Magenta
July 28th, 2011, 10:18 AM
For those considering self-harm and those trying to recover:
Self-harm is a coping mechanism. It is something turned to when one believes that all other healthy options have been depleted. It is also an addiction. It is something that I would never wish upon anyone else, having seen self-harming behaviours amongst many friends and having experienced them myself. I began telling a story to deter prospective self-harmers from starting down a road that so many of us have been down and now deeply regret. I also started telling it to show that no matter how much one has spiraled, we can still recover.
After reading the ED Recovery post by Z (FaithAndTrust), I was inspired to start working on this. Hopefully it will provide to be as informative as possible. A lot of what I plan to share is a harsh truth but it is the truth of what I unleashed upon myself and would do anything to help others avoid. It’s a wall of text but it’s something I considered worth sharing.
Self-harm has been glamorized by the media. Not necessarily has it been shown to be a good thing but there is only one side of self-harm often seen. There’s the stereotype: the sad teenage girl, dressed in black and too much eye makeup, called “emo” by all her peers and ridiculed because of her cuts. What’s missing is the darker side of self-harm, rarely discussed in public. No one ever told me how bad a self-harm addiction could be… I see only now, after reading the posts here what people (and myself) have to go through, what I could have avoided if given more information. To be quite frank, even drug addictions are more socially accepted.
In reality, there is no difference between the two.
There are a few stages that lead to a self-harm addiction, which I shall outline here:
Stage 1: The thoughts.
At this point, self-harm has appeared in your life somehow. Whether it be through a friend, a book or TV show or any other “resource”, the idea has surfaced. Part of you may know it’s not a healthy or smart idea but another part of you plays with the idea. Stage 1 is the most crucial stage. It often determines how things will play out.
If you’re like me, you may have self-harmed before. I’ve self-harmed for nine years and only the past year has been by cutting. I was plagued by chronic acne at the age of seven… which slowly led to my thinking it was normal to pick at my skin. For me, cutting didn’t seem that bad- after all, I was already scarred. I just didn’t realize how much more damage I could possible cause.
Stage 2: The first few cuts.
If you didn’t get through Stage 1 without a scratch, this is where you should listen up. You’re not doomed to a future of addiction but you could be if you don’t start considering what could happen in this future. You made the first cut and probably felt the release that I felt. The relief. This is the point where you think, it was just this once. It’s not. You’ll probably make a few more cuts and promise yourself, it will just be in that one spot, easy enough to hide.
For me, it was under my watch. I thought I could hide the cuts there, let them heal and I’d be done with it. I also didn’t consider the scars and how I would eventually continue hiding those. At the time, I thought the cuts were the biggest problem. I wasn’t thinking of the long-term (as I’m sure many start out), I was thinking in the moment.
Stage 3: The build-up.
This was when I started wearing long-sleeves all the time. I assumed no one suspected but I later found out that my father had known the entire time. He had trusted me to pull out of it by myself but by this time, it was already becoming very close to too late for that.
Like any release, it is only temporary. It also begins to be harder and harder to achieve each time. That one little spot you decided to confine the self-harm to? It grows. You begin covering up and dressing as though it is the winter when it’s actually 120 degrees (F) outside. Suddenly, it seems like self-harm is your “miracle drug”. However, you start needing to make more cuts/burns/scratches, deeper and more often. Self-harm may look, at this point, to be the coping technique you needed all this time. I will not lie, the release may feel amazing…
But is it WORTH it?
Stage 4: Definite addiction.
The release you thought was worth it begins to dissipate. You don’t just want to self-harm to make the emotional pain go away, you need it. Any coping mechanisms you used to have, are now completely gone. You’ve forgotten about them because they don’t work quite the same way. You become a lot more erratic, your moods may be a lot more volatile and if you can’t get to your tools, you’re a lot more likely to snap.
Self-harm is what I thought about in my spare time. It became my pass-time. If I was bored, that would be what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “cure” for pain anymore, it was my “cure” for everything. I was completely self-destructing. I would do anything to self-harm. Literally, anything. I would try new things all the time to the point people began to wonder how much of a danger to myself I really was.
