What The Hell!?

[The Harlequin]

I used to write on here all the time when I was first coming to accept myself, and it really helped me a lot, but I think I need help again. Been trying to deal with everything on my own and it's just - messed with my head.

I used to think that I was bisexual.
This year, I dated a girl I met at a mate's bday and we went out for about 7 months - 5 months after we started going out I began to feel more depressed than I ever thought possible at 18. The girls that I hang out with had told me about times when guys just dumped their gfs out of the blue, so I stopped pretending all the time, showing her all was not well before breaking up with her.

When I did manage to finally bring myself to do it, I told her I was gay. What happened next was a week of hell more like a divorce of a marriage than 7 months between adolescents. Ever since that I have felt empty emotionally, a vaccume.

What makes matters worse - and plz don't judge me too harshly - was that I experimented once or twice with my ex (a guy) whilst we were going out. I somewhat naively thought that I would never do that ever, and after the event I always felt awful, but it was almost as if I was trying to fill an emotional gap. Sometimes me and my gf would be having sex and I'd be on the verge of tears because it just didn't feel right. Was that just her or my feeling for all women?

Once me and my gf were over, my male ex and me (who have always stayed good friends) just ended up as FWBs. Whenever we do anything though, I'm not happy, I feel so cheap afterwards because it doesn't mean anything. When me n him were going out none of our mates knew, to him it was always physical and I feel so stupid for thinking at the time that there was any love on the other side.

But now, I really do NOT find him attractive at all, he's a friend but I just don't know what I saw in him before, is that harsh?

I like another guy I don't know very well, he's cute, funny and we have a lot in common. When I'm talking in confidence to my ex though, he kind of... ridicules me for liking this guy, I think ironically that now we aren't going out, my ex might like me more than he used to.

Essentially this last year has been hell for me, I don't know if I'm gay or not, I thought I was but now I'm not so sure, my ex gf went off with another guy under a month after we broke up, making me feel really insecure and replacable, I feel cheap with my other ex and I'm also wondering if I'll ever see this guy I like again or whether he even cares... I just don't know what to do anymore

I want to feel happy and at peace again, all I feel at the moment is constant pain and emptiness - this is not normal at my age, surely? I'm sorry for the long message but... This has all been whirling around my head and I didn't know what else to do...

Any advice you can give would be amazing

[Maxxie]

Being gay, being straight, being bisexual, they're all just labels. If I could only say one thing, I'd tell you to do what makes you happy. That being said, I know firsthand how hard it is to come to terms with your sexuality, even if it just a label. You are torn between what you need and what others tell you you need, even if you don't recognize it.

People feel empty, used, like trash all the time in their lives, but it's accentuated when you're confused about your sexuality because you DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK! :mad: And that's not your fault. Blame society for that bullshit, shoving labels down your throat left and right. You and only YOU can say what that label is, whether other people like it or not.

At this point, you need to sit down and think, long and hard, about what YOU need and what YOU want. Nobody else can think it for you, and if you ever want to feel less empty and get rid of that pain, you need to throw that confusion out with the bathwater. You're YOU, your own person, and you decide youself, not others, not society.

However, bisexuality implies emotional and sexual attraction for both sexes, but it doesn't have to be equal. Hell, I call myself bisexual but I can't stop thinking about guys. They're at the forefront of my mind but women turn me on as well.

If you are bisexual, that's great. If you're gay, that's great too! Do what makes you happy!

As for your ex, the FWB thing isn't particularly my cup of tea, but I'll toss you my two cents anyway. The way he's treating you and your feelings is wrong. He shouldn't be ridiculing you for who you like. To be frank, it's bullshit.

Anyways, my two cents (well, a bit more than that). If you want to talk I've got 2 posts until 100, so you can PM me :)

[JayJaySpiritus]

Everything that’s happening to you is just making you more confused. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel.. Everyone goes through stages through there entire life. you seem like an amazing guy to me :) You’re not replaceable & never think you are. You don’t know what to do anymore? Go talk to the guy you like.. Forget about your ex’s If they were your friends then he wouldn’t treat you like that.

I think you should talk to someone about this… I know its awkward, and hard… but I tell my best friend everything & its much easier. I bet if you talk to them they will say something Your Sexuality doesn't matter. You like who you like. & you should be with people that make you happy. You should care about your ex girlfriend, she’s not worth the pain – when you felt it then you where with here. You FWB tell him you’re not interested in being like that. If it feels wrong for you don’t do it.

Never doubt yourself. you've been through a hard stage. but life is all up & downs. you'll get through this & come out happy & stronger

[The Harlequin]

But it is slightly more complicated than just a question of talking to the guy I like - he is a total magnet for very brash and... how can I put this...? Forceful gay guys, if you get what I mean. No jk, one time at drama one of these guys was literally rubbing his leg against him in plain view of everybody making him really uncomfortable. He was pretty much dragged out of the closet by this guy, and ever since he's constantly received some really (frankly) disgusting texts off about three gay guys - they either force themselves on him or in some cases they try and guilt-trip him into pity sex and he doesn't want anything to do with all that, understandably

I haven't done anything like that and I wouldn't want to, I've tried to talk to him a lot more, get to know him and stuff, but now that I'm not really going to drama anymore (the only place that I really see him) I don't know if he'll ever know how I feel.

But then if it's a toss-up between telling him, and risking him seeing me like all the others, or never telling him then - I feel trapped either way. Sometimes I just look at myself and think 'what am i doing?'

As for my sexuality as a whole I just want it to settle. I keep thinking I know who I am and then all of a sudden I don't know - I know that I shouldn't feel pressured into having a label, but I feel so alone that sometimes I think it'd be nice to feel a part of something, you know what I mean?

I mean if I wasn't replaceable then how come my ex (she) could just get somebody else, and how come the only homosexual relationship I've had has been based on the physical - I really used to feel emotionally connected to him, God only knows why.

The other guys are so preditory that I guess, if I'm brutally honest, that it makes me ashamed to be gay sometimes, seeing the way they behave is outrageous, and so cringeworthy it's untrue - and the only other guy I know of who is gay (my ex) appears to be looking after his own interests rather than caring about me and what I want and how I feel...

The guy I like shouldn't be treated like this
I'm just worried if I open up, I'll just look like another person who doesn't care about what's best for him, but is looking after their own interests...again...