Help making my friend comfortable?

[Starbuck]

This is my first real post on the site, I hope someone (or a few people) can offer me some help :).

I've known my friend for over three years and we've always been really open with each other. Because of financial and family problems he's moved in with me and we've become even closer; he's been here about three weeks. Lately though, I've been realizing that he's uncomfortable at lunch and dinner because he can't eat with us. He has a feeding tube and he has to eat three times a day during specific hours, and he cannot miss a meal under any circumstances. He can only ingest a special milk formula, which he inserts into the tube using a type of small funnel.

Lately I've been spending time with him while he's feeding because I think he feels bad that he can't eat with us (when I sit with him I don't eat with him, I usually just rub his back because the sensation of the liquid being funneled directly into his stomach makes him uncomfortable,) but he acts really unhappy and he beats himself up about it all of the time. He's always saying mean things to himself and it makes me feel awful because he's such a wonderful person and he doesn't deserve to feel this way, especially on top of everything else he is dealing with.

How can I make him feel more comfortable about himself? There's nothing wrong with him and I want him to know that it's okay that he has to eat differently. I've tried to tell him that he's fine the way he is and that it doesn't bother me or my family that he can't eat with us, but it doesn't seem to help much. How can I show him I care and that it doesn't bother me?

[TheMatrix]

Have you told him that you care? Sometimes, just a little "I love you just the way you are" can have a large, good effect. I encourage you to try it.

Or, if he needs a place to rant and talk, you could recommend this forum to him, IMO.

On a completely unrelated side note: Welcome to VT!!

[Starbuck]

I tell him that I love him all of the time. He appreciates it a lot, not many guys tell their friends they love them. But I mean we share a bed sometimes (we share a room but sometimes we sleep together) and we're very close so me telling him I love him isn't a huge deal.

[TheMatrix]

A simple message can convey a huge meaning.
Alright then, try finding something else to say.
Tell him that he's the best.
Or maybe act as if the tube thing is completely normal! That might help.

[Starbuck]

I don't know what else to say to him to make him feel better. I can understand why he's sensitive about the feeding tube; not many people have one, especially not as young as him. Still, I try to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I'm very comfortable with him and we're very close when it comes to being touchy. When he's getting dressed or getting out of the shower he's just fine with the tube. It only bothers him when it comes to actual eating. He's more worried about the feeding tube than his penis size.

[DifferentTides]

Sometimes it might be hard for people to accept that someone/s can actually overlook there faults/problems/quirks/you get the idea... But persistance is the key, they will apreciated it, cause it proves that you in it for the long run and actually care about them, making them feel special.

It might also be the fact that he can't be like everyone else. But he is lucky to have a friend like you, remember that. You coming here for advice shows how much you care.

Because sometimes all we need, is people like you :)

[Starbuck]

I actually just got back from my trip, I'm glad to see someone else has replied to my thread :).

I understand how difficult it is to accept that someone loves you for who you are, when you see so many flaws in yourself. But I am in it for the long-run, until the end, and I'm not going to stop trying to make him feel better and happy until he actually is. I want him to be comfortable with himself so that being happy comes naturally to him and people don't have to work at it to make him feel that way. He needs to find happiness inside of him first.

We went on a family trip together to Colorado, and he seemed alright. Maybe it was the fact that the whole place was so beautiful that he forgot about feeling bad. We just got back and he's asleep, in my bed :). Maybe he just needed something to overwhelm him enough to forget those bad feelings.

[TheMatrix]

Hey, good for you man! :)
Glad to see it's working out!

[Starbuck]

Thank you :). It was kind of awkward because my parents wanted to eat out and I didn't because I didn't want to hurt Mikael's feelings, so they went out to eat and would bring me back food while I spent time with him at the hotel or at the river or wherever. It was nice to relax and talk with him and not have my parents around being loud. He appreciated it but I could tell he felt bad for keeping me away. I didn't mind though :).

[DerBear]

I think he feels bad because his world has changed aswell he is now living with you whitch is new and as he is not used to being with you when he has his meals it makes him uncomfterbale.

Like everyone said just be there for him as that should do the trick well enough. And constantly remind him you are there for him

Also have you tried asking him if he prefers to eat alone?...even though you are helping him by rubbing his back maybe he would like to be alone. (just a thought)

[Starbuck]

I've asked him what he prefers, and he says he'd rather have someone there with him so he doesn't feel as lonely. Sometimes he wants to be alone, but that's rare. He'll tell me if he wants to feed by himself, otherwise he's happy that I'm there, which is awesome :).

I can definitely understand that he's uncomfortable because he's in a new place. He's slept over at my house plenty of times but now he's living here and he probably feels overwhelmed and sad about the whole thing. He's been through so much, I'm surprised he's so strong and positive even when he's really feeling depressed. He's talked to me about how he feels, and he knows I'm always there for him if he needs me. But I can definitely understand if he wants to spend time alone and think about things.

[DerBear]

Whats the situation with his parents can they help maybe try talking to them to get some advice?

[Starbuck]

His parents are very poor, but...they don't try to improve their situation. They don't want to work. His mother has a job at Wal-Mart, but his dad is unemployed and he sqaunders their money on alcohol and cigarettes and everything else a typical white trash person does (no offense meant to anyone). His family didn't want to pay for the medical costs for his feeding tube, and they kicked him out. His parents haven't even attempted to contact him and I'm sure because of that he feels abandoned...not that being kicked out didn't make him feel abandoned either.

[DerBear]

Well then parents are out the window by the way are you located in the USA or UK as you can recive benifits or help (or atleast more) in the uk I.E help with his milk and feeding tube

also have you thought about him seeing a someone like a counciler as even some people wont tell there best friends everything but they will tell a stranger

[Starbuck]

We're in the United States, but we don't need financial help. We can afford the expenses for the tube, which are extremely minimal. His family had trouble with the costs only because they were basically unemployed and squandering the little cash they had. They didn't care for him at all.

We've all offered to find him a councellor, but he says he's fine just talking to us. He says he has no reason to talk to someone who he doesn't really know or who doesn't really care about him. He feels safer with me and my family, which is nice :).

[DerBear]

yes i suppose but think what are we all doing right now discussing problems on here instead of talking to each other about these problems

try showing him the brother to this site govteen as it qould be seprate and he could maybe talk his issues and feelings over with some strangers like you are doing in a way

also i think he may feel like a bit of a burdan aswell whitch may make him feel uncomfterbale

[Starbuck]

He's not really a fan of forums. He's never posted on one, and I don't think he'd be very comfortable.

He does feel like a burden, but...he's feeling less and less like that now that he's experienced a road trip with us. We've bonded much more as a family and I think he feels more comfortable with us.

[DerBear]

Then you are slowly but surely making him feel better whitch is your goal

i dont think he is the only one who needs some reassurance----> your doing really good we need more people like you in this world

[Starbuck]

Thank you :). I try to be as good of a person as I can...I've seen how badly people can be treated. I'm too soft-hearted to ever be mean or selfish. I care about people too much.

[DerBear]

Well good luck i hope you and your friend work things out and he feels more welcomed as time goes on

Good luck to you and your friend :)

Derri

[Nicky97]

Maybe he doesn't want a counselor, but I imagine there are medical people/groups out there that have run into this feeding tube anxiety thing before. There may be an aspect to it that isn't so obvious. In any case, a word from someone familiar with this kind of situation can't hurt.