bambino
July 23rd, 2011, 08:07 AM
To all the beautiful users of VT
I've written this 'letter' on 23 July, sitting at my computer with a glass of tropicana and so much to say and no idea how to express it all. I don't know if you're going to skim read this, or not read it at all- intent on finding 'tips' or somewhere to vent about your family being awfully mean and trying to make you eat. If you are in that frame of mind, this might not help you- but please, read on either way.
My name isn't Cat, my real name is Amber. I'm 18 and I live in the UK. I've struggled with my eating for a couple of years now, and I know the pull of Anorexia*
One of my best friends has suffered with an ED for almost 3 years. And so that's where a wealth of my experience comes from. Prior to her developing Anorexia I was struggling with BDD and so my own eating was erratic [thats Body Dysmorphic Disorder and often accompanies ED]
My friend began dieting, it became an ED. All of her friends became desperate to get her to eat. Always checking on her, trying to encourage her at meal times. She soon dropped well below a healthy BMI, she was given a crisis team which is a group of 4-5 mental health professionals who would see her everyday. She stopped coming to college.
When she evetually went into hospital her BMI was around 13. She went to a cardiac unit [thats for hearts] because they were scared she would have heart failure. They moved her to an ED clinic. She wasn't allowed to walk, they put her in a wheelchair, she had to have a nurse accompany her constantly and they told us her organs were a third of their original size and that bone marrow was missing from her spine because her body had begun eating itself, her heart could fail at any moment.
skinny means even more depressed than what you are right now. I absolutely despise myself. I want to be what I was BEFORE anorexia [...] Anorexia is evil. It is a lose-lose battle. You win nothing [...] When you don't eat, you grow weak. Too weak to talk, laugh, study, live. You slowly become obsessed with food. So obsessed you don't care about anything else [...] You won't be able to concentrate on anything but food, people will grow tired of you and your grades will plummet. You'll grow to hate yourself, everyone and life more than you already do [...]if you choose to go down the path I did, you will never be happy ~ FaithAndTrust [Anorexia sufferer]
An ED is not control, it controls YOU.
What most people don't realise in the early stages of anorexia, is that once you are actually as thin as you wanted- you will be too ill to get out of your bed and live, no-one will see you looking thin, no-one will want to see you because by this point you will hardly have any friends left, you're left alone on 'bed rest' they call it to stop you burning any more calories, you have a nurse take you to the bathroom [yes, they have to watch you urinate], they wake you up every hour through the night to take your blood pressure and make sure your heart hasn't failed. You spend your waking hours crying and wishing you were dead. And guess what. You still don't think you're thin enough.
I messaged a pretty girl on VT who said she wanted an ED. She said everyone thought she was ugly and she hated herself, she just wanted to be 'dateable' and for boys to like her.
People will ridicule you no matter WHAT you are, Pim. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, "average", fat, skinny, stupid or smart, mean or nice, they will do whatever the bloody hell they want. Don't wait to be accepted, accept yourself first~ FaithAndTrust
people will be cruel, and put you down. There's not a person alive who hasn't been put down at one point in their life. So why should how you look define you? Being a kind hearted, selfless person is far more valuable. Pretty is as pretty does.
Why should everything about you, all your value as a person be based on what you look like? I don't think its right that happiness correlates directly to whether you can fit in with some unattainable standard the media forced on you.
Why is it so important to you to be 'dateable'? Why is your self worth so wrapped up in how the male sex percieves you, the only person who's opinion of you you should care about - is your own.
Because like I said, you're the one that has to live with the person you decided to become and the choices you made. There is more to life than being somebodys girlfriend, and there is more to life than being 'hot' or 'skinny'. Love is not finding the perfect person, its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Beauty, beauty is shining hair, glowing skin and bright eyes, beauty is enjoying life and enjoying your body, enjoying food and the swell of a full stomach and laughing and being kind and kisses and hugs and how you look at the people you love and making people smile and being a shoulder to cry on and wiping a tear from your friends cheek and dancing to music in the sun and beauty- beauty is so much more than what the media tell you it is.
>if you are a loving person people will love you
>if you have an ugly heart nothing will make you beautiful
>looks fade but you will have to live with your decisions, and who you decided to become forever
>if you agree to an ED you agree to stop loving your friends and family because there's no room for love, there's only room for Ana and no matter how badly you are hurting the people that care about you- you won't stop
>what you have to give up to fit in with the pressures society placed on you, will haunt you always
>Anorexia is a death warrant and worst of all, it makes you think you deserve to die
If you carry on with this idea, you'll pray for the days when you were a healthy pretty girl* with her whole life ahead of her. And who's happiness doesn't rely on a number on the scales, and who wishes, like so many [FaithAndTrust included] that they had never begun.
If you are already in the grips of anorexia or another ED, tell your parents, tell your friends, tell your doctor and be ready to fight it. It is a part of you which needs fighting against, and every victory no matter how small will set you free a little bit more.
