daniel711
July 6th, 2011, 10:27 AM
Um...hi. So I have this problem. For a bunch of years now, I've been pretty confused about my sexuality. I've watched a lot of gay porn in the past, and while it tends to get a rise out of me faster than straight porn, I never end up feeling as good in the end as I do when watching straight porn. I've kept that to myself for the most part, except for when I told my two best friends once that I watch gay porn. In addition, I find myself crushing on guys more often than girls, but that may be a shyness thing, since I freeze up and become really timid around girls I like.
Anyway, I've never been in a relationship, so I've never felt like I could reasonably state whether or not I'm gay, bi, or straight. And any time, I've liked a friend, I've assumed it's just an emotional thing, since truth be told, I don't like the idea of me having sex with another guy. That might be because I was molested/raped/forced into sex for 5 years by my older brothers back in the day, so I probably never recovered from that. So I might feel a physical and emotional attraction to men, but never a sexual one. I figure that perhaps it has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but rather, me liking both genders is just me being a very lonely person and wanting to be in a relationship, regardless of who it's with. These are the thoughts that usually run through my head, and I deal with them accordingly. Until now.
Recently, I've been hanging out with a friend who I'll call Alex. I didn't know Alex well before this past semester in college, but him and I have become really good friends. He's straight, but his personality makes him act really cute/affectionate (when I say cute, I mean it as a personality thing, not a physical one. So maybe cutesy is a better word? Idk). Like, he'll be on his bed and I'll be on the floor, and we'll be talking, and he'll start making little patterns on my kneecap with his toe. Or I was washing his dishes once one morning (I had a hangover and couldn't go back to sleep), and when he saw me washing them, he came up behind me and hugged me from there, and gave me this very kind of sleepy, kind of happy "hi." He doesn't care at all if people sleep on the same bed as him, so I've slept next to him a bunch of times, and he always smiles and says good morning when he wakes up and sees me, regardless of where I am in the room. And yes, I've slept in the same bed as him even when nobody else was around, and there were many other places to sleep at. I enjoy the times that I spend with him, and he enjoys them too. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that he's one of my best friends.
Which is why being around him is torture. I like him a lot; his personality is a lot of what I'd want from a person in a relationship. But I know I can't have it. And I'm not even quite sure if I'd want it. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like there would be nothing better than to just wrap him up in my arms and hold him and caress him. Which isn't a very straight thought. I was hanging out with him on Sunday and Monday, just him and I for the most part, and it was fun. Except on Monday, I completely broke down. I woke up, looked at him and his sleepy face, thinking about how happy it all made me, and I started crying. And then laughing. And then crying. And when he was awake, he became more and more pissed off because he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him nothing, and then stupidly told him that I couldn't tell him. But I felt horrible because I trust him completely, and didn't want him to think that I didn't, you know. He had made breakfast, and at one point got really angry when I was laughing, which was beyond unlike him, and it made me feel even worse. Which made me cry again. And then we're hanging out on his bed, and he's on the phone with his father, and he's laying on my leg, and I'm crying even more. When he gets off the phone, he starts rubbing my shoulder with his hand, and my foot with his toes, and asks me what's wrong again. And he just looked so unhappy...
So I told him. I felt like I shouldn't have, but I did. I told him that I think that I'm bi, and that I like him. However, I also told him that I don't want to be bi (I apologize if that offends anybody; I don't have a problem at all with other people being gay or bi, but it's not how I'd like to live my life. Which is why liking another guy makes me feel even worse). I told him how at least a couple of our friends wouldn't want to talk to me anymore if they knew, how I wouldn't be able to do the usual stupid nonsense that my friends and I do all the time, how I wouldn't be able to play football with them anymore (it's my favorite sport; fullback ftw), etc. And...he continued to do what he had already been doing. He told me it was ok, he told me it didn't seem like I wanted to be in a relationship with a man anyway, he told me he doesn't think of me any differently, he told me he loved me (he says that a lot; he said that the day before and I said he was lying, but apparently he wasn't), he gave me a hug and held me while I cried. Which sounds great, right?
