When does this end?

[Magenta]

When does the therapy, medication and prayers finally work? I'm giving up on myself. I'm not worth it to really do much more.

I've lost all hope in almost everything. I'm beginning to think that no one would notice if I were gone. I quit therapy because it was doing nothing. Long story short, it's not for me so please don't suggest going back. My medication is helping the highs but not the lows and I'm scared to increase it because I hate feeling reliant on the pills. I'm running out of options. I'm sick of being the girl who cuts, who starves, who can't be perfect. I'm sick of being the girl I promised everyone I'd never be. I can no longer look in the mirror and see someone who smiles prettily. I see someone with bags under her eyes, I see someone thin and exhausted. Miserable, cut up and scarred.

I don't think I could kill myself and that hurts the most. If I finally gave up, the worst is that I'd be catatonic. I've lost everyone, I'm completely alone and I even wonder if posting here is a futile attempt at reminding myself the world still knows I exist.

I'm just going to self-destruct until it finally kills me. It's all I can do right now to fight. It's not the best way to fight since it's killing me anyway but I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm scared to go through more of this. I've always been depressed but the past year and a half has been the worst. People who say they've been through this for almost ten years... I can't even imagine that. If that becomes me... I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Well, this was pointless.

[Njathind]

I'm sorry your going through such a bad time hun :hug:

But if you dont wanna end up like the people you have heard about, I really think you should have a long hard think about therapy. What exactly was it about the therapy that didnt make it work for you? I think, if you can you need to sit down and have a long hard think, and make a list of everything you felt didnt work for you and anything that did.

Then maybe go back to your therapist and sit down with them and discuss what you have thought about?

[Magenta]

The issue with therapy for me was that talking didn't help. I didn't come away with anything but an even worse feeling in my chest. It was like being strangled by my own guilt. When it comes down to it, nothing has triggered my depression. Everything bad that happens to me is caused by me and therapy only helps remind me of how terrible I am.

I'm not the type of person who can get help through talking. Talking makes things about ten times worse for me. Medication was my last resort and even that isn't working. I was hoping it would but... that's not my luck. Therapy is a waste of everyone's time and money. I've seen four therapists... I'm on my fourth psychiatrist... been an inpatient twice... been to the ER twice. I'm just not someone worth saving.

I'm just wondering when this is finally going to end.

EDIT: After tonight, it's official, I'm only here for one reason. That is to be miserable. No matter what I do, people are always going to hate me, abandon me, betray my trust, tear me to pieces, kick me when I'm already so far down already. I can't explain why I can't kill myself... but I'm wishing something would kill me. If the universe could just take a turn in that direction. I'm ready to die. I'm not here for any good purpose. 16 years is long enough. It's too long. I wasn't supposed to live past 15 and I missed my only chance to do it. Fuck.

[dead]

You probably can't kill yourself because you're too depressed. I know that may sound absurd, but you may feel like its even pointless to try to kill yourself. No matter what happens it may feel like, things just are fucking pointless because of people and the world. Honestly, how I get by is music, does that help me at all not? Not really, but at least I can't hear the rest of the world.

[Magenta]

That's kind of true. I know that if I tried to kill myself, I'd mess up like with everything else. I believe I must have done something that warrants my pathetic existence. Like... I'm not one for self-pity but I can't see any other reason as to why I'm still here. No one would notice if I went away forever. It could be like I was dead but I'd still be here for no reason other than to take up space.

Maybe I did something in a past life and this is punishment. I feel so lost. Like I was never put here to be anyone in the first place. I feel like I'll never succeed at anything. I feel like I'm breathing someone else's air. I know I'd mess up but maybe I should try just in case?

[Acta Sanctorum]

Honestly, how I get by is music, does that help me at all not? Not really, but at least I can't hear the rest of the world.
x2!! Last summer I had a mental break down. Since then I've come to realize that the only thing you can make worthwhile in this world is what you want. I found out what I wanted by staying up for 3 days straight in which some would called 'meditating'. But really all I was doing was thinking about everything that ever mattered to me and how good that those people or things used to make me feel. You need a rock. A rock to hold onto. And don't say there isn't one because there is. I know exactly how you feel about therapy and if you don't like it, you don't like it, so don't do it. I hope you understand the method to my madness in this post.
With care,
Ryan

[Magenta]

I do see your method within the madness. Don't worry, that's often how I post.

I guess... I just keep thinking something is my rock and then it slips away and I'm scrambling to find another one. The only constant is my cat, as pathetic as that is. She's my whole world. She's the only friend that seems to love me unconditionally. Then again, she can't really tell me otherwise as far as I know...

[dead]

Hell, the closest person to me is Bird, who is my familys bird, he's the person who loves me most and for the longest time. If you need to talk to pass the time, I'm on skype and MSN literally 24/7.

