it's whatever.

[deadpie]

I relapsed and it's like I seriously have to take xanax or else I'm just going to be pissy rage at everyone that I talk to. Fuck, it's hard to stay sober, but really what's the point in being sober if you're worse clean? I'm happier using whether I end up OD'ing and taking too much or not. For fucks sake I want to be happy. This is the only choice I have. It's either this or pulling my stomach apart with a piece of glass.

Whatever. I don't want to get sober anymore. Just not worth it. More people get hurt and shit like that when I'm in my "right mind", which is what people call it.

[Bougainvillea]

If you feel yourself to be more comfortable, and you feel good and in how you act then go for it, I guess. There's nothing I can say to change your mind, and I doubt you care about my opinion anyway. But if enabling yourself to be a subtance abuser is what is enabling you to be happy... then that's that.

Be happy. Though its sad for me to see you spiral downwards, I'd rather you spiral happily. Or however happy you can be. Its a long road, but there's an end to it for everyone. I wish you the best, and I hope you can stroll along the sidewalk, and not stall in the middle of the fast lane.

For what its worth, I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is that is doing this to you. No one deserves that.