afraid

[rissa-_-]

i'm afraid of people understanding where i come from. afraid of them telling others. i just can't take that risk. i can't stand to be judged anymore. try to care but they really don't. they think they can help but they just can't. can't take people laughing at me because of everything.
afraid of my past reoccuing now. afraid of how people will treat me. afraid of the ubuse i recieved when i was younger. afraid of my parents not caring what i do. i could die and they probably won't care.
afraid to speak out my mind because i know my dad will be there to hear or read every conversastion. i feel like he's embarrassed because of my actions. i'm afraid if i do abuse myself again i'll feel like my dad won't feel the same. like he'll actually see what happened ages ago (cuts, erase marks, pencil marks on my arms)
i'm afraid if i don't eat i'll get yelled at. i use to starve myself, but that was like two years ago. my mom still won't believe me that i stopped.
i'm afraid if i don't speak out i won't be recognized. but just too shy. like i go to church every sunday and the preacher didn't talk to me for at least two months. (and now that we spoke he gives me these weird stares when i'm around my aunt and uncle) that's why i feel so bad, because i can't talk to people. it's like a challenge for me to accomplish.
afraid of being with family. i think when i leave to room, they'll talk bad about me. thinking they don't like me. thinking i'm a bad influence when i barely speak to them. on my dad's side makes me the most scared to talk to. i mean they just make me uncomfortable because of my dad's past. . .

[Nihilus]

I can somewhat relate to this. When I was growing up (grades 3-9) I was picked on all the time. People made fun of me all the time, they were antisemitic to me, and other things I'd rather not remember. Life will get better. If your parents are the problem or the community is, well life will get better when you can get out and to college or were ever you plan on going. Find someone, a teacher, a counselor, someone who you can talk to. A therapist can also help too. Talking to someone will help. With all the abuse I was put through with my peers, I had a hard time adjusting to high school and talking, but I can tell you life will get better. I wish I could help more. Pm me if you want to talk.

[1_21Guns]

Eventually, you have to wake up and not care what everyone else thinks and just be yourself. Ultimately, the only person who has any right to judge and be disappointed in you is yourself, you set your own goals, you make your own future. Sure, your parents gave birth to you, doesn't mean they have a right to control you.
Living in fear is something I did for the first 14 years of my life until my parents split up, it's a horrible, horrible feeling. But in the end, you can't spend your life being afraid of everything, when there's such a big world out there waiting to be explored.
Like Benjamin said, confide in someone you trust it does help. And it does get better, it gets so much better

Stay strong Rissa :hug3: