Gone.

[Magenta]

I've ruined everything. Everyone has left, everyone hates me. No one wants me around. I'm the "spare" anyway. I'm only invited along as a last resort or to take up space. I'm no one's friend. I've never felt so alone. I can't make friends... I can't keep them... I can only lose them. There must be something faulty with me. I'm the only constant. There's something wrong with me, something that can't be fixed.

My only close online friend was offended and probably won't want to speak to me anymore. But it's true, online friends aren't the same. While I appreciate everything she's done for me, she can never ease my loneliness. No one here can. Not even Robert... People online can't be here. They can't hug me when I need to be hugged, can't talk to me when I need to hear a voice. It's selfish but... it's not the same. No one here would do those things for me. No one in real life wants to. I feel worthless, useless, defective, unwanted, unneeded, pointless, stupid, ugly, fat, gross, disgusting. I'm like a piece of rubbish, cast aside to rot.

I can't just be told I'm none of these things... for once, I wish someone would show me.

I've tried so hard to change. I've wanted to change, I changed to feel like a better person. But no one noticed. It wasn't enough. I'm breaking again and I can't put the pieces back together again. Everything lately has been a train wreck and even though I push it all aside, the rubble and debris is building up and soon I will be trapped, unable to sift through it. No one will be able to find me then.

I just want to stop taking my medication. What does it matter? It doesn't work. The one that does keeps me from my highs. Even if they're not real happiness, at least I could have a high moment... Maybe then I'd survive. And it makes me sleep... and I have to endure the pain of waking up. I'd stay awake forever without them. Who cares if I eat? I can wither away into nothing. I can cut myself to the bone... it won't matter. I don't feel like a person anymore. I'm a body, a shell. The person is gone now. Jo isn't here. She's just living the motions she's told to go through... hoping it will end.

I don't even have the strength to kill myself. I'll just die from a lack of will to live... No one will notice. No one would miss me. Everyone in real life has made it clear I'm not an essential or even minor part of their lives. Those online wouldn't know the difference between my absence and just logging off for awhile.

I don't know what's happening to me. I can see myself living to be fifty... eighty maybe. But I see a half-life. I see a broken, punished being. Someone cursed with living because of her defects. I've ruined so many people's lives. I've pushed them away just by existing. Living in misery must be my punishment. So what now? How can I possibly live so many more years like this? I can barely imagine five minutes...

And I can't tell anyone this. I look happy. I smile, I keep my voice strong. Only because I have to.

I guess you can ignore this wall of text. Don't mind me. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't believe anyone can help me anymore.

EDIT: I can almost laugh though now in a hollow sort of way. I see people talk about how they feel unwanted because of their looks... here, all over the internet. I just had to add this... if only they knew. If only they knew how looks weren't everything. No matter how skinny I get, or pretty I make myself with makeup, anything like that... it doesn't heal the emptiness. I also realized this while looking through my photos on my computer. I look so happy... I'm not. Those photos look so fake. It's time like these when everything seems trivial. I can have so much yet... have so little. It's like I'm losing my head... going 'round the bend. Somehow... I think that even if I had friends, looks, things... I'd never be happy. If I had the personality I wanted, was the person I want to be... normal... it still wouldn't be enough.

Who am I?

[anonymous53]

Jocelyn. People care... I know... I live 8 hours away. Gosh I wish I could be there right now to be there. I'd fly out there right now if I had a passport, or wire you money to amtrack here. You have not ruined my life, you're an amazing girl. I wish I could help you see that.

[Magenta]

I know... I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have to deal with this. With me. I know that the reasons no one likes me or wants to be around me are my own fault... it just hurts... so much.

[Skyhawk]

Jo, we do care about you, I don't know you well but I hate to see you like this. :{

[insert hug emoticon here]

[Magenta]

Thanks... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in so much pain all the time... emotionally and then physically... and I just want it all to stop and I can't make that happen. I've never felt worse because I can't kill myself. I don't know why but I can't do it and I wish I could.

[deadpie]

A big wall of text, so I'm taking what you're going through is very serious.

I looked at a few pictures and I have to say, you're not ugly or fat. You remind me a bunch of my ex girlfriend in fact. Try not to take this in the form of a creeper, because I'm more to the side of liking guys than girls, but you don't need to put yourself down that much.

Many people look in the mirror and see something completely different from what they really look like. Strange thing, but it's so hard for people to see it in themselves that they aren't as bad as they think. You ever thought about going a few days without make up or trying to "look as good as possible"?

How about trying to just flow with what you look like and force yourself to look yourself in the mirror and accept the girl without the makeup and the body she has? Sure the cuts will show and the mask won't be on, but it's important for one to remember who they are from time to time.