All my Love
Amber
EDIT: * I have addressed this mainly to female users and I apologize, but I'm speaking for the majority- but this is still for everyone, male or female
*I'm going to use this term to include Bulimia and EDNOS
I've written this 'letter' on 23 July, sitting at my computer with a glass of tropicana and so much to say and no idea how to express it all. I don't know if you're going to skim read this, or not read it at all- intent on finding 'tips' or somewhere to vent about your family being awfully mean and trying to make you eat. If you are in that frame of mind, this might not help you- but please, read on either way.
My name isn't Cat, my real name is Amber. I'm 18 and I live in the UK. I've struggled with my eating for a couple of years now, and I know the pull of Anorexia*
One of my best friends has suffered with an ED for almost 3 years. And so that's where a wealth of my experience comes from. Prior to her developing Anorexia I was struggling with BDD and so my own eating was erratic [thats Body Dysmorphic Disorder and often accompanies ED]
My friend began dieting, it became an ED. All of her friends became desperate to get her to eat. Always checking on her, trying to encourage her at meal times. She soon dropped well below a healthy BMI, she was given a crisis team which is a group of 4-5 mental health professionals who would see her everyday. She stopped coming to college.
When she evetually went into hospital her BMI was around 13. She went to a cardiac unit [thats for hearts] because they were scared she would have heart failure. They moved her to an ED clinic. She wasn't allowed to walk, they put her in a wheelchair, she had to have a nurse accompany her constantly and they told us her organs were a third of their original size and that bone marrow was missing from her spine because her body had begun eating itself, her heart could fail at any moment.
skinny means even more depressed than what you are right now. I absolutely despise myself. I want to be what I was BEFORE anorexia [...] Anorexia is evil. It is a lose-lose battle. You win nothing [...] When you don't eat, you grow weak. Too weak to talk, laugh, study, live. You slowly become obsessed with food. So obsessed you don't care about anything else [...] You won't be able to concentrate on anything but food, people will grow tired of you and your grades will plummet. You'll grow to hate yourself, everyone and life more than you already do [...]if you choose to go down the path I did, you will never be happy ~ FaithAndTrust [Anorexia sufferer]
An ED is not control, it controls YOU.
What most people don't realise in the early stages of anorexia, is that once you are actually as thin as you wanted- you will be too ill to get out of your bed and live, no-one will see you looking thin, no-one will want to see you because by this point you will hardly have any friends left, you're left alone on 'bed rest' they call it to stop you burning any more calories, you have a nurse take you to the bathroom [yes, they have to watch you urinate], they wake you up every hour through the night to take your blood pressure and make sure your heart hasn't failed. You spend your waking hours crying and wishing you were dead. And guess what. You still don't think you're thin enough.
I messaged a pretty girl on VT who said she wanted an ED. She said everyone thought she was ugly and she hated herself, she just wanted to be 'dateable' and for boys to like her.
People will ridicule you no matter WHAT you are, Pim. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, "average", fat, skinny, stupid or smart, mean or nice, they will do whatever the bloody hell they want. Don't wait to be accepted, accept yourself first~ FaithAndTrust
people will be cruel, and put you down. There's not a person alive who hasn't been put down at one point in their life. So why should how you look define you? Being a kind hearted, selfless person is far more valuable. Pretty is as pretty does.
Why should everything about you, all your value as a person be based on what you look like? I don't think its right that happiness correlates directly to whether you can fit in with some unattainable standard the media forced on you.
Why is it so important to you to be 'dateable'? Why is your self worth so wrapped up in how the male sex percieves you, the only person who's opinion of you you should care about - is your own.
Because like I said, you're the one that has to live with the person you decided to become and the choices you made. There is more to life than being somebodys girlfriend, and there is more to life than being 'hot' or 'skinny'. Love is not finding the perfect person, its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Beauty, beauty is shining hair, glowing skin and bright eyes, beauty is enjoying life and enjoying your body, enjoying food and the swell of a full stomach and laughing and being kind and kisses and hugs and how you look at the people you love and making people smile and being a shoulder to cry on and wiping a tear from your friends cheek and dancing to music in the sun and beauty- beauty is so much more than what the media tell you it is.
>if you are a loving person people will love you
>if you have an ugly heart nothing will make you beautiful
>looks fade but you will have to live with your decisions, and who you decided to become forever
>if you agree to an ED you agree to stop loving your friends and family because there's no room for love, there's only room for Ana and no matter how badly you are hurting the people that care about you- you won't stop
>what you have to give up to fit in with the pressures society placed on you, will haunt you always
>Anorexia is a death warrant and worst of all, it makes you think you deserve to die
If you carry on with this idea, you'll pray for the days when you were a healthy pretty girl* with her whole life ahead of her. And who's happiness doesn't rely on a number on the scales, and who wishes, like so many [FaithAndTrust included] that they had never begun.
If you are already in the grips of anorexia or another ED, tell your parents, tell your friends, tell your doctor and be ready to fight it. It is a part of you which needs fighting against, and every victory no matter how small will set you free a little bit more.
All my Love
Amber
EDIT: * I have addressed this mainly to female users and I apologize, but I'm speaking for the majority- but this is still for everyone, male or female
*I'm going to use this term to include Bulimia and EDNOS