Confused...

[hollytree]

Hi...wow I can't believe I am writing this. Basically I am an 18 year old (turn 19 in about 10 days) female. And I keep getting confused and freaking myself out about my sexuality.

The thing is, I am not your typical girl...I suppose I am quite attractive :S and have had interest from boys from about Year 10 but had little confidence in that department before then as I was bullied by them...I have kissed a LOT of guys (and a few girls but only ever in spin the bottle) for some reason have never had a boyfriend as no-one has ever felt right... So, yes, I am a virgin. And this is not something I am ashamed of, I am actually quite proud but...I feel it is making the whole issue of my sexuality a whole lot harder.

I know I am attracted to men... And I have read a lot of people saying that they go through phases where it's like 'yep, I like men, what were you thinking before', and then for like a week you are worried and stressed and fretting that maybe you're not- and that's exactly like me. I suppose I start questioning myself 'You're nearly 19...why haven't you ever had a boyfriend' and I get similar comments from my family and my younger sister who has now been in a relationship for a year and half..and though it is said in jest...it makes me worry.

Sometimes when I am kissing a guy or whatever this annoying voice in my head is like 'are you really enjoying this though? are you sure you don't like girls?' but I can't explain it... it's like I'm doing it on purpose and i am just like argghhh why are you even thinking that you idiot just go away stupid annoying thoughts- cos you're in the moment and everything. Because I genuinely am attracted to guys..I just don't know why I have never felt comfortable enough to sleep with one.

As I am writing this I think I have two issues as it were that I am trying to figure out simultaneously. One issue is that I am paranoid about my lack of boyfriend well, EVER, and the other is that this coincides with little jokey comments from family and friends about me 'surely being a lesbian' etc etc BECAUSE of my lack of bf. I mean, I am the girliest girl ever...and outrageously flirt with guys, and am attracted to guys. But the comments sometimes make me think in my mind "Well would I like it with a girl?" and sometimes when I think about it, it scares me that I am not utterly repulsed by it. I mean..I never let myself think farther enough to actually enjoy it because that scares me that I might. Yet I can think about guys and easily get aroused. Oh and if you think I might just frigid or whatever it really isnt that..I have felt ready for sex for aggeesss now..but felt that because I have waited so long it would be pointless to just lose it to someone pointlessy. Maybe I just should...

Sometimes I think well it's probably the hormones...loads of teenagers experiment when they are young and are just curious. Maybe that's what I am- curious. And I don't mind that. I just don't want to be gay. And if I am just an 'experimenting, curious teenageer' I don't want my first time to be with a girl...and I feel under some sort pressure to find a guy because of my age...which in turn makes me less myself around them and nervous.

This is really hard for me to write down..because it makes it more real. I really hope someone has some advice or similar experiences...no one else that I've read is in my position, at my age, but is also still a virgin. If you are or were, please write to me...I am very confused and distressed. (Yet at other times I am totally sure of myself?! Arrhh help!)

[TtotheC]

Okay so this all is gonna come from a guy who is sexually confused/obsessed himself, but everything's gonna come from a good heart and i hope i could help u out a bit ;)

First off i think it's great that you're still a virgin!!:) It's good to save it for "that special someone" you know? But yeah i am aware that this could complicate your sexuality even further if you haven't experienced real sex yet.

Now i think it's completely fine that you haven't had a boyfriend yet. What's wrong with that?:) There's this huge stereotype that all teenagers should've had their boy or girlfriend already before adulthood, but that's not always the case. But it's good to know that you are attracted to men, right?:) That's one thing you need to know, before you even think about that you may be a lesbian.

The little voice in your head while you're kissing sounds familiar, it's simply explained though that the boy you're kissing at that moment is probably not really someone special! Everything becomes a lot more enjoyable when it really means something. And it's probably the same reason that you haven't slept with anyone yet. I personally think it's stupid, everyone just goes around sleeping with this or that person, i believe that your first time should be special, with someone you actually love. Nothing to worry about, that lil' annoying voice, when that special guy comes along, you'll know for sure:).

I see you've kinda got the same scare as i do, i think to myself the same, "would i like it with a guy"? But what you have to try and keep in mind that there's nothing that can force you into doing something with the same sex. Nothing! If you dont want to, you simply, just, dont. I Believe that noone here can tell you what you are though, that's for you to figure out yourself! But to me, you really dont sound lesbian, or bisexual even :P. You're just being curious about it, because you haven't had the real thing with a guy yet, leading into you thinking: "hey! what if i'd like it with a girl?". Even if you did enjoy kissing a girl, that wouldn't even matter because you dont sound interested in girls period, meaning you'd still be straight. You could kiss a man-eating plant and like it for all i care, ur still gonna be straight. It's all about who you want to be with.

You said you're easily aroused by guys, sounds to me like you've DEFINITELY got attraction to men, so what i'd do if i were you is just wait till you find a guy that you really like, that you would want to date and spend a large amount of time with. That's number one, make sure the guy is special to you before you lose your virginity to him. I know it can be hard to hold out, but keep faith and hope :).

I really hope this helped a bit, i know how hard this stage of life is, i truly do.. If you need more help or need to chat, just drop me a message on my page :).

[Kujiro]

From the way you displayed your scenario, I would give a huge assumption on your sexuality that you are pretty straight.
What you are going thru which brings about your doubts are likely, the lacknof a male partner, and the tinted perceptions of people teasing you for not having a boyfriend.

I would not ask what's the expectations of your ideal guy, but it could help if you lower them a little and the spectrum will be boarder.

It does take a long time for some to find their mr right, for some whom are lucky, they find them relatively early in their lives.
Its applauding in which you intend to keep it till the deserving one arrives, not many are able to pull it off.

As for the jokey comments from friends, I suppose there's no way we can stop them except by telling them it's not a nice thing they are doing.
I'm sure the truest of friends would understand.

Just remind yourself that your goals are clear, and it does take time to reach it.
It's a journey not a destination. And the trials and troubles you take to arrive will mature you, psychologically and emotionally.

Best of luck
Cheers
*smile*

[Schizothemia]

I think this is in need of a two front approach on your end. (Well three, but the third is something I mention to a lot of people with this issue because labels do a lot to the psychology of sexuality.)

Firstly, give yourself time to find the right guy. You sound as though you are thoroughly attracted to males, but just haven't found the right guy, give it time girlfriend! Not every guy is a hook, line and sinker, but there are plenty of great guys out there! You just need to give it time.

Secondly, a lot of the issue I see stems from the fact that you think you have an attraction to girls and whether thats due to not having a boyfriend or a literal attraction to women and there's only one way to figure that out: to experiment! Get in a relationship with a girl or two, or whatever it takes to help you understand more of your sexuality.

Lastly, don't think of your sexuality as a set in stone thing where you HAVE to be either this or that. Think of it as a spectrum, that slides along the liking of men and women and take this time to figure out where you are on that spectrum and learn to embrace it! Learn to love yourself and give yourself the time to figure this out!

[hollytree]

Thank you for your responses guys...

I think you're all right in saying I haven't found the right person yet...and the second responder may have touched on something about me lowering my expectations. I don't know...I suppose I am looking for Mr.Perfect, and though I know he doesn't exist..I can always find a reason in a guy to not be with them. It's almost like I am waiting for them to not be right for me- I always notice the negatives first- search for them you could even say...and I need to snap out of it. I also find it hard to let my guard down...I like a guy to be more into me than I am into them...maybe that's where I am going wrong...

But then I think...well is that because no guy is right for me? And I actually like girls? Arggh. I wish this was all just simple. Sigggh.

And to the third responder- you said I should experiment etc but I don't really want that to be my first full on sexual experience if you get me? I mean, I've done pretty much everything but sex with guys...but I don't want to with a girl I suppose. And maybe the fact I don't want to means I am not lesbian or bi?

Now that I have finally written these thoughts out, and I know they are being read it's been on my mind a lot. All I want is for it to be clear, and for the perfect man to come along tomorrow, to almost prove to myself that yes I am not into girls... But that's not going to happen.

:confused:

[Sakura495]

i believe in the concept of virgin til marrige. Like edward cullen. :cool:

[EastsideStoner]

Wow this totally reminds me of myself. Check out my post I made you will see the similarities. But from what I heard in help for me is that I haven't really experienced the other sex. That is why I keep having these homosexual thoughts, fantasies, and guilt. So do what I'm going to do, and that is going to be patient. It's hard for me to be patient as it probably is for you cause we couldn't really have a relationship yet, but that is probably the best strategy right now. I'm glad you wrote this so I see people feel the same way. Keep me updated on how things are going.

[tennisalbue]

WOW Do you like 14 too :eek: (jk):D have crush on 10 year old is ok just "dont do anything with them" ;) :P

[Schizothemia]

And to the third responder- you said I should experiment etc but I don't really want that to be my first full on sexual experience if you get me? I mean, I've done pretty much everything but sex with guys...but I don't want to with a girl I suppose. And maybe the fact I don't want to means I am not lesbian or bi?


The reasoned why I mentioned experimentation was because you only have to ever take it as far as you want to. It would never have to lead to anything sexual. My reasoning for recommending it was to just see if you could even establish an emotional relationship with someone of the same sex since it's proving hard for you to do so with the opposite sex.

The other benefit of experimenting like I touched on earlier is that it would only go as far as you wanted it to. You could be up front with the person about how you feel and I'm sure they would understand.

But overall, I would ultimately say not to worry about what your sexuality is. Love who you love and if you haven't met them yet so be it, I'm an advocate for experimentation because it opens so many doors for people and helps them understand more about themselves. In experimenting its never about the destination, it's the journey. Ya know?