eating habits

[LifeisLife]

My eating habits are pretty varied... A few weeks ago I would eat and eat and eat all day long but now sometimes the only thing i eat in a whole 2 days is a bag of chips and plain bread... :( I dont feel as hungry anymore and my family and friends are starting to notice because I dont eat as much as I used to (i was ALWAYS the one that ate everything the fastest and the most, at home and at school) I barely ever feel hungry anymore :/ is this an eating disorder? and if not then what is it?

[Amaryllis]

Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Tell the truth. If you don't worry about how you look or if you don't think you're fat or need to lose weight, it probably isn't but if you do, it could be. If you don't though, maybe you're just depressed or lonely or you just feel bad. Talk to me. Feel free to rant, complain, ask for help, anything. And tell the truth. You'll be alright :)

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

I'm okay, I stopped cutting since almost a week ago (which is pretty long ago seeing as that I used to every day) and I'm over the girl I couldnt get out of my head for a month! I've been eating like this for about 3 weeks now and I really dont get what's wrong :/ I see eating more as a chore/job then as something fun usually, except if it's getting icecream/mcdonalds or something like that with friends I feel like it's a chore... I usually dont eat breakfast anymore, I eat snack at around 11 AM (which is just 1 caprisun) and then i throw my lunch away because i dont want to eat it, i dont eat lunch and nothing in between dinner or lunch... i also usually dont finish my dinner because I get full so easily now :( I dont get it because nothing really bothering me... I just feel kinda fat and whenever i see myself in the mirror and I'm really self-concious about my clothes, hair and weight but there's basically nothing bothering me.

[Amaryllis]

Pim, can I call you that? I'm gonna try my best to help you. The further down you tumble into the depths of an eating disorder, the harder it is to get out. When you eat really little and lose weight, you'll actually want to starve. That happens sometimes. It's a brain thing. I'm not good with science but I did everything I could to try to beat that voice. Still am :)

I'm 14 going on 15 in 2 months now. I developed an eating disorder when I was 13. I didn't know what it was, at first. I didn't realise. I was always the outsider in my group. I've never been a funny person and the thing is, I've always been a perfectionist. I spent my time practicing for productions, singing, studying, doing homework. I craved control.

Anyway, when I had to go for this academic competition, I was really stressed. Someone opted out at the last minute and they picked me all of a sudden, as a replacement. I had 3 weeks to have 9 books(they were hundreds of pages thick) memorised and understood. That's when I developed my eating disorder. I wanted to lose a couple pounds for some stupid dress for some stupid party that never came. Anyway long story short, I spiraled downhill.

Sure, I lost a lot of weight. But at the price of everything. My friends who were already growing distant, left completely. I was alone with myself, fighting a voice in my head screaming at me each day, "You're fat. You're ugly. You deserve to die. You're so stupid. You're useless. Nobody loves you. Kill yourself. Make the numbers disappear. Skinnier. Lighter. Zero. You have to be zero."

Anyway, I got to 50 pounds. I got to the point when I couldn't sleep, when food was my life, when I spent my nights exercising, when I had to choose death or recovery. I really wanted to die by then. I was skinny but more miserable than I'd ever been. I can tell you, this eating disorder was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse than cutting, worse than the 7 years of depression. I cried over eating half a slice of birthday cake on my 14th birthday. I knew I was going to die. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't sit, I had to burn calories. I was in so much pain. My body was burning me for fuel. I was dying inside out and outside in. Food was like poison to me. But I got there. I'm here. Heavier than I ever was before anorexia but still, I'm alive and I'm not in pain. I'm starting to rebuild my friendships too :)

My point is: Skinny is not worth the consequences. Nothing good comes of it. Don't hurt yourself. Starving is just another form of self-harm. And it's worse because unlike cutting, you WILL die.

Believe me, you look amazing, you are perfect the way you are. I know it's hard but try to eat. Are you depressed? Do you feel out of control? Did someone say something mean? Did someone encourage you to lose weight? And try to look at yourself differently. I tell this time and time again: A skinny tree is not more beautiful than a big, strong, sturdy tree. The sun is neither fat nor ugly. You will never be good enough if you can't love yourself. Kudos for not self-harming for a week. I'm so proud of you. Hold on there. You can do this. You'll beat this and come out a stronger person. I promise you. Feel free to PM me, leave a comment or email, anything.