If you ever want to talk one on one, my skype is Deadpie11. I'm here anytime you want to talk. Well, I'm not online 24/7 because I do have things to do, but when I'm online I'm willing to talk whenever.

[Magenta]

So it took me awhile to think of how to reply to this. At first all I could think was "God no, I'll look horrendous" but then I remembered that there was a time before I even knew what makeup and a hair straightener were. I could prolly use a healthy dose of that time again.

Part of me still says that no matter what I look like on the outside and whether I accept it or not... I'm still going to be fucked up, depressed, wanting to die, lonely, unwanted. The outside only counts for so much but I will work on that at least.

Thanks.

[Skyhawk]

Part of me still says that no matter what I look like on the outside and whether I accept it or not... I'm still going to be fucked up, depressed, wanting to die, lonely, unwanted.

All of us will still say that no matter what, You will always be a smart, talented, beautiful person on the inside and out. We will always honestly say that you truly are a wonderful person, you aren't unwanted, fucked up, nor lonely.

I'm always on Skype (just often invisible :P) if you want to talk. :)

[Love.Hate]

I've ruined everything. Everyone has left, everyone hates me. No one wants me around. I'm the "spare" anyway. I'm only invited along as a last resort or to take up space. I'm no one's friend. I've never felt so alone. I can't make friends... I can't keep them... I can only lose them. There must be something faulty with me. I'm the only constant. There's something wrong with me, something that can't be fixed.

I feel just like this, but i promise you there is nothing wrong with you! One day you will meet some amazing friends.. and they will want you around, you will be the first person they call when they fancy going out.. you just have to wait for them. Your never alone because you have us.. yes we are people all over the world, through a computer screen. But we are real, we are living proof that things get better, that their are nice people out there.. who care!

My only close online friend was offended and probably won't want to speak to me anymore. But it's true, online friends aren't the same. While I appreciate everything she's done for me, she can never ease my loneliness. No one here can. Not even Robert... People online can't be here. They can't hug me when I need to be hugged, can't talk to me when I need to hear a voice. It's selfish but... it's not the same. No one here would do those things for me. No one in real life wants to. I feel worthless, useless, defective, unwanted, unneeded, pointless, stupid, ugly, fat, gross, disgusting. I'm like a piece of rubbish, cast aside to rot.

I can't just be told I'm none of these things... for once, I wish someone would show me.

I've tried so hard to change. I've wanted to change, I changed to feel like a better person. But no one noticed. It wasn't enough. I'm breaking again and I can't put the pieces back together again. Everything lately has been a train wreck and even though I push it all aside, the rubble and debris is building up and soon I will be trapped, unable to sift through it. No one will be able to find me then.

Jo, yes your right we cant be there when you need that hug. Someone to hold your hand and tell you its going to be okay, we cant keep you from this loneliness. But we can try to be there as much as possible, care about you and guide you through difficult times in your life. You dont need to change. Your Jo, this is how you were made to be. Dont change yourself because of the world around you. Be your own person. An individual. I know words dont help, but im going to tell you anyway because you need to convince your brain of the truth. Your none of those things you describe i promise you.

Your letting everything pile on top of you, its going to get too much, your gonna snap. You really need to relax, take some time out. Ignore the world for a bit. You. Sometimes just kind of day dreaming out of the world for a bit really can help.. i find i do this when reading, or listening to music on my ipod. Just on my own, for an hour or so.. but im not really on my own.. if that makes any sense? I have the company of musicians or characters. Dont let it get so bad that you are trapped and cant get out of that mindset, you will one day realise how amazing you are.. even if its in 50 years time!

I just want to stop taking my medication. What does it matter? It doesn't work. The one that does keeps me from my highs. Even if they're not real happiness, at least I could have a high moment... Maybe then I'd survive. And it makes me sleep... and I have to endure the pain of waking up. I'd stay awake forever without them. Who cares if I eat? I can wither away into nothing. I can cut myself to the bone... it won't matter. I don't feel like a person anymore. I'm a body, a shell. The person is gone now. Jo isn't here. She's just living the motions she's told to go through... hoping it will end.

I don't even have the strength to kill myself. I'll just die from a lack of will to live... No one will notice. No one would miss me. Everyone in real life has made it clear I'm not an essential or even minor part of their lives. Those online wouldn't know the difference between my absence and just logging off for awhile.