Wrong. Nothing he said made me like him less. In fact, his ability to be so understanding just made me like him more. As the day went on, though, I started to heavily regret telling him, and became distant. I wouldn't look him in the eye, I wouldn't really talk to him, I kept evading his questions, I kept isolating myself from him, etc. A bunch of our friends and us went to go see a fireworks show, and I ended up cutting away from the group because I felt ashamed to be around him. When we finally got back, everybody started drinking. And when him and I got back to the apartment, I went into another room and cleared off a futon to sleep on. He saw me and asked what was I doing. And I told him clearing a place to sleep. He told me I wasn't sleeping there, I said yes I was. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and come back to find the stuff back on the futon and the light off, with him standing there, looking at me. Well I'm a lot stronger than he is (I'm a fairly big dude), so putting the stuff back was easy, and he made a joke about how he thought it would deter me more. So before he goes to sleep, I tell him that I don't think I'm going to come to his apartment anymore, and how I'm not going to visit him in his state (we had made plans for me to visit him in his home state for like a week). He said ok, we go to sleep in different rooms. Next morning, he's off to work. He says bye, I say bye, but stare at a wall instead of looking at him. He says we need to talk later, and leaves. I delete him from my Facebook, get my stuff together, and leave his place to go back home.
Later on, he texts me and asks me why I'm being so weird with him, and why I deleted him from Facebook. I told him because it's weird. He asks why, I say you know why, he says "but I told you it's not strange to me, you know that." And I end up going off ona big rant about how it is weird, and I regret telling him so much, and that I like him a lot which isn't fair because nothing can come of it, and how I don't like people often (I find myself genuinely liking someone only once a year, so this is a big deal to me), and I don't know how to be around him and not like him. And I'm telling him that I still think he's one of my closest friends, and that that's why this is so hard and confusing, because I keep being torn between wanting more from him and being happy with our friendship. But that in order to stop liking him, I'd have to cut him out of my life. And he kept saying that it's not weird, nothing I've said is weird, please not to cut him out of his life, and that I'm one of his best friends and that it'd hurt a lot of I stopped talking to him. I gave him back a shirt he gave me as a birthday present a while back, told him I was deleting his number from my phone, and that we shouldn't be friends anymore. And he said that he couldn't believe this is how or why I'd end our friendship. He seemed really angry, but he kept saying that he would talk to me tomorrow, that we would continue talking, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to think about him, and to erase him from my life, a particularly difficult endeavor given that we are in the same circle of friends.
I know that I shouldn't have told him how I felt, but I was torn between him not trusting me and telling him but losing him. And now that he knows, he doesn't care. But I do. I can't be around him and not like him, and he can't change who he is so that I wouldn't like him. I want him to be my friend, but it'll hurt to be around him. I don't think I could ever not second guess myself as to what is and isn't ok to do and say now around him, or whether something that I'd do before (like rubbing his head) will be seen as something friendly or something more, and whether or not I'll be crossing some sort of boundary now. On top of that, I had been fine with being just regularly confused about my sexuality, but then he shows up to confuse me even more. I mean, how do I know if I am actually bi? Does seeing men perform sexual acts and being turned on make me bi, even if I wouldn't want to be performing those acts anyway? Does liking an amazing guy make me bi, or am I just seeking a relationship with who he is and what we have, and not him specifically? I love him, I really do. I love him as a friend, but at the same time, I like him more than one should like a friend. And I can't cope with that and be around him. But to avoid and shun him is to lose him as a friend, and that'd hurt both of us. I'm not sure if I care too much about this, seeing as how he doesn't seem to care at all, but what can I do? I don't want things between him and I to change, but can they even be the same anymore? Can I lay on his bed next to him, while he's in nothing but underwear, and have it be ok? Will be object, or be worried as to what I'd do? And how could I not feel like a creep doing that? But if I don't, then things HAVE changed, and that'd make me feel worse. And am I even bi, or did I just get really lonely and say something that wasn't even true?
I'm sorry for the rant, and I'm sorry if I didn't post this in the correct place, but this is making me really depressed, and the thought of having to lose him over this is extremely painful, but I don't see any other alternative. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...
Anyway, I've never been in a relationship, so I've never felt like I could reasonably state whether or not I'm gay, bi, or straight. And any time, I've liked a friend, I've assumed it's just an emotional thing, since truth be told, I don't like the idea of me having sex with another guy. That might be because I was molested/raped/forced into sex for 5 years by my older brothers back in the day, so I probably never recovered from that. So I might feel a physical and emotional attraction to men, but never a sexual one. I figure that perhaps it has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but rather, me liking both genders is just me being a very lonely person and wanting to be in a relationship, regardless of who it's with. These are the thoughts that usually run through my head, and I deal with them accordingly. Until now.
Recently, I've been hanging out with a friend who I'll call Alex. I didn't know Alex well before this past semester in college, but him and I have become really good friends. He's straight, but his personality makes him act really cute/affectionate (when I say cute, I mean it as a personality thing, not a physical one. So maybe cutesy is a better word? Idk). Like, he'll be on his bed and I'll be on the floor, and we'll be talking, and he'll start making little patterns on my kneecap with his toe. Or I was washing his dishes once one morning (I had a hangover and couldn't go back to sleep), and when he saw me washing them, he came up behind me and hugged me from there, and gave me this very kind of sleepy, kind of happy "hi." He doesn't care at all if people sleep on the same bed as him, so I've slept next to him a bunch of times, and he always smiles and says good morning when he wakes up and sees me, regardless of where I am in the room. And yes, I've slept in the same bed as him even when nobody else was around, and there were many other places to sleep at. I enjoy the times that I spend with him, and he enjoys them too. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that he's one of my best friends.
Which is why being around him is torture. I like him a lot; his personality is a lot of what I'd want from a person in a relationship. But I know I can't have it. And I'm not even quite sure if I'd want it. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like there would be nothing better than to just wrap him up in my arms and hold him and caress him. Which isn't a very straight thought. I was hanging out with him on Sunday and Monday, just him and I for the most part, and it was fun. Except on Monday, I completely broke down. I woke up, looked at him and his sleepy face, thinking about how happy it all made me, and I started crying. And then laughing. And then crying. And when he was awake, he became more and more pissed off because he kept asking me what was wrong, and I told him nothing, and then stupidly told him that I couldn't tell him. But I felt horrible because I trust him completely, and didn't want him to think that I didn't, you know. He had made breakfast, and at one point got really angry when I was laughing, which was beyond unlike him, and it made me feel even worse. Which made me cry again. And then we're hanging out on his bed, and he's on the phone with his father, and he's laying on my leg, and I'm crying even more. When he gets off the phone, he starts rubbing my shoulder with his hand, and my foot with his toes, and asks me what's wrong again. And he just looked so unhappy...
So I told him. I felt like I shouldn't have, but I did. I told him that I think that I'm bi, and that I like him. However, I also told him that I don't want to be bi (I apologize if that offends anybody; I don't have a problem at all with other people being gay or bi, but it's not how I'd like to live my life. Which is why liking another guy makes me feel even worse). I told him how at least a couple of our friends wouldn't want to talk to me anymore if they knew, how I wouldn't be able to do the usual stupid nonsense that my friends and I do all the time, how I wouldn't be able to play football with them anymore (it's my favorite sport; fullback ftw), etc. And...he continued to do what he had already been doing. He told me it was ok, he told me it didn't seem like I wanted to be in a relationship with a man anyway, he told me he doesn't think of me any differently, he told me he loved me (he says that a lot; he said that the day before and I said he was lying, but apparently he wasn't), he gave me a hug and held me while I cried. Which sounds great, right?