By this point, you’re like a drug addict. I’m sure you’ve seen the programs on the television or in class at school about how these addicts live their lives, getting by only after that last hit. You may think that self-harming cannot come close but it becomes similar… if not the same. Your body is covered in marks but of a different kind than needle tracks. You’re in pain all the time because of the amount of damage you’ve started causing. Tight pants or leggings? A definite no. Short sleeves and shorts are completely out of the question. You start looking at your wardrobe, wondering if you’re going to be wearing long-sleeved shirts and sweat pants for the rest of your life. That dress you wanted to wear to a party? You think you’ll never be able to look at it again…
And this is where you start re-evaluating. You look at your life. Now you’re looking at the future. You’re craving your tools again but you’re looking at that dress (or for boys, some other article of favourite clothing). You look at your scars then back at the clothing. This is where you decide:
Is this who I am? Can I recover?
What have you chosen? Addiction or recovery?
Help! I’m craving it!
Maybe you’re addiction isn’t on the severe end of the scale but everyone is going to have urges. They nag at the back of your mind. Maybe they never truly go away but they start to fade, just like the scars. Maybe you’ll give in to the urges. Everyone does. That’s okay.
“You only fail if you give up.” – Kathy (Fiction).
You’ll crash and burn. You’ll give in, you’ll relapse and think you’re a complete failure. However, you can do this a hundred times and you won’t fail as long as you try again. Maybe not right away but eventually. Everyone has their moments where they think that they simply can’t do it but I am telling you right now, you can. There are recovered self-harmers out there and I can guarantee they’ll back me up when I say it’s no piece of cake but the freedom at the end of the tunnel is just as delicious.
Professional Treatment and Hospitalization
Professionals are your best bet. You may think that they’re only there to get paid but there are plenty of other careers to choose from than coaxing reluctant addicts away from the blade. They’re there to help you and they want to see you succeed. They’re trained to be there when you doubt yourself and help you continue. They’re trained to teach you to pull yourself back up when you fall.
In severe cases, like mine, hospitalization is sometimes required. I know, even the idea sends your mind into a frenzy. It will be a definite shock compared to how you’re living now. It may be difficult for the first little while but it lets up. Sometimes, the pressure is the kick in the behind that you needed to give you the head start. It’s embarrassing as hell to be in the shower with someone knocking on the door to make sure you’re not trying to beat yourself up in there or having eyes watching you every minute of the day (heck, I was once in a room during my first hospitalization with a door that was locked and you had to buzz to get in and there were security cameras watching me at all times) but it does get better. If you slip up and they start watching you again, that’s okay. After awhile, you get used to it and realize that they’re doing it for your own safety and not to traumatize you. They teach you other ways of coping and help you as you go through a difficult but well worth it withdrawal.
Life Beyond Self-Harm and Addiction
It does exist. You may not be ready to reveal your scars to the world but there are ways to fade them such as Bio Oil, Scar Zone, Mederma, Vitamin E, etc. The feeling when you go out in short sleeves for the first time after your turbulent journey is better than any release you felt from self-harm. People may ask or they may stare but what I’ve learned to do is smile and wave, proving that I’m a regular person just like them. It will be like a weight has been lifted… you’re free.
One of my best friends once said to me: “People go through the shit they do for one reason and one reason only and that is to come out as a stronger person. That stronger person can help others who can then help their own others. Everyone will come out stronger and better.”
I have never once forgotten or doubted those words.
Tips for Recovery:
- Find something you’ve always wanted to learn to do. Make that your new goal. Distract yourself and work on a personal project rather than harming yourself.
- Set yourself a goal or just start counting the days (see the “Non Self Harm Calendar (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=3861)”) and don’t forget to reward yourself at different intervals of your progress.
- Do something like cut out paper snowflakes or paper stars, cutting the paper rather than your skin. If you like burning, light a candle and burn a list of things that are stressing you out (make sure that you can do this safely).
- Isolate your triggers. That won’t solve anything but it will give you a push in the right direction. You may think that once you’re in the addiction stage, the triggers no longer exist but they’re still deep down somewhere with the root of the problem.
- Talk to friends and family. The hardest part of recovery is admitting you need help but people will be there for you once you do.
- Write a diary or draw. Use the pen or pencil to take out your anger/sadness/frustration on the page. Happy about your progress? Record it so that you can look back on it later as a reminder!
- Remind yourself that you are stronger than the addiction. You were a person before it and you can be a person after it.
- And in the words of Ellen DeGeneres: Laugh. Dance. ______ (Whatever you want to put here! Smile, love, sing, read, etc.)
Whether you’ve come to this post because you were considering self-harm or because you’ve already strayed down that path, there are always options. There’s always hope and a chance for something better. Never forget that.
In the words of Albus Dumbledore:
“It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.”
&
“We must try not to sink beneath our anguish but battle on.”
