it's like a chain reaction!

[*lynn*]

ok, i am new on here. my close friend katie (you guys know her as krazy_katie) referred me here after our friend committed suicide last week. well katie had been really, really depressed, and had started cutting really bad again. i got on here last night to read her posts about kris and i saw what she had written and i got really scared. i tried to get ahold of her by her cell phone, i called her house phone, etc. she's in college so last night i couldn't just drive to her apartment, it was too late and i don't know the roads to get there very well in the dark. so i skipped school today and went over there and i had the landlord let me in, i said i was her sister and i had lost my key and i found her, dead. i flipped out. i knew she was going to kill herself. i knew it, there was just nothing i could do last night. i couldn't call her parents because she has none. she grew up in juvies and finally a residential facility where me and kris's parents worked (which is how we met her so many years ago) so she had no family to call, no one who cared about her. besides me and kris. and now both kris and katie are dead. her real dad molested her for many years until she was 14. he got her pregnant and then beat her up so bad she lost the baby. so he is in prison. her mom died when she was a kid. she was so messed up that no one wanted to be her friend, except me and kris, and last night i let her down. it was the ultimate let down. i don't know what to do. i'm not going to kill myself, i would be hurting to many other people, but there is this huge hole in my heart where kris and katie used to be and it is killing me. i miss them so much. well i wanted to let you guys know about katie, and ask if anyonw had any suggestions about how to stay above this depression that i am drowning in. i used to cut, but i haven't in like almost a year, so i don't want to do that again. so any suggestions would be great. thanks guys. i just don't want to hurt this bad anymore.

[Bobby]

Oh my...
That's really, really sad that she finally gave in...

You see the effects of her passing away? How it's effecting you? Well if you harm your-self your going to hurt all of the people you know, and you wouldn't want that would you?

Wow. I'm still in shock.

[*lynn*]

i know. i am too. it didn't seem real. it still doesn't. i have lost two really close friends within a week. this must be what hell is like. it has to be. because right now, at this moment, i can think of nothing worse.
i'm not going to cut myself, i promised my parents a long time ago that i wouldn't anymore. i just don't know how to stop feeling like i want to. i want to stop feeling so horribly sad. i want to stop feeling so angry. i want to stop feeling so guilty. i want to stop feeling so damn lonely. i just want this all to not have happened. i want to rewind to when this whole thing started and start fixing everything so that i will still have kris, so that i will still have katie. so i won't be the only one left. i just want...

[thesphinx]

wow i am really really sorry!
you must be going through alot here.
but as hard as this may be you need to stay positive, and please dont cut!
i haven't ever gone through something this painful before and can only amagine.
but it will get easier over time.
:)

[*lynn*]

it's really hard to stay positive. i'm trying, but it really isn't working.

[Hyper]

Don't try to be positive.. Just be yourself

And stay strong if you stay strong it will pass

[Sapphire]

Woah. I'm shocked. My condolences go out to you.

I agree with Hyper. Trying to be positive is just like trying to erase the affect these two traumatic events have had on you. The only thing you can do is stay strong. It is natural to feel as if there were things you should have done/said. But you will have to accept that you can't change any of it. You just have to work through these tragic losses.
I cannot identify with you, but please, if you feel yourself losing any strength come on here and talk to us. We are all here for you.

[*lynn*]

the viewing for katie is tomorrow. it's going to be really hard to go to that and see her there, dead. i guess i just have to remember that that isn't really her.
last night i was feeling really down and depressed and lonely. i tried to read for awhile because that usually helps, it didn't work. i went on a 3 mile run, that didn't help. eventually i just cut myself. i gave in. i chose to do this to myself. i didn't want to feel bad anymore. i didn't right after, but i did when i woke up this morning and i still do. oh well i guess.
my mom made me go see my old therapist today. they are concerned that i will kill myself just like kris and katie did. i tried to explain to them that i don't want to die, really, just feel better. my therapist asked if i had cut and i told her yes, and she looked really concerned but i convinced her it was a one time thing, i wasn't doing it anymore. she knows me better than that, but i think she just didn't want to stress me out more. she is a good therapist. i really like her. so she is making me go in 3 times a week after school and i have to get body checks. which is normal. i've had them before. all i have to do (if i choose to cut some more, which i don't want to) is cut where they aren't allowed to look. upper thighs, stomach, basically anywhere that my clothes aren't covering, besides my arms.
i miss katie so much. it was weird not to call her like i usually do. she was alwyas done with classes at noon, so when i got home from school i would call her before she went to work and we would just talk. so it was weird not to have that today.
i'm going to go now. i didn't mean to write this much, sorry.