Love,
Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

Yeah, you can call me Pim... And before I start talking about me and my eating habits again I'de like to say that I'm proud that you weigh more now then before because that's healthy! (: I know that it isnt healthy to starve yourself but I dont feel comfortable at all!

Ok the truth is that I am bothered by something, it may sound stupid but its important to me... My hair and clothes are always commented on and whatever I do people never seem to like it, that made me extremely self-concious about it so whenever people make jokes about my hair/clothes now I dont know what to say to them anymore, I just leave and dont want to talk to them ever again... Also, my summer vacation started yesterday and I went to the school play (they always do it on the last day of school) but the friend that I was going with cancelled.

I went to the play alone anyways because it was raining and I didnt want to bike back and I saw some people I hadn't said goodbye to yet so I stayed.... Before the play started I saw some of my friends and went over to them to talk to them, only one actually said hey and talked to me before she had to leave to the gym to start setting up for the play (she was stage crew) so I was left there alone. My other friends completely ignored me and didnt even talk to me and whenever I said/did something it was all wrong.... My other few friends that were in the play, which i was speaking to during the intermission) were having inside jokes all the time, i was glad they were laughing and happy and stuff but they were kinda rude, so i just decided not to talk to them and go to the bathroom to cry...

When I came back to the gym, i sat with the friends that had ignored me and they didnt notice that I cried. (thank God!) When the play was over I said goodbye to the last few people that I didnt have a chance for and then I wanted to say goodbye to my friends, who were completely ignoring me and basically running from me because whenever I came to them, they split up and met back up somewhere else or just walked away all together... I was really hurt so I left the building (while crying might I add) and biked home alone through the rain... Now I'm sick.

Everybody tells me I'm not fat but they dont see me the way I do and I see myself as fat. I'm pretty happy/sad because I just ate ALL my dinner and it was really fatty stuff :/ It's been a week since I was made really happy, it lasted for 2 days until my parents crushed it. :l I think I wont eat anything tomorrow... :(

BTW: thank you for the support, you really seem like you know what you're talking about and your questions are ones that get me thinking (:

[Amaryllis]

Honestly, I don't know what I'm talking about heh... I'm just a 99 year old trapped in a little girl's body who really does want to help, though I might not always. And hey, that does not sound stupid AT ALL.

I know what it's like to be super hurt by your friends. Sometimes little things like them saying "Uh... Z... This is kind of a private conversation. Could you go away?" really hurt. They really, really hurt. And when you just walk behind while they're all bundled together chatting and laughing in front. It makes you feel small, insignificant and useless.

You know what? Your friends are jerks. They are complete bumholes and if I were there, I'd throw rubber-band balls at their heads. I make very good balls. Paper balls, pin balls, you name it, I'll make it. But Pim, Pim, that doesn't make YOU the problem. Okay, I gotta say, the way you think has everything to do with what you think of yourself but I know what it's like to feel like you HAVE to live up to everyone's expectations, to your own, that you have to be good enough.

I'm a straight A student. At least, I was, before anorexia. I missed so many days of class, I couldn't. I managed to get all Bs though, with 2 As. I know that might seem like a pretty damn good job to most people, afterall, I missed half the semester's classes. I was too weak to go. Too unstable.

The thing is though, you're not just your hair or your clothes or your face, body or skin. You're more than that. I'm more than my grades. It's hard but umm... I think I'm kind. I think I'm pretty nice and empathetic. And I think I'm not that ugly... I'm okay. I try to think that way, I really do but I know, it's hard. I'm not expecting you to suddenly think you're the most amazing guy in the world and just walk out naked in the streets haha. But, next time that little, stupid, annoying voice tells you "You're fat", tell it, "I'm not. F off. I don't need you. No one's gonna like me any better if I'm skinny" Which is true, in fact, people liked me less. What do you love to do? What are your talents? What kinda person are you? Your appearance isn't all you are. It's a small miniscule percentage of you.

Your friends aren't your friends. My friends left me when I need them most. And I really needed them. Honestly, I still do. But I can't blame them. Sometimes they just don't know what to say to me, they don't know what's in my head, they don't know that I'm hurting, they don't know I want to die. It's the same for you. Your friends might not even be realising they're hurting you so bad.

