Been A While Since I've Asked For Help :/

[dmeek7]

Hey VT world. It's been a while since I have actually asked for help. So for I havn't had much problems relationship wise. I've been keeping clear of a relationship because I'm joining the U.S. Navy when I get out of high school next year, but I met a girl....

It always starts off that way doesn't it? So I met this girl that I am part of an organization with and I will be seeing her like 8 times in the next year because of this organization. She is something special I tell all of you reading this. She is absolutely everything I love about a girl. She is my dream girl. Shorter than me, fit, athletic, funny, smart, well-rounded. She has really blonde strait long hair, blue-ish eyes that make me lose myself when I look into them, and such a great body. Just perfect in my eyes.

We talk all the time because we have to for our organization plus we just are great friends. We talk about everything. I'm super comfortable with her. blah blah. There is so much I could say right now that it would take forever for you to read it and no one would read it. Here's the problem:

She knows I like her, and she won't say it, but I KNOW she likes me because of the fact that she thinks im cute, she tells me things about what she likes in a guy and it just so happens that I have that quality... she just likes me back......but there is this guy that was there before me. She dated this guy for a year and they broke up but she wont get over him even though she broke up with him, so she's been "talking" to him for a half a year. They still do couple stuff like hang out, cuddle, kiss, and more. She has told me that she wants to and needs to get over him because of many reasons such as: her parents, family, and friends dont like him, he has alot of problems, he fights with her all the time, etc.....I told her I'm here for her to help her get over him and I was talking to her about things to do to get over him, and she told me i'm being super helpful, but the day after she went and did more stuff with him like make out and hang out forever! Another small detail is that we live like three hours apart, but I'm willing to drive and see her once in a while. I'm actually going to see her one day in the last week of july.

Now, she wants to get over this guy, and she really does like me, but I don't know what to do next. She doesnt know what will happen with her and this guy. she wants to get over him but she always goes back to him, and she admits that she has a problem of going back to him all the time.

I need your help VT. What do I do next? When I go hang out with her next week, we have already made hints to things we could do. She's hinted that we can kiss and makeout. I'm super excited to see her, and I hope that when we hang I can help her make up her mind to be with me and forget about him. What can I say or do to help her fall for me more than this other guy. I really want this and need this VT. I'm always second best to another guy when it comes to love. :'(

[Sage]

She's just saying she wants to get over the guy. If she had meant it at all, she wouldn't be making out with him and hanging out the day after she praised your helpfulness. She's trying to have two cakes and eat both of them- She wants your friendship (and possibly more) but she doesn't have the self-restraint to stop seeing her ex-boyfriend (even though, based on what they do together, I really fail to see how he's an ex). You might deeply hold onto some chivalrous idea that she's just a woman in need and that it's up to you to get this negative guy out of her life, but it really isn't your responsibility.

You can't expect yourself to make such a change in someone else's behavior- Believe whatever you like, but it isn't worth your time trying to talk her out of it (you've tried, it didn't work the first time, it won't work later) and, in my experience, trying to 1-up the other fellow and make yourself seem like the obvious better choice is futile too. People can see right through your act if your intent is to 1-up somebody else.

She's not worth your time and effort. Your better judgment might be clouded by your feelings, but this girl is unhealthy for you and herself- she doesn't know what she wants, and even if she does, she doesn't have the will to do anything about it herself. You may want it, but I guarantee you, a romantic relationship is never, ever needed.

Forget her. You can do so much better.

[dmeek7]

Well I'm trying to understand her side of the whole thing. She dated this guy for a year!! and has been talking to him for a half year after that. They basically are dating just without the title of dating. She says she wants to get over him. Wants him out of her life. barely even friends. She just doesnt wanna hurt him, he would be suicidal if she told him any of this. She just falls back into him because he knows all the things to do to get her back into his arms (that generally happens when you date for a year, and a half basically). I told her I could be her rock, and she could lean on me to get over him. She already tells me im amazing. She loves everything about me. She has told me all this except the part where she likes me. She wont admit it. She says that she doesnt wanna say it in case it leads me on and she doesnt wanna hurt me if she would ever have to tell me no if her and this guy ever get back together... What I'm going to focus on right now is making her fall for me when we hang out. She loves everything about me. My personality, my body, my hair. We BOTH have excactly what the other person wants in a partner. So I do plan on just being myself, and having fun time with her, but I need a little extra advice to smooth things along a bit. I will not. I repeat WILL NOT give up on her. I strongly believe I can get her to be mine, and I know she will be happier with me. I Just need to get her to get over this other guy.