Wrong. Nothing he said made me like him less. In fact, his ability to be so understanding just made me like him more. As the day went on, though, I started to heavily regret telling him, and became distant. I wouldn't look him in the eye, I wouldn't really talk to him, I kept evading his questions, I kept isolating myself from him, etc. A bunch of our friends and us went to go see a fireworks show, and I ended up cutting away from the group because I felt ashamed to be around him. When we finally got back, everybody started drinking. And when him and I got back to the apartment, I went into another room and cleared off a futon to sleep on. He saw me and asked what was I doing. And I told him clearing a place to sleep. He told me I wasn't sleeping there, I said yes I was. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and come back to find the stuff back on the futon and the light off, with him standing there, looking at me. Well I'm a lot stronger than he is (I'm a fairly big dude), so putting the stuff back was easy, and he made a joke about how he thought it would deter me more. So before he goes to sleep, I tell him that I don't think I'm going to come to his apartment anymore, and how I'm not going to visit him in his state (we had made plans for me to visit him in his home state for like a week). He said ok, we go to sleep in different rooms. Next morning, he's off to work. He says bye, I say bye, but stare at a wall instead of looking at him. He says we need to talk later, and leaves. I delete him from my Facebook, get my stuff together, and leave his place to go back home.
Later on, he texts me and asks me why I'm being so weird with him, and why I deleted him from Facebook. I told him because it's weird. He asks why, I say you know why, he says "but I told you it's not strange to me, you know that." And I end up going off ona big rant about how it is weird, and I regret telling him so much, and that I like him a lot which isn't fair because nothing can come of it, and how I don't like people often (I find myself genuinely liking someone only once a year, so this is a big deal to me), and I don't know how to be around him and not like him. And I'm telling him that I still think he's one of my closest friends, and that that's why this is so hard and confusing, because I keep being torn between wanting more from him and being happy with our friendship. But that in order to stop liking him, I'd have to cut him out of my life. And he kept saying that it's not weird, nothing I've said is weird, please not to cut him out of his life, and that I'm one of his best friends and that it'd hurt a lot of I stopped talking to him. I gave him back a shirt he gave me as a birthday present a while back, told him I was deleting his number from my phone, and that we shouldn't be friends anymore. And he said that he couldn't believe this is how or why I'd end our friendship. He seemed really angry, but he kept saying that he would talk to me tomorrow, that we would continue talking, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to think about him, and to erase him from my life, a particularly difficult endeavor given that we are in the same circle of friends.
I know that I shouldn't have told him how I felt, but I was torn between him not trusting me and telling him but losing him. And now that he knows, he doesn't care. But I do. I can't be around him and not like him, and he can't change who he is so that I wouldn't like him. I want him to be my friend, but it'll hurt to be around him. I don't think I could ever not second guess myself as to what is and isn't ok to do and say now around him, or whether something that I'd do before (like rubbing his head) will be seen as something friendly or something more, and whether or not I'll be crossing some sort of boundary now. On top of that, I had been fine with being just regularly confused about my sexuality, but then he shows up to confuse me even more. I mean, how do I know if I am actually bi? Does seeing men perform sexual acts and being turned on make me bi, even if I wouldn't want to be performing those acts anyway? Does liking an amazing guy make me bi, or am I just seeking a relationship with who he is and what we have, and not him specifically? I love him, I really do. I love him as a friend, but at the same time, I like him more than one should like a friend. And I can't cope with that and be around him. But to avoid and shun him is to lose him as a friend, and that'd hurt both of us. I'm not sure if I care too much about this, seeing as how he doesn't seem to care at all, but what can I do? I don't want things between him and I to change, but can they even be the same anymore? Can I lay on his bed next to him, while he's in nothing but underwear, and have it be ok? Will be object, or be worried as to what I'd do? And how could I not feel like a creep doing that? But if I don't, then things HAVE changed, and that'd make me feel worse. And am I even bi, or did I just get really lonely and say something that wasn't even true?
I'm sorry for the rant, and I'm sorry if I didn't post this in the correct place, but this is making me really depressed, and the thought of having to lose him over this is extremely painful, but I don't see any other alternative. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...