Anybody got themselves into this situation

[ChaseThisLight]

So last night I was with someone I trust greatly. This person is aware that I do have a self harm problem, however the extent and regularity of my problem is unknown to the person.

We were joking about and I began to feel very insecure in my head and what I call my "haze" clouded over and I needed to feel pain to get my back to feeling normal. It's like I needed the burn.

I have had two server episodes in front of this person, meaning that I could not afford to lash out at my self in their company.

The person hit me as a joke. I made the person keep hitting me harder and harder and harder, because I needed to feel pain.

In 9 years of self harming, I have never ever wanted anyone else to cause me pain. Last night, I didn't just want it, I needed it. and i loved it.

I'm really really scaring my self lately.

Thought?

Chase x

[CyanideGoodnight]

Yup, I've done this before, I would hit my friends as a joke knowing they would hit back, afterword I would be sick of myself but during I would just embrace each slap, no matter how light or meant as a joke.

[ChaseThisLight]

Yup, I've done this before, I would hit my friends as a joke knowing they would hit back, afterword I would be sick of myself but during I would just embrace each slap, no matter how light or meant as a joke.

that's exactly how i felt. only I kept saying it didn't hurt, taunting the person saying that their action was weak so the person would do it harder. It got really really hard at the end. :( im spiraling to new lows.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Yeah, that's exactly what I did, too. And as for the spiral, do you go to therapy at all? I found that the group therapy I go to is practically the only reason I don't cut as much and the spiral didn't keep spiraling out of control

[NeverGiveUp]

Yep, I've done that before, I used to get my friends to hit me as a joke, Well, If they slapped me as a joke, I would "say oh do that again?" and handed them my arm. They'd ask why, I'd simply say "just wanted to see how long you can go before i find it painful" ..Went on for a while as you can probably imagine..

[ChaseThisLight]

Yeah, that's exactly what I did, too. And as for the spiral, do you go to therapy at all? I found that the group therapy I go to is practically the only reason I don't cut as much and the spiral didn't keep spiraling out of control

I have never tried therapy. Which is hard to believe. In what ways do u feel like it helps you? I will have therapy available to me when i'm back at uni in september :) Thanks for the advice.

Yep, I've done that before, I used to get my friends to hit me as a joke, Well, If they slapped me as a joke, I would "say oh do that again?" and handed them my arm. They'd ask why, I'd simply say "just wanted to see how long you can go before i find it painful" ..Went on for a while as you can probably imagine..

It got to a point last night where it involved a leather belt. :(

[CyanideGoodnight]

Group gives me a support base and an area to talk about things I refuse to talk about with my other friends, like my cutting. Individual gives me coping methods and I can go more into the issue. Just make sure you get a therapist you can trust, or it won't work.

[Magenta]

I don't think I've ever had this happen but I don't think it's unusual. It's interesting, if anything (sorry, not to come off as insensitive, just curious).

Obviously this isn't any better for you than self-harm. Speaking to a therapist might help. Therapy is different for everybody but often you have to give it a chance to see what it does for you. There are lots of services available and if there's one for you at university, that's great. It's close!

[ChaseThisLight]

I don't think I've ever had this happen but I don't think it's unusual. It's interesting, if anything (sorry, not to come off as insensitive, just curious).

Obviously this isn't any better for you than self-harm. Speaking to a therapist might help. Therapy is different for everybody but often you have to give it a chance to see what it does for you. There are lots of services available and if there's one for you at university, that's great. It's close!

I think its unusual also.

In many ways im hoping to speak to people on here and try to use this as therapy in the short term. Just not sure how to do it properly yet.

I hope that helps me.

[Magenta]

I think its unusual also.

In many ways im hoping to speak to people on here and try to use this as therapy in the short term. Just not sure how to do it properly yet.

I hope that helps me.

There's no real proper way. Just talk, we reply and hopefully you get something out of it!

:hug3:

[Love.Hate]

I know someone has hit me and i wanted them to do it harder, but i didnt ask them too. I think that its common, but i dont know why your friend kept hurting you.

[ChaseThisLight]

I know someone has hit me and i wanted them to do it harder, but i didnt ask them too. I think that its common, but i dont know why your friend kept hurting you.

I made the person look stupid by saying it didnt hurt, until they got so competitive they wanted it to hurt so they did not look weak.

I feel so low about this.

[Love.Hate]

I made the person look stupid by saying it didnt hurt, until they got so competitive they wanted it to hurt so they did not look weak.

I feel so low about this.

Dont, its not your fault.

I know what its like to want that pain, to be hit harder and harder. But you know its not worth it right? Makes you feel like this, and guilty for wanting that pain.

[ChaseThisLight]

Dont, its not your fault.

I know what its like to want that pain, to be hit harder and harder. But you know its not worth it right? Makes you feel like this, and guilty for wanting that pain.

I've hurt myself since I was 10, I always felt terrible after.

Recently, when I have lashed out on my self however, say just one punch; the guilty feeling from that made me want to hurt myself even more.

It's almost like I punish myself, then I feel bad for punishing myself, then want to punish myself more because of that.

I guess on here we all have something in common:

we all hate our minds.

[Love.Hate]

Yes, i know. You want to punish yourself for punishing yourself.

But things get better, eventually. One day you will find you dont need it as much, or anymore.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

Yep,I pick on my older brother knowing he'll hit me,as a joke,but he really doesnt know his own strength.