Eat, Pim. You have to. When that voice says "You fat pig! You ate too much! Don't eat.", do the EXACT opposite. You know what I do when it tells me "You're fat. Don't eat that cookie", I eat that cookie and tell it "Yeah. Screw you. I'm eating. Suck it!"

You can't let that voice grow. Kill it before it gets as big as mine. An eating disorder is the WORST thing that can ever happen to you. At least, it was/is, for me. I can't cope with this voice in my head. It's grown so big, I can't look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to claw my eyes out. The hate is beyond anything I've ever felt. But that's the voice talking, I know. But I let it. I trusted it, believed it, let it guide me, let it stop me from eating, with every bit of food I didn't eat, I fed it a little more. I'm fought it, I'm fighting it. You can too. Before it's too late. And don't ever feel that any pain you feel is stupid because it's not. It's real and it hurts.

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

And when you just walk behind while they're all bundled together chatting and laughing in front. It makes you feel small, insignificant and useless. EXACTLY. :( I walked by them and that's EXACTLY what they did. Also during the rest of the year they did that, that's why I always befriend the new kids and dont stick to the old friends because they'll ignore me anyways.

Ok this is making me feel even worse. just let me tell you this before I go on about it, my school's final grades are out of 7, not letters and not out of 10 but out of 7. This is making me feel worse because you're smart and you can manage to make full B's and 2 A's while I come to literally every class that I had this year and havent missed ONE schoolday in this whole year, yet I cant pass with more then a 5/7, I never got higher then a B- (5) and I feel like even when I try I do bad.

I dont really hear a voice though, it's more like I see myself and then i dont think I'm skinny... I dont think that people that are anorexia-skinny are pretty but I dont feel like I look normal for my weight, I think I look fat for my weight... I have no problems with my weight itself, just how I look... :/

[Amaryllis]

Wow, you're like a male version of me haha. I do that too. New kids love me. I go to an international school so we have LOTS of new kids. And people leave practically every 2 months. The new kids leave me for their new friends though. Which hurts. I'm sure you know what I mean. Sometimes I introduce them to my friends and even if I don't, they end up more popular and loved than I am. I wish I could just give you a hug.

Don't feel bad. Bs and Cs are amazing. A 5 out of 7 makes you really smart. The average is like 3. We're both really harsh on ourselves. Everyone thinks I'm smart and I just feel like I have something to live up to. Like I have to bs a winner or be nothing at all, number 1 or 0. But the thing is, we are our own harshest critics. We hurt ourselves more than anyone does. People will never accept us if we can't accept ourselves. Sometimes I feel like I used up all my love and strength on others. You probably feel like you'll never be good enough unless everyone else loves you but we can't rely on others for love.

If you rely on someone for strength, you will fall. If you rely on someone for kindness, you will never be kind to yourself. If you rely on someone for love, you are giving someone a part of you to break.

I know this probably doesn't make a difference because hell, I'm the fakest girl in the world, I don't let anyone in. The thing is though, when you give up and leave, you grow even more distant, when you help new kids, you're wedging more Walls between you and your friends and hey, i pretend I'm bulletproof but it still hurts.

Try your best to talk to your friends. You seem like a really nice, kind, sweet, mature and understanding guy. If they can't see that, they're a bunch of idiots. I can't make it better. If I lived where you did, I'd sit with you every lunch time and give you a hug whenever you cried but bleh, I don't live where you do.

I know you FEEL fat. I know you THINK you're fat but ARE you fat? Ask yourself. Really. Are you? You're far from it, Pim. You have hair I would kill for, beautiful eyes, a nice nose, high cheekbones, you're good looking no matter what you think or say. Don't become anorexic. I used to have beautiful, long and wavy midnight black hair. And tilted almond Asian eyes. I WAS beautiful. Before anorexia. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better.

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

Wow, you're like a male version of me haha. I do that too. New kids love me. I go to an international school so we have LOTS of new kids. And people leave practically every 2 months. The new kids leave me for their new friends though. Which hurts. I'm sure you know what I mean. Sometimes I introduce them to my friends and even if I don't, they end up more popular and loved than I am.

I go to an international school aswelll :D but i doubt in the same country ;) and yeah it does hurt when they leave you, i had that around december and just a month ago i had the same again but it's their loss, not mine...

Don't feel bad. Bs and Cs are amazing. A 5 out of 7 makes you really smart. The average is like 3.

