Thrice this week.

[Aceso]

I think I know. Half of it, anyway.
Almost every night. I can barely sleep. When I do all I dream about is me or close ones getting tortured, murdered and other hideous things. I wake up shaking and I can't get back to sleep.
Each night and every morning I can't get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. And it's getting so much more tempting each time. It started off once a fortnight, just a little whisper. But yet now it's more than once every single fucking day and it's screaming so loud I can barely hear anything else.
Thrice. Thrice this week I've been so close to trying. One with a blade and a sink, another with a box of pills and the other just now with a belt. Every time I've stopped myself.
What am I doing? It's getting dangerous. Too dangerous. But this is a different type of depression I usually feel. It's not the feeling that 'nothing's going to change or it never get's better. I want it to but I can't.' This emotion is more like 'I'm dead already. I just want to die. I don't care anymore.'
I feel like I'm running on automatic. Rather than my mind and body working together, my mind is telling my body what to do. My limbs feel heavy. I feel so tired. I just want everything to end.
I don't feel 'suicidal' in the sense that I don't want to die particularly. The impulse or ambition isn't there, but the thoughts and feelings are overwhelmingly strong. And I don't know how much more I can resist. I know I'm going to do it - that feeling that at some point it's going to happen again. And I HATE knowing that, I know I'm not going to escape it either.
I don't know what to think. What the fuck am I doing?! :(

[Thanatos]

Honestly, do you have anyone at all who you trust more then anything? A best friend, sister, aunt, counselor, anyone? That would be the best thing to do. Find someone you trust whole-heartedly, sit them down and tell them everything you just posted, or if you couldnt bear to say it, show them this post. This way they can help you get through this on a more personal level then anyone here can offer.

In the mean time, know that you are strong. It takes strength to go through these experiences, come so close, and stop yourself. You need to keep up that strength. Think about your family and/or friends, what would happen to them if you did this.

You can make it through this. Also: I'd recommend going to the store and looking for pills called Melatonin. Its a natural enzyme or something your body creates to relax, except in pill form. They help so much with sleeping, me and my mom both use them as we have sleep apnea, and can't fall asleep without them.

[DoctorNewbie]

I agree with Thanatos wholeheartedly. Maybe a therapist would help.

Anyways, sleep meds might help with the dreams, (or at least I think they will) Also, try to focus on friends, music, or anything that intrestsyou whenever you feel suicidal urges. I do hope I've helped.

Regards

[Technosnake]

What I do is I keep a journal of my dreams, everytime I have a bad one I try to figure out what caused it that day. I also keep a journal of all the times I think of committing suicide, with that I write down how I feel and why I feel that way so I can try and avoid those feelings through the day and the rest of my life. If it gets hard seek therapy, that always helped me.

[Aceso]

Honestly, do you have anyone at all who you trust more then anything? A best friend, sister, aunt, counselor, anyone?

I agree with Thanatos wholeheartedly. Maybe a therapist would help.

Regards
Thanks for your replies. The reason I dont tell anyone is because when i do my trust is always ruined and my privacy is completely disrespected.like when i took the overdose, all they did was just pass me from one person to another, didnt even LISTEN to my opinions or views and got a stupid number of people involved. They broke me in a way, because i dont really care who knows anymore. I cant even trust my friends anymore because several times when ive told them i cut or im suicidal or whatever theyve broken my trust etc. So no, there is no one.

If it gets hard seek therapy, that always helped me.
Ive been trying therapy for two years, its not helping me really, apart from someone to vent my frustrations to once a week. :(
Theyre back again tonight. I just want this to all end.

[Jonathon]

Think about life, think about a new hobby, something to get your mind off the track of suicide. Talk to people, talk to close people. Go out and see what fun you can do with your life. Whilst reading this thread you realize that people don't want you to die. You might not know them, but it's still good because people don't want you to die. You're a unique person in this world, we all are. You've just got to get past those thoughts and live life. It may be a tough thing to do but just find something that sets you apart from others and makes you better than what you think you are.

[madjoker525]

hey, i went through a similar situation a few years ago. i dont know why, just really depressed, and had the "tools" to do it, just couldnt.

in a time like this that you are facing, you need to turn to friends and family, the ones you love, to help you through this. trust me, from experience, it sounds whack, but a therapist really helps. i saw one two nights a week for 2 or 3 months, and it helpes talking to someone who i didnt know, to give me a completely different perspective on live etc

if you need to talk feel free to message me or anything, ive been through what youre going through before and would be more than happy to help

[Redemptive]

I know you don't care who cares but I for one, do. I feel the exact same right now and have also attempted suicide before. I don't have much advice or I wouldn't be in the same boat but try to find a sense of purpose, something to work towards. Other than that, I'm also here to talk to like madjoker.