Damaged.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

I feel so damaged. I used to talk things threw with my bf,and couldnt wait to hear his voice. But now,i could care less if i ever saw him again,which is twisted bc i love him more then anything. But I feel so disgusting,and horrible,that the only reason he could possibly with someone as awful and unloveable as me,is pity. And if I tell him everything,he'll just judge and wont understand.Everyone leaves,they always do. So I guess im just waiting for him to break my heart. I dont leave my room bc i dont want anyone to see how obese and ugly i am. I wont be happy until the scale says zero,until im perfect,and i know that will never happen. Im falling,fast. I want to just crawl inside myself and forget why I got like this,why im so fucked up. I want the pain to stop haunting me. I cant move forward,I cant go back and change the past,so im stuck,scared,and alone. I dont even know why im posting this,i just cant keep this bottled inside me anymore

[Njathind]

Your posting because you need to vent your emotions, which is totaly cool.
In fact, I admire you for it. It sounds like you struggle with and ED aswell as other issues. The thing you gotta remeber is when you look at yourself in he mirror, you dont see anything of any worth, which is a shame it really is, but when your BF looks at you, or me, or anyone in the street. Ya know what we see?

A beautifull person, I mean seriously, you so much better than you think you are, you cant see the wood for the trees.

Is there anyone profesional that you speak to?

[zuluman78]

Dont let the silly unattainable expectations society put down on you bring you down. You have to appreciate who and what you are, and stay strong. Its good that you want to let all this anger and grief out, express it! There is so much more to a person than outer image, you are worth alot more than you know :D

Good luck

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

I went to a therapist,but stopped when repressed memories started surfacing,bc i couldnt handle it.

[bambino]

Katt listen and don't let this go in one ear and out the other, you are so much stronger than you know.
I was the same with my ex boyfriend, i loved him and hated him and I didnt know why he was with me and I was really struggling. I broke up with him to try and sort myself out and he'd moved on a couple weeks later- I've never been so badly hurt. Him doing that to me- was the worst thing I could have imagined- like you I'd been waiting for him to break me, I'd thought: if he ever hurts me, how will I cope.

But I did. You know I fucking struggled, I barely left the house for a month.. but then I had had enough of feeling like crap everyday and hating my reflection and life is too short, I just had a sense of everything passing me by and here was I saying: when I'm pretty enough, my life will begin.
You know when they say your life happens while youre waiting for it to start? It's never been truer Katt !
What I'm saying is, dont rely on one person. Rely on yourself and trust yourself. Believe that you can get over your poor body image, and problem with food and all of it- that you can love life again. Despite how you feel now I bet there are plenty of people who tell you how pretty you are and wish you could see what they do.
If you want to believe them, you need to start letting go of that piece of you that says you dont deserve anything, the voice that makes you feel small and ugly. It's been a part of you for so long its difficult to let it go, but that is what you need to do.

Message me if you need to talk.