Uhmmm.... most of the people in my class came on honour roll and got endavour awards, you neeed a 5.5 average for both of those, i barely made a 4.7. I dont feel smart and the average might be like that for you but at my school they excpect that you get atleast 5's even though 4 is passing....

You seem like a really nice, kind, sweet, mature and understanding guy.

The thing is that i have history with a lot of these people (aka loads of fights) and most people think im some immature little kid that doesnt know how to pass classes and just BSes throughout the whole year... nobody really thinks im nice or happy because the only time that people pay attention to me is when i have tantrums or when i cry... also most people dont trust me or tell me anything because they all think i'll tell everyone because of ONE thing that i told 1 person like a year ago, which was the wrong person :/

[Amaryllis]

Wow this is too creepy. Maybe I'm actually your asian twin sister and I was kidnapped at birth. Haha.

You're too hard on yourself, Pim. No one's perfect. Look at the sig below ;P Seriously though.... Comparing yourself to others is the worst thing you could do. Nothing good comes of this. I wish I could just make you see yourself through my eyes.

What were the fights about?

[LifeisLife]

haha i wish you were ;)

the fights were about many different things, one started out with me asking for a cookie and ended up in me getting another good friend, others were about me sitting in a chair where i dont usually sit and ended up in a fight (punching and scratching and kicking kind of fight).... there were so many! one was even because i drew on the chalkboard while there were 2 others drawing on the same place and ended in them going to the principal and me crying for another 2 lessons...

[Amaryllis]

Man... Kids are so mean these days. Well, seriously. They're a bunch of jerks. I really can't help you with making them nicer. I would if I could though. But what you can change is yourself. How you react to things. If they're mean, tell yourself it's them, not you. Because really, it's not you. You'll grow up and hopefully, so will they. And they'll see what idiots they were.

Don't let them make you fall down into the deep, dark spiral of depression and anorexia. They're not worth your pain.

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

URGH. :'( i dont want to change. if they cant handle me then f*ck them.... that's how i feel but at the same time i feel like this: you're right, i should be the one to change, not them.

i always think from 2 perspectives and it only hurts my head more. :'(

[Amaryllis]

There's a difference between what you know you SHOULD do and what your emotions tell you to do. What differentiates the wise from the idiots is which voice you choose to listen to. I'm not calling you an idiot because believe me, I've been the idiot more than I've been the wise.

I truly want to drown and starve and die. I really do. But I know you're thinking, I shouldn't. You know what's right. I chose to talk to my "friends" even though sometimes they were cruel. Really cruel. They're slowly starting to let me in. Not all. But one's all I need. You can change and when you do, so will they.

If you wear blue shades, the world will be blue. If you wear pink, you'll see pink.

This is so corny and Monte Carlo but umm... You must be the change you want to see in the world xD

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

To be honest, i dont know what to listen to this time. and yeah i also keep my "friends" and talk to them like nothing's going on while on the inside im just like: OMFG WHO THE F*CK CARES? I HATE YOU!

and no, others dont at this school, others change you, you dont change yourself.

[Amaryllis]

You can't expect them to love you if you hate them, Pim. You gotta learn to start from 0. Because babe, you're only hateable(is that a word) if you let yourself be. You can be sweet and kind and loveable when you want to :)

And you CAN change yourself. Don't let society mold you into what they want you to be. You're not a barbie doll on a factory line. Choose.

[LifeisLife]

the thing is that i pretend that im their friend, and i know they do too... i found out like this: i was at school and then i went to the bathroom and when i came back i heard them talking about me so i hid around the corner and listened to the conversation :( i know it was wrong to listen to them like that but im actually more happy knowing they think that too....

next year i'll just befriend the new people again! we're getting a full new class, i think there's gonna be plenty of people!

Don't let society mold you into what they want you to be. You're not a barbie doll on a factory line.
The thing is: at my school, there's only few people that are actually allowed to make decisions (with allowed i mean that if i would take a decision people wouldnt like me and i would be socially ruined and they wouldnt be) and if you disagree you can suck it and you're screwed.

[JayJaySpiritus]

thats probably not a eating disorder. but ask a doctor maybe?
me & my best mate have eating disorders... i mean we go 2weeks without eating... only ever eat when where with eachother.

