Painted_Indian_Horse
July 11th, 2011, 10:45 PM
no appetite. no car. no horses. no money. no happiness.
So many problems, where do I start?
I guess I should begin with the finalization of my mother's divorce. As of March or something, her and my step-dad are officially divorced. But he's still in the house, taking his sweet time packing up his shit and brainwashing my little brother. Of course he couldn't make things easy. Not at all, cause that doesn't make any sense. But then again, my psycho mother doesn't help things. She insisted on keeping the house, so now she's been dumped with all those bills. Between that, her champagne taste, and her dwindling inheritance, I'm going to be in a cardboard box soon. Yes, she's been living her whole goddamn life, and mine and my brother's, off her inheritance. But it's gonna run out sometime, and she doesn't make that much. I hate all the anxiety I get from wondering if I'm going to have to stop riding. I know mother says she'd never let that happen to me, I have my doubts. She keeps living that lifestyle like nothing's changed, like the debt isn't piling up in her wake. It drives me insane.
Also I've been stranded in my house with nothing to do for the past few days. But this is a whole other branch off my anxiety tree. I got in a car accident last sunday, the 3rd. I pulled out into traffic and was merging into the left lane when a motorcycle came up my left side. The window shattered on me and the bike took off my mirror before flipping into the median. The passenger was fine, but the driver hit his head on the road and died later at the hospital... so now I'm a murderer. with no car--no escape. I never realized how easy it was for me to get away and live my own life with my car. I didn't realize how independent I was, how independent I HAD to be to get things done. Now I am returned the life of not having a ride anywhere. To the barn, the store, my friends, nowhere. I've been bored to death in my house for the last day. Before that I had a lucky strike and was at a friend's house for a few days, going to the barn. But now it's back to being alone and bored. After the accident I started cutting again. I have no appetite. I can't sleep normal hours. Everything is hanging over my head like a slowly descending noose, ready to trap me around the neck. Then again, I might as well welcome it. I don't have anything going for me. Not anymore.
sorry for the rant. It just seems like... right when life seemed to be figuring itself out, just when things were getting better, looking up... everything was yanked away. and I'm back to misery. I'm starting to question the real purpose behind living once more. I have the pills, the knives. What's keeping me from doing it, already? :mad: :( :confused:
So many problems, where do I start?
I guess I should begin with the finalization of my mother's divorce. As of March or something, her and my step-dad are officially divorced. But he's still in the house, taking his sweet time packing up his shit and brainwashing my little brother. Of course he couldn't make things easy. Not at all, cause that doesn't make any sense. But then again, my psycho mother doesn't help things. She insisted on keeping the house, so now she's been dumped with all those bills. Between that, her champagne taste, and her dwindling inheritance, I'm going to be in a cardboard box soon. Yes, she's been living her whole goddamn life, and mine and my brother's, off her inheritance. But it's gonna run out sometime, and she doesn't make that much. I hate all the anxiety I get from wondering if I'm going to have to stop riding. I know mother says she'd never let that happen to me, I have my doubts. She keeps living that lifestyle like nothing's changed, like the debt isn't piling up in her wake. It drives me insane.
Also I've been stranded in my house with nothing to do for the past few days. But this is a whole other branch off my anxiety tree. I got in a car accident last sunday, the 3rd. I pulled out into traffic and was merging into the left lane when a motorcycle came up my left side. The window shattered on me and the bike took off my mirror before flipping into the median. The passenger was fine, but the driver hit his head on the road and died later at the hospital... so now I'm a murderer. with no car--no escape. I never realized how easy it was for me to get away and live my own life with my car. I didn't realize how independent I was, how independent I HAD to be to get things done. Now I am returned the life of not having a ride anywhere. To the barn, the store, my friends, nowhere. I've been bored to death in my house for the last day. Before that I had a lucky strike and was at a friend's house for a few days, going to the barn. But now it's back to being alone and bored. After the accident I started cutting again. I have no appetite. I can't sleep normal hours. Everything is hanging over my head like a slowly descending noose, ready to trap me around the neck. Then again, I might as well welcome it. I don't have anything going for me. Not anymore.
sorry for the rant. It just seems like... right when life seemed to be figuring itself out, just when things were getting better, looking up... everything was yanked away. and I'm back to misery. I'm starting to question the real purpose behind living once more. I have the pills, the knives. What's keeping me from doing it, already? :mad: :( :confused: