while they give me help. Then someone gives me the great idea of calling 211 instead. And at first Im scared, and very nervous. Im scared that they will just end up dissappointing me as well, that they cant really help me. Well I finally get the courage to call them. So I dial. And I get a machine. They transfer me to a voicemail. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL from a HELPLINE. The one time I really try to get help, they screw me over. I couldnt handle it and I started crying very hard. And then I was hyperventilating, having a panic attack. I get really cold, breathing very hard, things start blacking out. But after a little while, I can breath again. And I dont faint. I try talking to people online again, anything to keep me sane, but then the one person I needed the most...the one I thought really cared about me says that he cant breathe. He cant breathe. In my neediest hour, the one time I need him the most, he wants to leave me. And I tell him this, that I really need him and how could he leave me like this. He says I cant blame him or some other shit. I was failed twice when I needed help the most. And now Im at a loss. I dont know what to do now. I cant handle this right now. Ive finally lost it.

Edit;;
Y'know, what was keeping me from offing myself all those other times? The thought that I could be helped. That I could change things. But when I try to get that help, and it doesnt work...what's stopping me now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

[schrei jess]

I tried calling once more. And someone picked up. I told the lady I had a bad self-harm problem and I couldnt stop. And she gave me two numbers to call for help. That's not what I was looking for. Now how do I get the courage to call another number? I dont know why this has to be so hard on me.

[schrei jess]

I tried. I tried, I really did. Im not strong enough. Another night I have to hurt myself just to be able to breathe again. Just to be able to go to sleep.

God, I tried. And maybe Ill try again tomorrow, but tonight...I cant stop this.

[thesphinx]

im sorry:( for what its worth i care about.
might not mean much to you but it would hurt me if you died.
This is good that you WANT to get help. there IS help out there you just have to find it, finding it can SUCK though, ive been through 3 docters, and i need to find my fourth one. the other docters literily abandoned me, and im finding it hard to realize that there is someone that can help me, i just need to find it,
so you called what number to get help?
and they gave you a voice message??!
Thats stupid.
what kind of a help line was it?
like self harm help line.

[schrei jess]

i ended up calling a suicide hotline. and i regret it so much now. too much to type, ill tell you what happened later. my parents are pissed.

[Sapphire]

I am so sorry to hear that they didn't help. But, in the darkest places there is always a glimmer of light. It may be near impossible to see it, but it is there. You can beat this, you can get better. You just need help. I agree that help from people online is not enough to stop, do you have anyone that you can chat to offline? Someone you can phone up or text or visit whenever you need help? Try and find one. It will help a lot more than any of us can.

I hope you are ok tonight. I really do. I don't know how much it costs to text from the US to England, I'll look into it if you want to exchange numbers. If you don't I hope you find someone else who may be closer to you (emotionally as well as geographically) who can help.

[schrei jess]

So here's what happened last night for those who want an update.

I called 211 again after I worked up the nerve. A lady picked up and she gave me two numbers I could call. So had to work up even more courage to do it again, I was really scared. It's like 1 in the morning by the time I get it back. So I dial. A man picks up, and I talk to him for a little while. It was hard, but I did it. And I told him whatever I could, and I was scared to tell him my name and where I lived but I did. Eventually he transfers me to another woman who I talk to some more, and she says I need to wake my mom up. Not what I wanted to do, but I had to. I get my mom up and tell her to talk to the person on the phone - and she freaks out, wondering what Im doing on the phone that early/late. I tell her I called a helpline and she finally takes the phone, and talks to the lady. I get the phone back to talk to the person again, and I can hear my mom talking with my dad. And she sounds pissed, and I feel terrible. It's obvious she's mad. The lady says something about contacting something called 'first help' or 'first health' about my self-harm and I said I couldnt. She says I have to go to the hospital then, which is what I wanted all along. Well, my mom never took me. She made me sleep in her room. I get like two hours of sleep, and Im being woken up for school this morning. So I have to get ready, and I can barely function but Im in my dad's car, and we're driving to school. He asks if I want to stay home, so I say yes. He says if you want to stay home, we have to talk. So I agree. He will only let me sleep for two hours when I get back, which is definetly not enough. He wakes me up and says we have to talk, and I try but it isnt good enough for him so it's clear he is getting mad. So I show him that stuff I wrote and he reads it. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me to have face to face conversations about this stuff. He makes me email my psychiatrist and ask her to reccomend me some new therapists, as I have to go back again. The whole day was...too much. And I feel like they hate me for calling for help...but am I supposed to feel bad about that? I needed help, and I tried to get it. I feel like dying more than ever. I want different parents. I want to run away. Anything, something. I dont want this.

[Aηdy]

Jess, i want to congratulate you on calling for help, i think its the best thing you can do, and it seems you dad is pretty cool about it, he is obviously worried about you. It will get better eventually if you try, there are always people wh owill want to help you.

[Evrythng_im_not]

Parents don't get it. They don't understand the pain. They're stupid for doing that to you. it's something you really shouldn't have had placed on your shoulders. It'll get better, it should, atleast.... I hope it gets better for you

[TheWizard]

Wow you are having a hard time. Try going to a doctor, that's where they will send you anyway.

[Sapphire]

Try things with the new doctor, this one may be better for you.
Your parents only reacted like that because they care. I know it feels as if that is the last thing on their mind, but it is. They want to help, but don't understand what you are going through or how best to help you.

I am glad you phoned them again. If you feel you desperately need to talk with someone then phone them again. Don't tell them you are on phone to the helpline or have been on the phone to them, to get the most out of it (by the sounds of it) is to keep your parents in the dark about the phonecall.

[JustJuss]

Wow thats rough.
But really thats HUGE! u called for help! really i want to congagulate u!
my parents (by the sounds of it) are quite similar.. at least in hours of need.
When my psychiatrist would have nurses and psychologists ring me every day just to make sure i was alive and would be for at least another 15 or so hours my mum would be all weirded out and get really angry that they are ringing. Its almost like denial, "theres nothing wrong with my daughter!" u know?

my mum would somewtimes sleep in my room and think that this makes everything ok. it only pissed me off coz it meant id have to lie awake for like hours, til morning to hurt myself. Her being there wasnt actually helping it was just making her feel like shed done enough or as i like to say the "parenting tick"

Anyway to the point, my parents being weird about me makes me too scared to get help especially when i need it the most. Personally i would never have the courage to call like u did, and i urge u not to let ur parents' reaction to discourage u from calling for help when u need it.

Remember, sometimes u are the best judge at when/if u need help. If u are scared or dont feel safe, no matter how other people react, u getting the help u need at this time is THE most important thing.:yes:

Hang in there
Just Juss