[Amaryllis]

Don't lose hope, Pim. You'll make new friends and maybe you'll even find one that you become really close with. And they'll grow up. They'll realise how immature and idiotic they were

[LifeisLife]

i finally ate something after a full day (over 24 hours) of going only on water... :/

[Amaryllis]

i finally ate something after a full day (over 24 hours) of going only on water... :/

I'm so proud of you, Pim. Keep doing it. You know you can. You deserve daisies and flowers and food and love and hugs and kindness. That sounded kinda corny... But seriously, Pim. Don't do this to yourself. You're awesome. Really, you are. I've known you for what, 3 days? And I think you're a really great guy already.

Eat. Food is life. Don't choose death, Pim. Nothing good can come of this. Skinny is not worth the consequences. You either choose recovery or death and I know you're a smart boy. Choose the right one. Love you so much <3

Faith And Trust

[LifeisLife]

Don't lose hope, Pim. You'll make new friends and maybe you'll even find one that you become really close with. And they'll grow up. They'll realise how immature and idiotic they were I gave up hope when i was 8. I'll make new friends, have fights, make new ones again and again... it's a cycle.

thats probably not a eating disorder. but ask a doctor maybe?
me & my best mate have eating disorders... i mean we go 2weeks without eating... only ever eat when where with eachother.
I dont plan on going to anybody about this, that's why i went to this forum... I dont want anyone to think something's wrong or to KNOW something's wrong...

when peoples adopt worse eating habits . then they must affected by digestive disoders . so we really have needed to adopt proper eating plan . always eat healthy and at time . now ur relly needed to consulte about it with ur doctor . hopefully u will get well soon .
Ok, thanks... I'll try to make it ease in that im eating less and less and not just stopping and eating sh*tloads one day to the other...

Eat. Food is life. Don't choose death, Pim. Nothing good can come of this. Skinny is not worth the consequences. You either choose recovery or death and I know you're a smart boy. Choose the right one. Love you so much <3
I dont think i LOOK fat... i just feel fat. and i know, im not gonna eat because to me, that's the right one.

[TrAnSMaN09]

im going through the same thing hunnie, Sometimes i will eat sooo much and then other times i wont eat anything :s all depends on my mood

[LifeisLife]

im going through the same thing hunnie, Sometimes i will eat sooo much and then other times i wont eat anything :s all depends on my mood

since a while ago i've only been not-eating... or trying to. i've eaten something every other day or just something like 1 piece of plain bread and ofcourse drank water

[Amaryllis]

Pim, you're killing yourself. I don't know if this is your intention but you are. It's the same as taking a blade to your wrists or hanging yourself from the ceiling. What makes you think you deserve this? You're not fat, Pim. I feel fat too but I do not want to go back there. To my skinny days. Because trust me, it messes you up.

[LifeisLife]

But I don't want to be anorexia-skinny, I just don't want to be as fat as this. :l What makes me deserve this is my behaviour and way of talking. I only hurt people so I don't see why I would treat myself good anyways.

[Amaryllis]

You don't JUST hurt people. You help them too. And any skinnier than you are now WILL be anorexic skinny. And trust me, once you get into the whole weight loss thing, you're just going to keep going

[LifeisLife]

You don't JUST hurt people. You help them too. And any skinnier than you are now WILL be anorexic skinny. And trust me, once you get into the whole weight loss thing, you're just going to keep going I dont really... and how would you know? you haven't actually fully seen me and I'm not that skinny.

[Amaryllis]

I've seen you in pictures, Pim. Check any BMI calculator and it will tell you you aren't fat. Okay, I admit, I WANTED to be underweight. But Pim... I was naturally skinny before anorexia. Now I'm heavier than I EVER was. I hate myself for it. Please, please don't make the same mistake as me. I regret it every day of my life. I'm begging you

[LifeisLife]

the thing is that i know i'll get fatter so i'm trying to keep it up as long as possible... and about this:
Now I'm heavier than I EVER was.
you get fatter and heavier as you grow up... you keep getting heavier until you're like 30 - 40 years old...

[Amaryllis]

No, Pim. I'm serious. I'm "fatter" than I ever was. I am ADDICTED to food. I'm obsessed with it. It's become like... The thing I do every 2 hours. I cannot stop eating. You'll starve your body and you'll starve your mind. One day your survival mechanisms will kick in or you'll just snap. You cannot be anorexic and live. You have no choice but to die or recover.