But Jo, you have to understand these highs have side affects.. they cause those lows. You cant have one without the other. Your body needs rest, so you have energy for another day. It wont be painful forever, one day you will look forward to the next day. A new adventure. I care if you eat, how are you supposed to get anything done without the energy? It does matter if you cut yourself badly because there isnt a need to do it, you are strong you can cope without it. Maybe the meds are making you feel like your not here? or perhaps its all these contibuting factors? dont let it all pile up, talk it out. Things always get better :hug:

See that you dont have the "strength" as a good thing, its not your time to go. Still so young. I would notice! We all would, and we would miss you terribly :( Your family would aswell, even though you have convinced yourself they wouldnt. Your still their little girl, they have seen you grow up, they would be devestated. Your friends are not true friends, you meet horrible people in life. You have to learn that not everyone is as nice as they may seem. If they dont want you, thats their loss. Because anyone would be a fool not to want you as a friend.

I don't know what's happening to me. I can see myself living to be fifty... eighty maybe. But I see a half-life. I see a broken, punished being. Someone cursed with living because of her defects. I've ruined so many people's lives. I've pushed them away just by existing. Living in misery must be my punishment. So what now? How can I possibly live so many more years like this? I can barely imagine five minutes...

And I can't tell anyone this. I look happy. I smile, I keep my voice strong. Only because I have to.

You dont have to see yourself living too old age.. you just have to do it. You take each day as it comes, day by day. There is nothing more you can do. You havent ruined peoples lives, they have ruined yours and its unfair that people can be so hurtful and mean. But thats just them, there is nothing you can do about the way people behave. You dont need punishing.

I guess you can ignore this wall of text. Don't mind me. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't believe anyone can help me anymore.

Why would we ever want to ignore you? It does matter, even if we cant help we are still going to try.


EDIT: I can almost laugh though now in a hollow sort of way. I see people talk about how they feel unwanted because of their looks... here, all over the internet. I just had to add this... if only they knew. If only they knew how looks weren't everything. No matter how skinny I get, or pretty I make myself with makeup, anything like that... it doesn't heal the emptiness. I also realized this while looking through my photos on my computer. I look so happy... I'm not. Those photos look so fake. It's time like these when everything seems trivial. I can have so much yet... have so little. It's like I'm losing my head... going 'round the bend. Somehow... I think that even if I had friends, looks, things... I'd never be happy. If I had the personality I wanted, was the person I want to be... normal... it still wouldn't be enough.

Who am I?

Your so right looks arent everything, but they certainly affect your behaviour, how you act with people. Your confidence levels. It doesnt heal the emptiness, no just masks it. You cant put on that fake smile all the time, its so tiring and eventually you will run out of those smiles. Dont pretend to be something your not, it doesnt make anything better does it? Remember no one is normal, everyone has their imperfections.. so yes your right, you will probably never be happy with you. But you have to accept thats the way its going to be. If you were a size zero you might complain that you have small boobs, if you are popular you might have friends that arent real, whoever you are, life is never simple.

You are Jo. Your own person. Yourself.



Edit- Sorry this is so long <3

[Magenta]

Okay, I'm not going to reply to that piece by piece but I'll just sum it up with a thank you. Everything you said has a good point to it, things I've forgotten about. I owe my online friends an apology. You guys do help more than most would even bother to try. I guess when I'm lonely, I just wish for more than I have.

Today I came to the conclusion that if nothing else, I'm good at my music. That's going to be my escape. Heck, it's not an escape from my life. It was my life... it still is. I can't believe I forgot about it. So I'm going back to that for awhile and hopefully things will look up.

Thanks for all your replies.

[Love.Hate]

There you go, focus on your music :)

Its okay we all get like that when we are lonely. But your never alone.

I am nearly always here to talk (except when im sleeping then i will send you happy messages through my thoughts ofcourse :P) Your life is worth living, i promise you<3

:hug:

[Skyhawk]

That's great Jo! We are all here for you (I sure hope so) if you need someone to talk too. :)

And lol Fraaan, we now have your point.

:)

[Magenta]

SLEEP?! HOW DARE YOU SLEEP. D: Lol, kidding. <3

:hug:

[Love.Hate]

SLEEP?! HOW DARE YOU SLEEP. D: Lol, kidding. <3

:hug:

*hangs head in shame*

I shall try not too.. in all fairness i dont sleep much ;)

Hope your doing okay <3

:hug:

[Magenta]

I'm doing all right. I have my okay moments. <3

:hug:

[Saosin]

Glad to hear you are doing better!
I'm not on VT all that much. But I'm trying to at least log in once a day.
If you need anyone to talk to PM me. I'll try to reply as quickly as possible!
No one else is like you or can replace you. Keep your head up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj0PtMZaWss

Ignore VEVO's stupid adds. But this is a great song. Hopefully you enjoy! :)