Iris
July 25th, 2011, 04:16 PM
I went to one of my psychologists today, and basically decided to tell him everything, all my darkest secrets, because I desperately want to get better. I told him I'm an atheist, that I cut every day etc. And I told him about a situation in my past that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I don't know what to call what happened, and it's been eating away at me. I'm hoping some of you can help me figure it out. So here goes:
I was 11. I was a sweet, innocent kid. I didn't even know what the word sex meant back then. Anyway my brother had a friend (who was also my then-best friend's brother), who at that point was 15, and completely sex crazed. I live in a very sexually repressed society, where you're not supposed to talk to the opposite sex, not allowed to touch them, not even allowed to go to the same school as them after pre-school. So many teens tried to secretly get some kind of sexual gratification any way they could. There is a lot of incest going on around here. My brother's friend was no exception. Except that he widened his spectrum to more than just his sister, and found me. He started stopping me in my house when my brother invited him over (which was a lot) and pressuring me to let him touch me. I didn't understand why back then.
After a few weeks of constantly pushing me I let him touch me. It was mostly my (practically nonexistent) breasts. It made me feel awkward and embarrassed and I really had to pressure him to let me go once he got started. But he wouldn't let up and constantly pushed me to let him touch me again. And I let him, even though I didn't really want to. Sometimes I closed my eyes and made believe I was just getting a massage on a peaceful sunny beach, which made it ok. Those times it was even pleasant (I always liked massages). But then I'd come back to reality when he was done and I'd feel so incredibly ashamed. I didn't understand why he wanted to do this so badly, I just knew that he shouldn't.
Slowly he started touching more and more of me and it made me really uncomfortable, but I didn't stop him. Until once when he reached down really far and touched me um "down there" and I completely freaked out, threw a fit, and kicked him out. I never let him near me again since then. I stopped talking to him. I still see him around a lot, but we both act like all this stuff hadn't happened. I'm too ashamed to ever speak of it.
I've never told anyone except today, at my psychologist's. He told me he had to make believe I hadn't told him, as he is supposed to report this kind of stuff. Which got me to thinking about it even more. Was I abused? I mean it's not like I was kicking and screaming, or begging him to stop. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't realize it was sexual. I didn't know what sexual meant. It felt weird, and embarrassing, but I didn't really know what was wrong about it. I guessed that it was wrong, having to sneak around and not being allowed to tell anyone as well as the inexplicable feel of shame that followed. But idk. I just want to give it a name. Was that abuse? Or am I completely overreacting??
I was 11. I was a sweet, innocent kid. I didn't even know what the word sex meant back then. Anyway my brother had a friend (who was also my then-best friend's brother), who at that point was 15, and completely sex crazed. I live in a very sexually repressed society, where you're not supposed to talk to the opposite sex, not allowed to touch them, not even allowed to go to the same school as them after pre-school. So many teens tried to secretly get some kind of sexual gratification any way they could. There is a lot of incest going on around here. My brother's friend was no exception. Except that he widened his spectrum to more than just his sister, and found me. He started stopping me in my house when my brother invited him over (which was a lot) and pressuring me to let him touch me. I didn't understand why back then.
After a few weeks of constantly pushing me I let him touch me. It was mostly my (practically nonexistent) breasts. It made me feel awkward and embarrassed and I really had to pressure him to let me go once he got started. But he wouldn't let up and constantly pushed me to let him touch me again. And I let him, even though I didn't really want to. Sometimes I closed my eyes and made believe I was just getting a massage on a peaceful sunny beach, which made it ok. Those times it was even pleasant (I always liked massages). But then I'd come back to reality when he was done and I'd feel so incredibly ashamed. I didn't understand why he wanted to do this so badly, I just knew that he shouldn't.
Slowly he started touching more and more of me and it made me really uncomfortable, but I didn't stop him. Until once when he reached down really far and touched me um "down there" and I completely freaked out, threw a fit, and kicked him out. I never let him near me again since then. I stopped talking to him. I still see him around a lot, but we both act like all this stuff hadn't happened. I'm too ashamed to ever speak of it.
I've never told anyone except today, at my psychologist's. He told me he had to make believe I hadn't told him, as he is supposed to report this kind of stuff. Which got me to thinking about it even more. Was I abused? I mean it's not like I was kicking and screaming, or begging him to stop. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't realize it was sexual. I didn't know what sexual meant. It felt weird, and embarrassing, but I didn't really know what was wrong about it. I guessed that it was wrong, having to sneak around and not being allowed to tell anyone as well as the inexplicable feel of shame that followed. But idk. I just want to give it a name. Was that abuse? Or am I completely overreacting??