Anorexia stunted my growth. I'm 5ft tall for the rest of my bloody life. My hair is gone. I had beautiful, dark, wavy hair that reached below my hip. I was BEAUTIFUL. If you care about your hair so much, eat.

[LifeisLife]

I'm obsessed with it. It's become like... The thing I do every 2 hours. I cannot stop eating. That's what i USED to be like...

Anorexia stunted my growth. I'm 5ft tall for the rest of my bloody life. That only encourages me to stop eating because I'm bullied about my height. (i'm 1.85 meters, which is around 6 feet.)


I do want to eat at times, but then I see the food and I think: "ew. dont eat that! it'll make you fat." so i eat like 2 bites or half of it and that's the only food i eat for the day... i've noticed i started eating more though... i ate 2 slices of bread and i'm probably gonna eat half my dinner too (: that's just in 1 day :/

[Amaryllis]

Baby steps, Pim. Just eats a bit more and then a bit. And soon you'll be eating normally. Food is not fat. It's fuel. It's life. It keeps you alive and it lets you do what you wanna do. Without it, you won't be able to function and you'll die. I nearly did. Food saved my life.

And I love tall guys. They're probably just jealous they're not as tall as you ;P

[LifeisLife]

I wont stop eating for like a week or more then 3 days... that's the maximum for me.

I'm pretty sure they're not jealous. They're average height, i'm over that and they make fun of me for that... it's as simple as this: i'm odd, they make fun of it.

[bakrb448]

Pim,
They're making fun of you for being 6ft... um wow. I'm going to go with they're probly jealous of your height. Personally, I'm 5'10"-5'11" and I'm average at my school... So yeah.

Anyway, just read this entire thread and um you like my long lost twin or something? srsly...

All I can say, is listen to Z

Personally, since summer vacation has started, I just havent been eating as much. I mean seriously just chips, a mountain dew or pepsi and then a dinner, or sometimes just skip dinner. IDK, I just havent been hungry.

And now I bet $5 Z will come and yell at me...

[LifeisLife]

I'm 5'10"-5'11" and I'm average at my school... same as people at my school. :l

Personally, since summer vacation has started, I just havent been eating as much. I mean seriously just chips, a mountain dew or pepsi and then a dinner, or sometimes just skip dinner. IDK, I just havent been hungry.

I havent been hungry since end of May. i usually eat like everything we have in our supplies when it's summer vacation, now i barely ever eat.

[Amaryllis]

Must. Resist. Yelling. At. Both.

Okay, seriously? Both of you: Eat. I don't care if you aren't hungry. I don't care if you think you're fat. I don't care if you don't like food. Eat. Or die. And be miserable.

Okay, sorry. It's just that seriously, skinny means even more depressed than what you are right now. I absolutely despise myself. I want to be what I was BEFORE anorexia. But I'm literally eating everything in front of me. And my boobs are getting bigger. I know that might not be a bad thing, but it is to me.

People will ridicule you no matter WHAT you are, Pim. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, "average", fat, skinny, stupid or smart, mean or nice, they will do whatever the bloody hell they want. Don't wait to be accepted, accept yourself first.

[bambino]

I'm sorry but I have to support FaithandTrust
she has patiently listened to you Pim
and relayed her experiences and urged you not to follow the same path as her and you don't seem to have listened at all or thanked her for being caring and supportive.

She is not 'yelling' at you, you have no idea of the things shes had to endure because of an ED or the things she has lost. She is trying to save your life and you can't appreciate that because you are so focused on 'being skinny' and continuously relaying how little you've been eating [which by the way, is highly triggering for others].

I understand her frustration! I tell so many VT users the horrors of an ED and how they'll be living with the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives, how the best thing is not to even start down that road. To begin trying to accept yourself, before its too late.

EDIT: people will be cruel, and put you down. There's not a person alive who hasn't been put down at one point in there life. So why should how you look define you? Being a kind hearted, selfless person is far more valuable. Looks fade, but the heart is eternal.
Pretty is as pretty does .

what would be more productive is looking at a route to recovery, and getting over these feelings of low self esteem. Get in contact with your GP, start counselling, inform your closest friends and family to be your support network and fight it.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks, Cat. I really appreciate it. It's kinda like talking to brick walls haha.