[thesphinx]

i hope everything goes well :)
this might be a good sticky, it really shows you what suicide can do it causes a chain reaction and ends up hurting alot of people.
just a thought though

[*lynn*]

it's been 8 days since katie killed herself. it doesn't really seem like it has been that long. or maybe it seems like it has been forever. i don't know. i feel like i have been floating through this past week, not really knowing what has been going on, not really caring. at katie's funeral i had to give the eulogy, because she had no one else really close that was still alive and i started to cry in the middle of it. i was sad that so many people showed up for her funeral, but never bothered to tell katie that they cared for her when she was still alive.
i can't bring myself to cut anymore. i am afraid that if i do i will make the decision to kill myself, and i don't want anyone else to hurt. so i have been running. i run everyday until i am so tired i can't go on. then i rest and run some more. my mom says i'm trying to run away from my problems and my feelings. she might be right i'm not sure.
i don't want to die, but my life is so messed up right now. i don't want to hurt anyone else, but i'm hurting them anyway by isolating myself and not talking to anyone. so i think what is the point? is it better to die when i know that people will eventually get over it, or is it better to live and hurt people around me constantly because i can't bring myself to talk to them. i don't like feeling like i am being smothered and like i am drowning. it terrifies me that i feel so depressed all the time.
i can't even talk to my therapist anymore. the words won't come out. she says in a couple of weeks she is going to try me on some meds, but she wants to wait and see if my depression will lift any. i don't know.

i know that i just want kris and katie to come back, so i can stop feeling this way. i just want them back so much. i miss them so much...

[*lynn*]

it's been a long 5 days. i gave in and cut last friday night. i can't really remember much about that night. my mom came in and found me passed out in our bathroom and called 911. i had to get 20 stiches and they put me in the hospital. it was an accident. i wasn't trying to kill myself, i guess i just let out everything in that one cut. i didn't mean to. i came home last night. i'm glad to be home. i have to go to see my therapist more times a week but i'm okay with that. i'm glad that i am getting help now, even if i didn't mean for it to happen. i don't want to stay sad and depressed forever. it feels weird to me to be happy when i have lost two of the most important people in my life. my mom was trying to make me feel better last night on the way home and she said something that made me laugh and immediately after i felt so guilty. she noticed i got quiet and asked what was wrong and i told her and she said it might take months or even a year, but eventually she said i will be able to laugh and have fun without feeling so sad and guilty about it. mom and dad are talking about moving at the end of this school year so that i can have a fresh start somewhere else. i told them that this fall i was taking a year off instead of going straight to college. i need a break. but hopefully things will start getting easier soon. i need them to.

[*lynn*]

so i tried to go to school today. i thought that i had missed so much already and i didn't want to get too behind since i graduate this May. but i walked into school and went to get my books and stuff for class and i freaked out. people were looking at me funny and there were just so many people all around. so i put all my stuff back into my locker and got into my car and drove off. i went home for awhile but no one was there and i didn't want to be home alone. so i just drove. i have no idea why i did it. i went and saw my mom at the hospital because she is a doctor there and told her that i skipped and she didn't like it but she didn't say too much about it. she told me to be home by 3 which was the end of her shift. i don't think i am going to be able to go back to school. and i don't know why. i have never been too worried about people liking me or disliking me, so i don't understand why today was so different. before kris and katie died my life was somewhat normal. i had friends, i made good grades and was on track to be salutatorian in my school, parents and i didn't fight any more than normal, and life was basically good. now i don't talk to anyone, i can't be salutatorian because there is no way i can (nor do i want to) make up all the work in time, and things between my parents and i are strained to the max. i don't know how to fix all anything anymore. if anyone has any suggestions, they would be welcomed. i just need everything to go back to how they used to be, as much as it can anyway.

[Everglow]

as i told you online...i will be here for you...you have my number...don't hesitate to text whenever :)

ps... hang in there

[*lynn*]

me and my mom had a long talk tonight. she said that she wasn't letting me lock myself in my room anymore and isolate. so i told her how i felt like i was drowning in all these emotions and feelings i had. she asked me about school today and then she got really mad because i didn't have a real reason to leave. she doesn't understand that i just can't deal with people right now. i know that isn't a good reason to skip school. but right at that moment it seemed like the right thing to do. so now i am just trying to not be mad at my mom for not understanding. i guess this all seems really lame. but i guess i am losing myself. losing ground in this struggle, in this battle for my sanity. i am thinking what is the point. the only people i would disappoint is my parents, and they are so busy with their careers that they'll forget soon enough. i have no friends left to let down. so what is left? nothing. i just don't know...

[Everglow]

awww....*lynn* i''m so sorry you feel that way....but eariler that day, you told me about all of your wonderful strengths..you have those left!! please don't loose sight of them! even though we spoke for the first time yesterday, i know you are an amazing person!! not only that, but you are genuine, special and awesome!! trust me, your parents do care about you...they may seem absorbed in their work, but they do love you....if they didn't, your mother would not have spoken with you last night about your problems...she sincerely cares about you and does not want you to kill yourself...you are very special to her and to so many other people:)

please don't think that you have to let down your friends....friends don't do that...and definately don't feel like you have to let yourself down....it will cause so much pain for all of us, yes us, who love and care about you.

again, i am here for you...please call or text me if you feel like you're going to do something terrible...or if you just need someone to talk to

please smile....people love you

[*lynn*]

thanks.

today went better at school. i made it through the whole day w/o leaving or freaking out. as soon as school was over though i got out as quick as i could. i met with my therapist today. it was the first time since i had cut and we talked for a long time. it was pretty intense. she prescribed me some meds, paxil and lithium carbonate and she said that should help stabilize my moods and calm me down some. she says the next time i cut and she finds out i have to go inpatient no matter how minor. i didn't like that part, but oh well.

i went to the cemetary today for like an hour or so and talked to katie and kris. i told them how they killing themseves affected me. lame, i know, but it felt good to get all that stuff out. i told them how i was struggling and trying to get ahead of everything. on the way out i saw kris's mom. she was coming to take some flowers to the graves. she told me how guilty she felt about katie. i guess after kris died she couldn't stand to see katie b/c it made her miss kris so much. but then katie killed herself. i told her not to feel guilty b/c no one knew that was what she was going to do. there wasn't anything she could do to prevent it. but oh well.

[*lynn*]

hey guys

i'm taking off for awhile on here. i need some space to get myself better, happier, something other than what i am now. the stress of trying to help people not commit suicide is too overwhelming, and i can't handle it anymore, especially since i couldn't help/keep katie from doing it. i cut bad last night and i don't know if my therapist will find out but if she does i will go inpatient and if i do, no internet...so anyways. i'll be back though.

so i will be back sometime soon probably. thanks for everything!!!

lynn

[Everglow]

i understand wholeheatedly!!!

i sent you a pm about five minutes ago...please read it if you can..before you take your break :)

hang in there lynn!!! we all support you

[thesphinx]

im glad your feeling a little bit better.
we care about you.
hope to see you back here soon :)

[Link3737]

wow i never knew how emotional i was until i started reading katie's and your posts. i literally cried as i read the story about katie killing herself because i can relate. one of my closest friends did an od and killed himself. i couldnt go to school for two weeks because everytime i walked into my first period i would want to burst into tears.

EDIT: i knew that friend since we were in diapers and i told im everythign and went to him for advice on anything

[*lynn*]

hey guys!

i'm back! just thought i'd let you all know...see ya!

lynn

[Everglow]

i'm so relieved that you are back!!!

[*lynn*]

UPDATE:

so i went to the hospital on the 9th and i got out earlier this morning. things are better now. they aren't great, and i don't think they will be for a long time, but they are the best they can be. and i am happy with that. i am talking more to my parents. i appreciate them a lot more than i did (it's a long story) and i think we are getting a lot closer everyday. so that is good. i've opened up a lot more to my therapist and she is showing me that it isn't my fault that katie died, i couldn't have done anything to stop her. that's easy to say but it's a lot harder to make myself believe, but i'm trying. i'm a work in progress, what can i say? i haven't cut since the night before i went to the hospital, and i'm planning to stay that way. so all in all it's pretty good news. thanks for everything guys! you have no idea how much i have appreciated it! hopefully now i can stay on track and keep doing well.

thanks!

lynn