Lost

[Iris]

I keep forgetting why I bother trying to live....I remember why I didn't commit suicide a few months ago but the reason is so much weaker now. I'm just worn down. And lost. Why do I continue to live? I'm searching desperately for a reason, a strong enough reason :(

[FullyAlive]

Because suicide is permanent. What if you killed yourself not knowing the next day something life changing might happen? Sure you're going to say it won't. But neither of us know that, you can't know it won't, I can't know it will. But we both have to agree there is the possibility of something good for you being right around the corner. If you're dead that opportunity goes.

You've come this far, you wanted to die a few months ago, yet you didn't and you've survived all those months, that in itself was strong.
It might be hard to fight through this and carry on, but the things that are the best you have to fight for.

It's unfair it is, why should you have to feel like this? Others seem to have it so easy. But theres that cliche suffering makes you stronger. You have to fight and you have to survive, because one day you'll look back on it and you'll be proud of yourself for carrying on. And you'll be happy, happy that you're still here.?

If you're having these thoughts its really best to talk to someone, these feelings are dangerous. If you already see someone make sure they know about this please?

:hug:

[FearsomeEnder]

I know it doesent seem like it but everybody you know loves you someway if you just dissappeared from existance it whould drasticly change thier lifes forever. Dont commit suicide its not making you a better person the thing that keeps me from commiting suicide is my good side saying that id be a terrible person to go out the easy way. lifes filled with depression you have to get used to it or you will never survive in the real world anyway id say spend a day alone to yourself light an insent and get a cup of warm tea and just write down everything that comes to your head clear your mind and enjoy your tea my friend. =)

[Iris]

FullyAlive-Thanks :). Thing is you're right-I don't think anything life-changing and good will come around anytime soon (my problems aren't like that-they're pretty long-term). And also last time I was truly contemplating and planning my suicide and stopped, and nothing great happened after. Instead it became a downward spiral to this point when, as hard as I try, I can't seem to get suicide out of my mind. Last night I googled 'how deep do you need to slit your wrists in order to die,' without really realizing what I was doing -sigh- I just don't think anything's going to get better. Like every time one problem goes away a bit another, bigger one comes around. It's really wearing me down...

Also I go to a psychologist, have been for a year already. She knows I'm passively suicidal (I want to die, but I don't have a plan) but I don't tell her when I'm actively suicidal (I have a plan) because she'd call 911 and force me into a hospital and then my parents would know there's something wrong with me and my life would get 50 times worse. :(

Gamerguy123-You're not a terrible person if you commit suicide. That's a mean thing to say. Suicide is just a way to end pain. That doesn't make anyone terrible. Also life is filled with sadness, not depression. Depression is a terrible illness that is so much more than a few 'blue' days. I've had depression for over 2 years and it is really really tough making it through each day.

[FearsomeEnder]

FullyAlive-Thanks :). Thing is you're right-I don't think anything life-changing and good will come around anytime soon (my problems aren't like that-they're pretty long-term). And also last time I was truly contemplating and planning my suicide and stopped, and nothing great happened after. Instead it became a downward spiral to this point when, as hard as I try, I can't seem to get suicide out of my mind. Last night I googled 'how deep do you need to slit your wrists in order to die,' without really realizing what I was doing -sigh- I just don't think anything's going to get better. Like every time one problem goes away a bit another, bigger one comes around. It's really wearing me down...

Also I go to a psychologist, have been for a year already. She knows I'm passively suicidal (I want to die, but I don't have a plan) but I don't tell her when I'm actively suicidal (I have a plan) because she'd call 911 and force me into a hospital and then my parents would know there's something wrong with me and my life would get 50 times worse. :(

Gamerguy123-You're not a terrible person if you commit suicide. That's a mean thing to say. Suicide is just a way to end pain. That doesn't make anyone terrible. Also life is filled with sadness, not depression. Depression is a terrible illness that is so much more than a few 'blue' days. I've had depression for over 2 years and it is really really tough making it through each day.

I am very hostile towards myself, to me if i commit suicide thats taking the easy way out every time i hold a knife to my neck i think... "hmm i could follow through with life and life it to its fullest" anyone to expects life to be a walk in a park was ether raised to believe so or is so ignorant to what life is. and once that person has a problem in life thee instant reaction is "oh no this isent what i expected i dont want this i wish this wasn't true"... now im being an asshole right now and im sorry but its who i am and its my fault that im an asshole. Im not saying everybody has this reaction im just being dumb and ranting ugh i wish i wasent this way...

[FullyAlive]

Also I go to a psychologist, have been for a year already. She knows I'm passively suicidal (I want to die, but I don't have a plan) but I don't tell her when I'm actively suicidal (I have a plan) because she'd call 911 and force me into a hospital and then my parents would know there's something wrong with me and my life would get 50 times worse. :(

I understand that my doctor is exactly the same.
if you're sure telling her would result in hospitalization then don't tell her, yet, if it gets to the point you are literally about to do something anything, then maybe the hospital is the best place.

But I know it's hard you cant let yourself search things like that it won't help you short term or long term. You need to convey to your psych exactly how bad you're feeling don't tell her you're planning but make sure she knows, she might be able to get you a crisis team or something.

:hug3:

[Iris]

Gamerguy123-Yeah I know what you mean-I'm hard on myself in other areas. Sorry I snapped at you, I know you're only trying to help. Thanks :)

FullyAlive-Yeah I don't think I'll tell her. Also usually I'm only actively suicidal for a short while before I force myself to stop any planning. I really really try hard to keep myself under control. And I'm starting to get annoyed at my psychologist because she never really understands me and I don't have the patience to explain things to her, so I don't tell her as much. And she always talks to me like I'm on my deathbed or something. grr. I know I can control the suicidal urges if I just found a strong enough reason that I could latch on to. Like last time I though of my grandmother and how her whole family was murdered by the Nazi's in the Holocaust and I couldn't stand the thought of making her lose yet another person she loves. But even that doesn't feel like a strong enough reason sometimes...

[FullyAlive]

Hmm maybe it's time to tell her she isn't helping, seek a new one out? After all there is no point in seeing her if she isn't of any help. But again of the planning doesn't stop maybe it's best she is told? :/

As for the reason to stay, I know how you feel, my reason right now is I care more about hurting the people close to me than I do about how much I hurt. Once that changes I'm not sure what I'll do. So that's why it's best to make your reason, Yourself. The best person you can fight for is you. Because no matter what you believe you are worth it, and you deserve better, things will change they have too. I can't tell you how but they will maybe for better or worse it all depends on what you make of them.

[Iris]

Yeah my friend said the same thing but I don't think I'd be able to open up to another person. It took a year for me to tell my psychologist only half of my problems. I don't think I could just start again with someone new.

But I don't feel like I should live or deserve to live...myself is not a reason at all. If I was going to do something for myself it would be suicide; I just don't want to cause suffering to others. I try to think about my Dad and my brother and grandmother and that sometimes keeps me going. What stronger reason is out there..?

[Amaryllis]

You know... The reason why I'm still here is because I have people to help. I want to grow up and volunteer at a child psychiatric ward. I want to volunteer for the Samaritans. I want to spend christmas with nutcases(Hell, we all are)

That's my purpose for being here.

What are your talents? What do you want to do? What are you passionate about?

Love,
Faith and Trust :)

[TrAnSMaN09]

You Never know whats going to happen the next day angel, You might have the worst day ever one day, and then tomorrow you might have an amazing day, So just keep living hun, You can always write on my wall alright

[Iris]

FaithAndTrust-honestly I want to make a change in the world. I want to make people happy. I want to help people. I already volunteer at a soup kitchen and I'm sponsering a child in India (it's what I asked my parents for my birthday present last year-I myself am completely broke lol). I want to be a psychologist when I'm older, because I want to help people in tough situations (and I think the human mind is incredible). But with all that I'm still not ok and I'm still thinking things I wish I wasn't...

Transman-That's easy to say but in real life it's not that simple. I've had depression for two years. Every day was a huge struggle. I don't have amazing days. Ever. The most I ask for is non-horrible days, and that's not much to look forward to.

[zuluman78]

Your life is to valuable to not only to yourself but the people who love to waste. Find your self worth in you, focus on the good things that you have in your life. Life is never easy but as they say enduring the pain and suffering makes you stronger. A human life that could benefit to the well being of others is to much to waste :D