When will it change?

[Aceso]

I haven't eaten for 2 days...and I like it, at the same time I hate it. I can't break free. Part of telling me is just to starve to death...another is telling me to just not eat until I become skin and bone....But none of me is telling me to break free which is what I want. I need help. I feel so suicidal right now and my mind is already carrying out the plan. :(
105Ib's.....when will it get better? :(

[bambino]

hey hannah, are you seeing any mental health professionals?
and have you heard of 'Beat' the charity for eating disorders, they have a useful website. Similarly, my friend is a recovering anorexic and has a good blog:http://anorexictoplussizemodel.blogspot.com/

Things will only change when you're ready to make the first step towards getting better

[Lethe]

What do you want? Do you want to be skin and bones or do you want to be healthy?

I'd love to be your weight. 105 is impossible for me though because I have big ugly bones. Consider yourself lucky, being as thin as you are. You're too thin, but it's better than being like me, for example.

[Aceso]

4 hours of exercise, and 1,300 calories burnt later. The sad thing is the only reason I'm not attempting suicide right now is because I want to die already looking like a skeleton.
I hate this. I hate my fucking mind for making me think like this. I want to just stop. :(
I'm seeing CAMHS and Urgent Help....but I don't know if they're helping me or not. They help when I'm with them but as soon as they leave I'm back to all this... :(

[bambino]

If you contact your GP and tell them about your suicidal feelings they can get together a crisis team. Which is about 4 professionals who see you every day and keep an eye on your progress, if you struggle with the disorder most when you're alone this might be a better approach for you

[Aceso]

If you contact your GP and tell them about your suicidal feelings they can get together a crisis team. Which is about 4 professionals who see you every day and keep an eye on your progress, if you struggle with the disorder most when you're alone this might be a better approach for you

Impossible, my parents would kick off. :( It sounds like an amazing idea and I wish I could. I'll take a look at the website though, that looks good. Thank you, I really appreciate your advice.

And lethe - you are really pretty, I looked at your album and you don't need to loose weight, you are really beautiful. <3 I'm big-boned too, and it's very hard for me to loose weight because I have a naturally slow metabolism. :( And I want to be healthy, but my mind is screaming 'skin and bones.'

I hate this. I hate it so much. :(

[Lethe]

I too have a very slow metabolism. Probably one of the slowest you can have. Plus I'm big-boned, so having extra weight on me doesn't make me look vibrant or feminine or healthy, it makes me look disgusting. I have stretch marks all over my legs, thighs, hips, breasts and even my stomach, and it's gross on top of at least 20lbs of excess fat. You are the lucky one, you have lost a lot of weight and you don't have that problem. Being skin and bones for me would look healthy and normal.

[Aceso]

I too have a very slow metabolism. Probably one of the slowest you can have. Plus I'm big-boned, so having extra weight on me doesn't make me look vibrant or feminine or healthy, it makes me look disgusting. I have stretch marks all over my legs, thighs, hips, breasts and even my stomach, and it's gross on top of at least 20lbs of excess fat. You are the lucky one, you have lost a lot of weight and you don't have that problem. Being skin and bones for me would look healthy and normal.


I agree with you on the lack of feminine-ness, I am what you would call a rather large pear-shape. I have stretch marks on the front and inner of my upper thighs, and for some reason my lower stomach sticks out a lot more than usual. :( I just hope someday they will go and I can be happy. And sadly, I agree with you on the skin and bones bit. :(

[Lethe]

Well my face is ugly too, that takes away from femininity as well, plus the glasses of course. Someone said I'm hourglass shaped, but I'm not. I'm more pear or apple, but without as many curves because I'm so fat, and because of the stretch marks.

My stomach sticks out a lot, and with my wide shoulders, well...I'm just gross and big and disgusting. Only lipo and plastic surgery could ever fix me enough to be presentable to the public. I'd rather be big-shouldered and skin and bones than be the way I am. Although I wish I didn't have big shoulders. I might be more attractive.

You don't need to lose weight. You're underweight, you are unhealthy. There's a difference between a healthy weight and being underweight.

[Amaryllis]

I said this in another forum and I'll say it here too. I don't know if the consequences will help you but...

When you don't eat, you grow weak. Too weak to talk, laugh, study, live. You slowly become obsessed with food. So obsessed you don't care about anything else. It's like a starving man yearning for food. Your head might say you don't want it but trust me, your body does. You won't be able to concentrate on anything but food, people will grow tired of you and your grades will plummet. You won't want anything because all your body wants is food. You'll grow to hate yourself, everyone and life more than you already do.

Your hair will fall. I had beautiful thick dark hair. Now I hardly have any. You wi screw up your metabolism. Your skin will dry and shrivel. You will puke your guts out and everyday will be a living hell. You will be in pain. You will feel your body burning itself for fuel. Believe me, the pain of your body eating itself and your organs shutting down is unbearable. Your eyes will be permanently damaged and you will not be able to keep them open or cry without them feeling like they're being stabbed with a million needles.

I dropped to 50 pounds. If you continue, you just might. I was beyond skinny. I was just as you said, skin and bones. Yet I was not happy. I was even worse than before. I was miserable. Skinny is not worth the consequences. You want to recover, that IS your voice. Posting here is the first step.

You have a choice: death or recovery. And you've come too far to choose death. Anorexia is a horrible way to die anyway. It's the slowest, most mentally and physically painful form of suicide. Anorexia however, magnifies every pain and makes life a living hell.

You're strong. Believe you can fight Ana. Ana is not your friend. It is a demon. I am fatter than I ever was but I'm kinder, wiser and more compassionate. People hated and avoided me when i was anorexic, now, though I am still fighting it, I am much more loved.

You can be the skinniest person in the world and be fat in your eyes, you will still hate yourself. You are the master of your life. Dont ever lose hope. All you need is faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust.

And the pixie dust is in you.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

I get where ur coming from,it seems like theres nothing but negative thoughts running threw my head,but nothing the least bit positive. Im 102 pounds today,and I still dont feel thin,no matter how dizzy I am,and ill fast for no reason. I want to want to stop,but I dont,and I cant seem to make myself think any differently. Suicides always in the back of my mind,thinking how,when,and where? Its horrible. But I tell myself,how will certain people in my life handle it on top of everything else everyones been threw? They wouldnt. So I shove it farther and farther away,knowing hay,today could be the day I finally get rid of this monster. Try to keep ur head up and thoughts positive,as hard as that is. What if u go shopping,or go with some friends to get ur nails done? Anything to bump up ur mood alittle. If ur stuck,and ur fam doesnt know about ur eating issues,u could always write them a letter,that way if ur not able to help urself,they can. And if they do,u could always write them a letter about how u feel,i know its super hard,and I could barely do it myself,but I got treatment. Im still not better,but I can remember a time where I would faint or barely beable to move because I was so weak. Things take time,sometimes its the wait thats the worst part,but there is a white spot in all the darkness. I promise.