Tristin.
July 10th, 2011, 04:16 PM
this is a semi rant, semi fiction piece of work. please read it as it would mean alot to me :)
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That day you sauntered into our geography class i fell in love on sight. your blond hair, deep rown eyes. when you looked at me i saw that secret smile you had creep into the corner of your mouth. i think we spent most of that class drawing and laughing other than listening to the teacher. "Alliance".
i remember the first time we stayed over at each others homes, summer holiday.
i remember talking for hours, laughing, playing on xbox, remember you showed be oblivion? i can remember shaking like i was dancing naked on ice while we played that o'hallow of games TorD. i remember falling asleep in your arms, the smell of your hair.
i remember the first time you said "is this still a game?" i remember replying "no" and laughing like i was drunk on your sight, im sure i was. i remember kissing your lips.. i remember my first kiss.
i remember your birthday, playing hide and seek at midnight, 11 people, one huge back garden and some stolen vodka, how solid we felt. i remember our cheeky kiss under the tree. i remember getting caught and we just lied about it, saying the light was playing tricks, i still cant believed that worked.
days past. nights past. bed sheets passed.
i remember the first time i admitted i loved you. i was scared and terrified you didnt feel the same. i remember you kissing me and saying you loved me. i remember not believeing you, i wasnt worht you.
i remember the way it ended, 9 months of living hell.
depression, cutting, fear. all this because of you, and i still loved you.
i remember our little talk. i remember seeing how stupid i was, how egocentric you are. i remember feeling pity for you when i told you "im over you, thank you for saying that" i remember the rage you went into "everyone loves me! how can you not love me" i remember my reply "i loved the show, that is one thing i will not deny you, you are a great actor, a shwoman to the very end. goodnight and goodbye"
i remember the feeling of uncertainty i felt after this, i remember the fear. what would you do the following day?.......... you ignored me like i didnt exist.
"yes, how gallant, ignore me. but iv seen you naked dear" that thought got me through the day.
days passed. weeks past. months have now passed.
i still fear you, i still hate you. I still Pity you.
for beneath all the shows, beneath the padgentry, beneath the "hard man" cover, does anyone truely love you? are you the scared little boy i thought i was, are you the weak one? i think you are. I doubt anyone will ever know what your true feelings are, your true thoughts, for your show is so large and dazzling, who stops to think about the small things iv seen in you. no one.
so 3 years later, here i stand. battered, brusied, cut and crushed. a shadow of the boy i was. low confidence, a dash of self hatred and an overwhelming sence of hope. While your playing your games, im recovering and i will be strong again. i will be the boy i was again. And when i am, i swear, i will be better than ever, i will live my life my way, i will not put up with your shit ever again, for now, you have no hold over me. i no longer love you. i pity you. and you will never take that from me.
Never. iam recovering, iam strong, iam me.
_________________________________________________________________
That day you sauntered into our geography class i fell in love on sight. your blond hair, deep rown eyes. when you looked at me i saw that secret smile you had creep into the corner of your mouth. i think we spent most of that class drawing and laughing other than listening to the teacher. "Alliance".
i remember the first time we stayed over at each others homes, summer holiday.
i remember talking for hours, laughing, playing on xbox, remember you showed be oblivion? i can remember shaking like i was dancing naked on ice while we played that o'hallow of games TorD. i remember falling asleep in your arms, the smell of your hair.
i remember the first time you said "is this still a game?" i remember replying "no" and laughing like i was drunk on your sight, im sure i was. i remember kissing your lips.. i remember my first kiss.
i remember your birthday, playing hide and seek at midnight, 11 people, one huge back garden and some stolen vodka, how solid we felt. i remember our cheeky kiss under the tree. i remember getting caught and we just lied about it, saying the light was playing tricks, i still cant believed that worked.
days past. nights past. bed sheets passed.
i remember the first time i admitted i loved you. i was scared and terrified you didnt feel the same. i remember you kissing me and saying you loved me. i remember not believeing you, i wasnt worht you.
i remember the way it ended, 9 months of living hell.
depression, cutting, fear. all this because of you, and i still loved you.
i remember our little talk. i remember seeing how stupid i was, how egocentric you are. i remember feeling pity for you when i told you "im over you, thank you for saying that" i remember the rage you went into "everyone loves me! how can you not love me" i remember my reply "i loved the show, that is one thing i will not deny you, you are a great actor, a shwoman to the very end. goodnight and goodbye"
i remember the feeling of uncertainty i felt after this, i remember the fear. what would you do the following day?.......... you ignored me like i didnt exist.
"yes, how gallant, ignore me. but iv seen you naked dear" that thought got me through the day.
days passed. weeks past. months have now passed.
i still fear you, i still hate you. I still Pity you.
for beneath all the shows, beneath the padgentry, beneath the "hard man" cover, does anyone truely love you? are you the scared little boy i thought i was, are you the weak one? i think you are. I doubt anyone will ever know what your true feelings are, your true thoughts, for your show is so large and dazzling, who stops to think about the small things iv seen in you. no one.
so 3 years later, here i stand. battered, brusied, cut and crushed. a shadow of the boy i was. low confidence, a dash of self hatred and an overwhelming sence of hope. While your playing your games, im recovering and i will be strong again. i will be the boy i was again. And when i am, i swear, i will be better than ever, i will live my life my way, i will not put up with your shit ever again, for now, you have no hold over me. i no longer love you. i pity you. and you will never take that from me.
Never. iam recovering, iam strong, iam me.