Thank you, Z, for reading this over for me!
Self-harm is a coping mechanism. It is something turned to when one believes that all other healthy options have been depleted. It is also an addiction. It is something that I would never wish upon anyone else, having seen self-harming behaviours amongst many friends and having experienced them myself. I began telling a story to deter prospective self-harmers from starting down a road that so many of us have been down and now deeply regret. I also started telling it to show that no matter how much one has spiraled, we can still recover.
After reading the ED Recovery post by Z (FaithAndTrust), I was inspired to start working on this. Hopefully it will provide to be as informative as possible. A lot of what I plan to share is a harsh truth but it is the truth of what I unleashed upon myself and would do anything to help others avoid. It’s a wall of text but it’s something I considered worth sharing.
Self-harm has been glamorized by the media. Not necessarily has it been shown to be a good thing but there is only one side of self-harm often seen. There’s the stereotype: the sad teenage girl, dressed in black and too much eye makeup, called “emo” by all her peers and ridiculed because of her cuts. What’s missing is the darker side of self-harm, rarely discussed in public. No one ever told me how bad a self-harm addiction could be… I see only now, after reading the posts here what people (and myself) have to go through, what I could have avoided if given more information. To be quite frank, even drug addictions are more socially accepted.
In reality, there is no difference between the two.
There are a few stages that lead to a self-harm addiction, which I shall outline here:
Stage 1: The thoughts.
At this point, self-harm has appeared in your life somehow. Whether it be through a friend, a book or TV show or any other “resource”, the idea has surfaced. Part of you may know it’s not a healthy or smart idea but another part of you plays with the idea. Stage 1 is the most crucial stage. It often determines how things will play out.
If you’re like me, you may have self-harmed before. I’ve self-harmed for nine years and only the past year has been by cutting. I was plagued by chronic acne at the age of seven… which slowly led to my thinking it was normal to pick at my skin. For me, cutting didn’t seem that bad- after all, I was already scarred. I just didn’t realize how much more damage I could possible cause.
Stage 2: The first few cuts.
If you didn’t get through Stage 1 without a scratch, this is where you should listen up. You’re not doomed to a future of addiction but you could be if you don’t start considering what could happen in this future. You made the first cut and probably felt the release that I felt. The relief. This is the point where you think, it was just this once. It’s not. You’ll probably make a few more cuts and promise yourself, it will just be in that one spot, easy enough to hide.
For me, it was under my watch. I thought I could hide the cuts there, let them heal and I’d be done with it. I also didn’t consider the scars and how I would eventually continue hiding those. At the time, I thought the cuts were the biggest problem. I wasn’t thinking of the long-term (as I’m sure many start out), I was thinking in the moment.
Stage 3: The build-up.
This was when I started wearing long-sleeves all the time. I assumed no one suspected but I later found out that my father had known the entire time. He had trusted me to pull out of it by myself but by this time, it was already becoming very close to too late for that.
Like any release, it is only temporary. It also begins to be harder and harder to achieve each time. That one little spot you decided to confine the self-harm to? It grows. You begin covering up and dressing as though it is the winter when it’s actually 120 degrees (F) outside. Suddenly, it seems like self-harm is your “miracle drug”. However, you start needing to make more cuts/burns/scratches, deeper and more often. Self-harm may look, at this point, to be the coping technique you needed all this time. I will not lie, the release may feel amazing…
But is it WORTH it?
Stage 4: Definite addiction.
The release you thought was worth it begins to dissipate. You don’t just want to self-harm to make the emotional pain go away, you need it. Any coping mechanisms you used to have, are now completely gone. You’ve forgotten about them because they don’t work quite the same way. You become a lot more erratic, your moods may be a lot more volatile and if you can’t get to your tools, you’re a lot more likely to snap.
Self-harm is what I thought about in my spare time. It became my pass-time. If I was bored, that would be what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “cure” for pain anymore, it was my “cure” for everything. I was completely self-destructing. I would do anything to self-harm. Literally, anything. I would try new things all the time to the point people began to wonder how much of a danger to myself I really was.
