LittlePaperStars
July 27th, 2011, 02:47 PM
I started cutting myself about a month ago. Nothing was going right in my life. My soccer coach was really harsh and pressuring, my daily arguments with my mom were getting out of hand, and whatever I said was a big deal. I started noticing how my mom was expecting way too much out of me. I couldn't handle the pressure. Since I'm also a bisexual, my biggest worry was mom disowning me. I got really upset and depressed, and I suddenly didn't feel like doing anything at all. I just wanted to stay enclosed in my room. (At the time, I was thinking hard about what death would be like)
Since summer vacation, and everyone of my friends were gone, I had no one to talk to about this. One day, I got really sad and asked my mom if she'd still love me if I cut. She just said, "My daughter would never cut." A day later, I was in the car waiting for her, and I found a razor. Clean and unused. I stashed it in my purse, and she never notcied it was gone.
I was scared the first time I did it. But I didn't cut my wrist or anything. I cut my fingers; just the tips. Then I moved on to my thumb. I made 3 everyday for a week, and now I can't even count them anymore. When anyone asks me about it, I say my cat did it. (Because she still has nails and bites pretty hard.) But now, I'm used to it, and it doesn't bother me.
The people I've been confiding in have been telling me it's bad. I know it is, but it's also helping me cope with all the situations and bad feelings.
I haven't cut for a few days...maybe five. But it's because mom doesn't like it when I close my bedroom door, and if I go in the bath room and stay too long, she'll get suspicious. I've been trying really hard to keep my mind off of cutting, but no matter how hard I try, the thought is always at the back of my mind.
My best friend is back from vacation and she emailed me that she's read my blog. One of my posts really got to her, and made her really sad for me. The post included a suicide note that I would write out for my parents if they found me unconsious on the floor one day.
So far, she only knows that 'm really depressed and sad. But I plan on telling her and showing her my cuts when we hang out this Friday. I really hope to talk to her alone about this...
So this is my long rant/story. I'm sorry if this is messy; I'm really unorganized.
Oh yeah, my name is Robin, and I'm new. :3
Since summer vacation, and everyone of my friends were gone, I had no one to talk to about this. One day, I got really sad and asked my mom if she'd still love me if I cut. She just said, "My daughter would never cut." A day later, I was in the car waiting for her, and I found a razor. Clean and unused. I stashed it in my purse, and she never notcied it was gone.
I was scared the first time I did it. But I didn't cut my wrist or anything. I cut my fingers; just the tips. Then I moved on to my thumb. I made 3 everyday for a week, and now I can't even count them anymore. When anyone asks me about it, I say my cat did it. (Because she still has nails and bites pretty hard.) But now, I'm used to it, and it doesn't bother me.
The people I've been confiding in have been telling me it's bad. I know it is, but it's also helping me cope with all the situations and bad feelings.
I haven't cut for a few days...maybe five. But it's because mom doesn't like it when I close my bedroom door, and if I go in the bath room and stay too long, she'll get suspicious. I've been trying really hard to keep my mind off of cutting, but no matter how hard I try, the thought is always at the back of my mind.
My best friend is back from vacation and she emailed me that she's read my blog. One of my posts really got to her, and made her really sad for me. The post included a suicide note that I would write out for my parents if they found me unconsious on the floor one day.
So far, she only knows that 'm really depressed and sad. But I plan on telling her and showing her my cuts when we hang out this Friday. I really hope to talk to her alone about this...
So this is my long rant/story. I'm sorry if this is messy; I'm really unorganized.
Oh yeah, my name is Robin, and I'm new. :3