But I really do care about these brick walls. It's okay, I don't mind whatever they say. As long as they don't end up in the same path. Cat's right, Pim. Pretty is as pretty does. I might have been skinny before but MAN was a selfish. I wasn't someone you'd want to hang out with and no one did. I was a black hole, sucking everything and everyone in. No one talked or sat with me.

Now, I might be "fat". Well, at least, fatter than I ever was and I "feel" fat sometimes. But I'm kinder, more empathetic, gentler and I help others and that's all I really need. If I can help just one, that's good enough for me.

No one will know the goodness in you unless you see it for yourself. If you see your light, you will shine and others will see you glow too. Please, please, please don't destroy yourself. Anorexia is evil. It is a lose-lose battle. You win nothing.

Love,
Faith And Trust

[bambino]

But I'm kinder, more empathetic, gentler and I help others and that's all I really need. If I can help just one, that's good enough for me.


I think this is true of a lot of people who have experienced severe loneliness and suffering ): [which comes with an ED] they're often very compassionate to others and eager to 'save' them from the same fate.
Just remember hun, in reality they can only save themselves when they ready to want to change. Look after yourself and stay recovered, I hope this site isn't triggering for you.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks, Cat :) And actually, no, it's not. I find that I have to be a good role model. I can't give advice if I myself can't do it. And anyway, I'm really never going back there. It was horrible. It was like running up an escalator than was going the opposite way with a skeletal Ana just clinging on to me, trying to drag me down. It was hell. You're going against your natural survival mechanisms, you're going against yourself. Anorexia is the slowest, most painful form of suicide. It doesn't happen overnight. You die a little more each day. But that death isn't an easy death that frees you from your pains. It's a slow death that magnifies every bit of pain you've ever felt in your life.

[bambino]

I'm glad then (:
I know, anorexia is a slow unnatural suicide that leaves you hating yourself more than you ever thought possible. It's just hard explaining to people that are so desperate to be thin, that food = beauty and happiness. Like you said, the fuel for life.

[bakrb448]

@FaithandTrust
No, I no I'm not Fat...
Um for some irony, im basicly the same weight I was 3-4 months ago.
Ht: 5'11"
Wt:128.1"bs
Body Fat %: 10.8
BMI:17.9

If i recall correctly I WAS
5'9"-5'10"
128
Body Fat: 12.?%
BMI:18.?

But Yeah Pim EAT!

now since its on my mind
when my dad graduated HS, he was 5'11" and weighed 110ish SOAKING WET.

Just eat man, and excuse my french, ignore the mother fucking assholes :D


For the Record IMHO, any BMI between 17-20 is Thin, imo. 21-25, normal, 25-28 fine 28+ eh Fat

[LifeisLife]

I ate like 3 pancakes and 2 slices of pizza today :/ I dont like saying it or thinking about it and I had to stuff it down my throat, but I ate it all :) :( ? Anyways, I decided I'm going to at least eat 2 slices of bread every day (or something else, as long as i take 2 of it.) i just hope that i can actually stick to this.

btw: Cat, when you say this: I think this is true of a lot of people who have experienced severe loneliness and suffering ): [which comes with an ED] I feel like you mean that severe loneliness and suffering only comes because of an ED? If thats not what you mean can you clear that up for me? :/

[Amaryllis]

Cat meant that with an ED, comes MORE loneliness and suffering. Believe me, it's true. You'll just be even more miserable. Anorexia affects both mind and body. It's not a nice way to die. You'll become OBSESSED with food. It'll run your life. You won't care about anything else and everyone will give up on you and you'll give up on yourself.

2 slices of bread is better than nothing but you really should try to eat more. But baby steps are steps nonetheless :) Keep going.

<3

[LifeisLife]

I dont see how my friends wouldn't want to hang out with me or not want to talk to me if I didn't eat a lot though?

[Amaryllis]

When you don't eat, you grow weak. Too weak to talk, laugh, study, live. You slowly become obsessed with food. So obsessed you don't care about anything else. It's like a starving man yearning for food. Your head might say you don't want it but trust me, your body does. You won't be able to concentrate on anything but food, people will grow tired of you and your grades will plummet. You won't want anything because all your body wants is food. You'll grow to hate yourself, everyone and life more than you already do.

