i cut again...

[krazy_katie]

this morning i got a call from my best friends mom telling me she killed herself last night. i don't know what happend, or what sent her over the edge. for the past year or so i have been helping her and supporting her while she tried to overcome her eating disorder, anorexia, and i guess she was just done trying to live a life she didn't want to live. she overdosed on pills and slashed her wrists. i don't blame her for wanting to die, God knows i have wanted to for so long now, but it is going to be so much harder now that she's gone. i miss her so much. she was really the only reason i am still alive, i didn't want to disappoint her and let her down. so to get myself through today i cut myself. all over my arms and legs. i just didn't want to feel the pain in my heart anymore. i miss her so much. i want to die so bad but i have to stay strong for her mom, at least for the next couple of days. i wish i had seen this coming, i know the old cliche says you can't hold yoursself responsible, but i do. i was her best friend. i don't know what to do.

[krazy_katie]

well the funeral was today. it was the hardest thing i have had to do in such a long time. i skipped going to the viewing yesterday because i didn't want to see her in that casket not looking the way i remember her. i miss her so much still. now that all this is over i really don't see what i have to live for anymore. her mom doesn't need me, she has her family and she says it is too hard to see me because it just makes her miss kris more. my life doesn't seem real anymore, like i don;t even belong her anymore. i don't know what to do. i miss her so much, it is killing me. i guess i just don't see the point of living anymore. there is nothing here for me anymore. i don't want to cut anymore, and i don't want to live anymore.

[krazy_katie]

i think it is just amazing how no one seems to care. wonderful.

[schrei jess]

I care, I do. But Im not sure what to say. I cant control my own cutting, so Im not sure how to help someone else with their's.

Ill listen if you need someone to just listen, but other than that I cant be of much help. But I care.

[krazy_katie]

sorry didn't mean to be rude/mean/ whatever.

[schrei jess]

No you weren't any of those! I understand why you need someone there. Sometimes, people dont know what to say - so they feel like it's better to say nothing at all. And most probably dont know what to say to make you feel better, Im sure there isnt much that would make you feel okay after all that you've been through. But we do care here, it's just... we dont know what to say.

[krazy_katie]

i understand. there isn't something specific i want someone to say, i wouldn't know what to say to someone in my situation either i guess. i'm just lost and hurt and in pain and i just wish kris were back here with like she should be. i don't think it is fair that she left me here to deal with all of this. part of me wishes she would've told me what she was going to do and we could've gone together or something. because i sure as hell know that right now living is too hard, and too much. i don't want to do this anymore.

[Underground_Network]

God that sucks. I could never imagine what it would be like for one of my closest friends to commit suicide. I don't cut, but i've attempted suicide. I almost killed myself successfully a few months ago. But i've strenghthened emotionally and i'm in control. I think you have to leave your friends life behind and look forward to your future. I'm sure you have other friends. And i think you should find someone to support you and help you through your struggles. I wanna die so bad, but i want all the other dying to stop. I realize that i want to die for a cause. I want to take a bullet for my friend. I want to die for a good reason. Don't just look down on the past, look up at the future. Look at your life and compare to what it must be like for the little, starving kids in Africa. You'll realize you have a reason to live. You only live life once, so make the most of it. I hope I was of help.
Apathy is better than empathy or sympathy. Its better to have no emotion, than to feel remorse or regret, don't do yourself injustice. Don't blame yourself for something you didn't do. Was the knife in your hand? NO! Remember that. You did nothing wrong. As a matter of fact you did your best. Failure is part of life. In fact 90% of life is failure. We fail all the time. Don't let this one little thing let you down. My future is going to be fucked up, i can guarantee that, but you have a bright future ahead of you. Always keep your friend in memory, but don't blame yourself. Apathy cures emotion. If you have thoughts of suicide, just don't think at all. Stop thinking, think of someone else in your situation, do you want to be like your friend? When you kill yourself you hurt people more, than you actually hurt yourself. I know that if i ever killed myself, my mom might even follow, and i don't want that to happen. I don't want my loved ones to have fucked up lives because of me. Thats what keeps me going, not thoughts of myself, but the impact i have on others.

[krazy_katie]

i don't have any other friends like kris. she was the only other girl, besides a friend from school, that i really opened up to the most. we grew up together, we went through the same things together. she supported me whenever i cut, i supported her whenever she relapsed back into anorexia. we were so close. and it is so hard to think that i could go on living my life, one that i hate thinking about now, one that i hated living even before she died. she was the only reason i didn't kill myself, and now she isn't here. now there is nothing stopping me. except fear, but i can get over that i think.

[krazy_katie]

i thank you guys for your kindness, your understanding, your compassion, and your hearts. you guys will keep on making a difference in people's lives. thanks for listening to my ranting and raving. but i am done now. i really am. i don't want to do this anymore. i CAN'T do this anymore. life is too hard for me, and now without kris, i see no point. i'm sorry i wasted you guys' time.

[*lynn*]

just for those of you who are interested, katie killed herself last night. without kris alive anymore, she couldn't/wouldn't cope anymore with her life. just wanted to let you guys know.

[thesphinx]

oh :( im sorry!

[Hyper]

Should've posted.. Thought this would go as it always does....

[Underground_Network]

Well Lynn, i hope you don't do anything that drastic, and i'm really sorry, I wish I could have helped more. :(

[~Dazed&&Confused~]

sorta drastic dont ya think?.. im sorry for your loss by the way..