[Magenta]

Thank you. I'm trying to avoid being a bother to anyone again though.

[Acta Sanctorum]

I do see your method within the madness. Don't worry, that's often how I post.

I guess... I just keep thinking something is my rock and then it slips away and I'm scrambling to find another one. The only constant is my cat, as pathetic as that is. She's my whole world. She's the only friend that seems to love me unconditionally. Then again, she can't really tell me otherwise as far as I know...

That's not pathetic, nor should you put yourself down. Maybe I should tell you what I found my rock to be. Mine is self improvement. I constantly keep myself learning, reading, running, etc.. You see, you were born out of the millions of other people that could've been. You are here for a reason. One no human can fathom.

[dead]

Thats the thing, I would like to be bothered.

[Magenta]

That's not pathetic, nor should you put yourself down. Maybe I should tell you what I found my rock to be. Mine is self improvement. I constantly keep myself learning, reading, running, etc.. You see, you were born out of the millions of other people that could've been. You are here for a reason. One no human can fathom.

I suppose so. I've been putting myself down since I was a little kid. Other people did it so I thought it was okay... I don't really see otherwise now. I can't see that reason and if I'm not supposed to be able to even fathom it... well, that scares me because it's just more not knowing. Not knowing if I'll keep living in this misery, not knowing if maybe a bus will hit me tomorrow and put me out of my misery.

The universe made a mistake. Someone else should have been born, not me.

And Dead... thanks but you really don't. I'm not worth it. As a friend just said, it's a relief to be rid of me after you really get to know me. Ah well.

[dead]

I do, honestly. Plus any social interaction makes things easier, I'm not very good at getting people not to hate me.

[Acta Sanctorum]

I suppose so. I've been putting myself down since I was a little kid. Other people did it so I thought it was okay... I don't really see otherwise now. I can't see that reason and if I'm not supposed to be able to even fathom it... well, that scares me because it's just more not knowing. Not knowing if I'll keep living in this misery, not knowing if maybe a bus will hit me tomorrow and put me out of my misery.

The universe made a mistake. Someone else should have been born, not me.

And Dead... thanks but you really don't. I'm not worth it. As a friend just said, it's a relief to be rid of me after you really get to know me. Ah well.

You were suppose to be born. You are here. You need to stop worrying about other people and focus on yourself! Live for today. For the second of this minute.

[Magenta]

I may just go curl up in bed and take my medication that knocks me out and pray not to wake up tomorrow. Thanks for all your replies.

[Acta Sanctorum]

I may just go curl up in bed and take my medication that knocks me out and pray not to wake up tomorrow. Thanks for all your replies.

Screw meds. Don't take em.

[Magenta]

Screw meds. Don't take em.

Eh, I have to or I'll likely end up with some high as a kite mood which is scarier than this. At least I'm used to being at rock bottom. That and it'll make me sick.

EDIT: I still feel no better. Found out that my life is worth basically nothing. That everything I was told was a lie... :/

[Amaryllis]

I wish I could give you a hug.

If it helps, I quit therapy too. I just don't think it helps. It's funny cause 2 years ago I begged my mom to let me go see a psych and she got so angry, she threw me out of the car. Now SHE wants me to go. Therapy's not for everyone. I don't find talking about my problems help or even that I can tall about everything I feel. And sometimes, on that particular day, I just don't feel "down enough" to talk about my pains.

It's not good to be reliant on medication, I agree. One time I stopped and everything went haywire. You can't rely on it for the rest of your life. But while you still feel that you are extremely unstable and you can't cope, you should. I don't know HOW it got better or WHEN. But it did, for me. When they bingeing first started, it was horrid, I felt that it was worst that starving. But now, after months of it, I'm growing to be more "whatever" about my size. I just really don't anymore. I hardly ever check the calories of anything. I'm not asking you to binge but I just want you to know it does get better.

I've been depressed for 7 years but I was only quite recently diagnosed with "manic depression". I find that venting in my diary helps. Helping others does too. When you write in your diary, it's like all the conflicting emotions within you just runs out. And like I said in my "Guide to EDs" thread, folding paper stars help. Or just rewarding yourself when you do something good.

And you know, a big, stubborn tree will break in the wind, but a flexible tree will just bend with it. It's okay to feel okay and it's okay to cry and vent and scream. We all have our days. During your highs and lows, you might not be able to stop it but just be aware of it. Tell yourself "I'm having a bad day" or "I'm thinking irrationally" and know it will pass.

Remember, what may seem impossible today, may not be so hard tomorrow.

Love,
Faith And Trust

[Magenta]

I only just saw this and it's a bit late because things have been looking up even a micrometer compared to before but it was good to read as a reminder. As usual, thank you, Z. :)