Your hair will fall. I had beautiful thick dark hair. Now I hardly have any. You wi screw up your metabolism. Your skin will dry and shrivel. You will puke your guts out and everyday will be a living hell. You will be in pain. You will feel your body burning itself for fuel. Believe me, the pain of your body eating itself and your organs shutting down is unbearable. Your eyes will be permanently damaged and you will not be able to keep them open or cry without them feeling like they're being stabbed with a million needles.

I do not exaggerate. I lived with Ana and I am still living with the consequences. I wish I stayed with what I was. I ended up fatter than I ever was. I wish I could take this pain away. I wish my hair would grow. I wish I wasn't obsessed with food. I wish I never let Ana in.

Anorexia ruined my life. A year of anorexia beat my 7 years of depression. It beats my scars. It beats my wounds. It took my love for music, it took what I loved the most. It made me grow up faster than any 14 year old should. I gave away a year of my life to Ana. That is a year of my life that I will never get back. And all the years of my life ahead of me that will be spent making sure I never go back.

I want to turn back time but I can't. I am stuck with these eyes, this body, these memories, this obsession, this HATE for the rest of my life. I want to die.

You choose. Choose to dig your own grave and make your own torture chamber or choose to be free. But know that if you choose to go down the path I did, you will never be happy.

Hate,
Hell And Torture

[LifeisLife]

I doubt I'll get obsessed with it, but I don't want to end up like that. I'm going to try and stick to the 2 slices of bread per day (minimum) thing and see what happens.

[bambino]

Cat meant that with an ED, comes MORE loneliness and suffering. Believe me, it's true. You'll just be even more miserable. Anorexia affects both mind and body. It's not a nice way to die. You'll become OBSESSED with food. It'll run your life. You won't care about anything else and everyone will give up on you and you'll give up on yourself.

2 slices of bread is better than nothing but you really should try to eat more. But baby steps are steps nonetheless :) Keep going.

<3

thankyou FaithAndTrust

I didn't mean that you never experience any ills without an ED, but with it your suffering becomes tenfold.

What most people don't realise in the early stages of anorexia, is that once you are actually as thin as you wanted- you will be too ill to get out of your bed and live, no-one will see you looking thin, no-one will want to see you because by this point you will hardly have any friends left, you're left alone on 'bed rest' they call it to stop you burning any more calories, you have a nurse take you to the bathroom [yes, they have to watch you urinate], they wake you up every hour through the night to take your blood pressure and make sure your heart hasn't failed. You spend your waking hours crying and wishing you were dead. And guess what. You still don't think you're thin enough.

[Amaryllis]

Cat, I couldn't have put it any better. You just summed everything up into one amazing paragraph

[bambino]

thank you hun,
i've commented on your profile x

I'm thinking of making a thread, but in the form of a letter to all the people in various stages of an ED- basically taking everything we've been saying in this thread and more- to formulate a warning/message, what do you think?

[Amaryllis]

I think that's a great idea! Man, I shoulda thought of that haha. You're amazing :)

[bambino]

I wouldn't have thought to do it without seeing you trying to help others! and with your approval (:

I've used quite a few quotes from you! I hope thats okay? x

[Lethe]

I try to eat 3 small meals a day, around 900-1200 calories. I'm hoping to keep it at the 800-900 calorie range every day, exercising and burning around 250+ calories a day. This way hopefully I will lose plenty of weight, or at least enough to be considered thin.

I keep my eating habits strictly monitored because I want to be in control and be able to lose weight.

[LifeisLife]

I try to eat 3 small meals a day, around 900-1200 calories. I'm hoping to keep it at the 800-900 calorie range every day, exercising and burning around 250+ calories a day. This way hopefully I will lose plenty of weight, or at least enough to be considered thin.

I keep my eating habits strictly monitored because I want to be in control and be able to lose weight.

I don't count calories and carbs, I just don't eat or eat minimum amount (dinner)

[percyholl]

Eating habits are very important for our health. Proper eating habit gives healthy and long life. so for a healthy life every one should eat balanced food.

[Lethe]

I wish I could just not eat for a week and lost 10lbs. That'd make my life a whole lot easier. But I've never even gone one day without eating something. How pathetic is that?

[Amaryllis]

@Dee,
That's not called pathetic. That's called survival You will end up bingeing non-stop every single day. You will end up heavier than you ever were. No one can help you if you don't want to be helped. A zillion people can tell you you're beautiful but if you don't think so, you never will be.

Don't wait for everyone to leave and give up on you like they did me.