[Tango]

It sounds like she's playing you :/ If she's going over and making out with him consistently, he's not really an ex.

I think you just need to see how it goes the day in July and go from there. But you shouldn't waste your time with someone is going and fooling around with another guy.

[dmeek7]

ok. I think I'm giving you the wrong idea of what shes actually doing. She not going and fooling around, and stuff. She's just doing what is natural to her. It's like they are dating, except without the title of dating, and the fact that she wants to get over him and wants to get out of it. Shes not whoring around or anything. She's not playing me. She the coolest girl I've ever met. She dated this guy for a year and she still has never had sex. I think that's amazing of her. I want advice on what I can do or say to help things go really well when we hang out.

[Sage]

Well I'm trying to understand her side of the whole thing. She dated this guy for a year!! and has been talking to him for a half year after that. They basically are dating just without the title of dating.
That's what I've been saying. It's just another large obstacle that, as luck would have it, only you can do anything about. I don't think any healthy relationship demands that one side overcome all that things you have to overcome for this to even remotely work. She needs to fix that problem herself.

She says she wants to get over him.
She isn't doing a good job of that at all.

Wants him out of her life. barely even friends.
Her actions suggest otherwise.

She just doesnt wanna hurt him, he would be suicidal if she told him any of this.
So, what is she supposed to do, stay with him forever? She's just being an enabler and the more time she spends with him the needier he'll become. That isn't going to change. She'll have to break things off with him and keep them broken off, and she doesn't seem willing to even try from what you're telling me.

She just falls back into him because he knows all the things to do to get her back into his arms (that generally happens when you date for a year, and a half basically).
That's Grade-A Bullshit and you know it is. He can't "make her" come back to him. She's capable of thinking for herself and is responsible for her own actions, no matter what her feelings on the situation are. You just want to shift the accountability to the other guy because you're having a hard time accepting that she's anything but a victim in this situation. She chooses to go back to him all these times.

I told her I could be her rock, and she could lean on me to get over him.
That's just enabling her to perpetuate this victim mentality and doesn't give her the opportunity to take responsibility and charge of the situation herself. Like it or not, she is not a completely innocent party in all of this. If you really want things to work out, you need to hold her accountable for her actions. I can't say this enough: She stays with him by choice. It doesn't matter what her excuses are or how poor her self-restraint is: It is still a choice.

She already tells me im amazing. She loves everything about me. She has told me all this except the part where she likes me. She wont admit it. She says that she doesnt wanna say it in case it leads me on and she doesnt wanna hurt me if she would ever have to tell me no if her and this guy ever get back together...
No, saying she likes you wouldn't be leading you on. Everything she's already doing is leading you on. It's bullshit that you shouldn't have to put up with.

What I'm going to focus on right now is making her fall for me when we hang out.
I already explained the futility of trying to 1-up somebody earlier.

She loves everything about me. My personality, my body, my hair. We BOTH have excactly what the other person wants in a partner.
She's leading you on and you're falling for it.

So I do plan on just being myself, and having fun time with her, but I need a little extra advice to smooth things along a bit. I will not. I repeat WILL NOT give up on her. I strongly believe I can get her to be mine, and I know she will be happier with me. I Just need to get her to get over this other guy.
The best advice isn't going to sound like something you want to hear. You know and I know that just telling someone what they want to hear is not helpful. Your feelings for this girl can (and are) cloud your judgment. You don't want to believe she's leading you on, but she is. I can only hope that you come to understand this before you let yourself get burned emotionally.