By this point, you’re like a drug addict. I’m sure you’ve seen the programs on the television or in class at school about how these addicts live their lives, getting by only after that last hit. You may think that self-harming cannot come close but it becomes similar… if not the same. Your body is covered in marks but of a different kind than needle tracks. You’re in pain all the time because of the amount of damage you’ve started causing. Tight pants or leggings? A definite no. Short sleeves and shorts are completely out of the question. You start looking at your wardrobe, wondering if you’re going to be wearing long-sleeved shirts and sweat pants for the rest of your life. That dress you wanted to wear to a party? You think you’ll never be able to look at it again…
And this is where you start re-evaluating. You look at your life. Now you’re looking at the future. You’re craving your tools again but you’re looking at that dress (or for boys, some other article of favourite clothing). You look at your scars then back at the clothing. This is where you decide:
Is this who I am? Can I recover?
What have you chosen? Addiction or recovery?
Help! I’m craving it!
Maybe you’re addiction isn’t on the severe end of the scale but everyone is going to have urges. They nag at the back of your mind. Maybe they never truly go away but they start to fade, just like the scars. Maybe you’ll give in to the urges. Everyone does. That’s okay.
“You only fail if you give up.” – Kathy (Fiction).
You’ll crash and burn. You’ll give in, you’ll relapse and think you’re a complete failure. However, you can do this a hundred times and you won’t fail as long as you try again. Maybe not right away but eventually. Everyone has their moments where they think that they simply can’t do it but I am telling you right now, you can. There are recovered self-harmers out there and I can guarantee they’ll back me up when I say it’s no piece of cake but the freedom at the end of the tunnel is just as delicious.
Professional Treatment and Hospitalization
Professionals are your best bet. You may think that they’re only there to get paid but there are plenty of other careers to choose from than coaxing reluctant addicts away from the blade. They’re there to help you and they want to see you succeed. They’re trained to be there when you doubt yourself and help you continue. They’re trained to teach you to pull yourself back up when you fall.
In severe cases, like mine, hospitalization is sometimes required. I know, even the idea sends your mind into a frenzy. It will be a definite shock compared to how you’re living now. It may be difficult for the first little while but it lets up. Sometimes, the pressure is the kick in the behind that you needed to give you the head start. It’s embarrassing as hell to be in the shower with someone knocking on the door to make sure you’re not trying to beat yourself up in there or having eyes watching you every minute of the day (heck, I was once in a room during my first hospitalization with a door that was locked and you had to buzz to get in and there were security cameras watching me at all times) but it does get better. If you slip up and they start watching you again, that’s okay. After awhile, you get used to it and realize that they’re doing it for your own safety and not to traumatize you. They teach you other ways of coping and help you as you go through a difficult but well worth it withdrawal.
Life Beyond Self-Harm and Addiction
It does exist. You may not be ready to reveal your scars to the world but there are ways to fade them such as Bio Oil, Scar Zone, Mederma, Vitamin E, etc. The feeling when you go out in short sleeves for the first time after your turbulent journey is better than any release you felt from self-harm. People may ask or they may stare but what I’ve learned to do is smile and wave, proving that I’m a regular person just like them. It will be like a weight has been lifted… you’re free.
One of my best friends once said to me: “People go through the shit they do for one reason and one reason only and that is to come out as a stronger person. That stronger person can help others who can then help their own others. Everyone will come out stronger and better.”
I have never once forgotten or doubted those words.
Tips for Recovery:
- Find something you’ve always wanted to learn to do. Make that your new goal. Distract yourself and work on a personal project rather than harming yourself.
- Set yourself a goal or just start counting the days (see the “Non Self Harm Calendar (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=3861)”) and don’t forget to reward yourself at different intervals of your progress.
- Do something like cut out paper snowflakes or paper stars, cutting the paper rather than your skin. If you like burning, light a candle and burn a list of things that are stressing you out (make sure that you can do this safely).
- Isolate your triggers. That won’t solve anything but it will give you a push in the right direction. You may think that once you’re in the addiction stage, the triggers no longer exist but they’re still deep down somewhere with the root of the problem.
- Talk to friends and family. The hardest part of recovery is admitting you need help but people will be there for you once you do.
- Write a diary or draw. Use the pen or pencil to take out your anger/sadness/frustration on the page. Happy about your progress? Record it so that you can look back on it later as a reminder!
- Remind yourself that you are stronger than the addiction. You were a person before it and you can be a person after it.
- And in the words of Ellen DeGeneres: Laugh. Dance. ______ (Whatever you want to put here! Smile, love, sing, read, etc.)
Whether you’ve come to this post because you were considering self-harm or because you’ve already strayed down that path, there are always options. There’s always hope and a chance for something better. Never forget that.
In the words of Albus Dumbledore:
“It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.”
&
“We must try not to sink beneath our anguish but battle on.”
Thank you, Z, for reading this over for me!